Heartbroken and needing help!

[Truegritter]

I loved him and still do.

Respectfully standing.

What a great gift it is to yourself, and to your H that you can see beyond his choices today...

Indeed to give him more respect then he has for himself right now Irish.

Keep faith.

[imLIN]

S_H since you have brought it up a few times and may have planted a seed of curiousity in some I am going to address the internet dating issue...pardon the highjack, please

First, yes you can meet a variety of people easily and in a short period of time...the problem is often they tell you ONLY what they want you to know...they may leave out things like they are married, they are abusive, they are a lier, they are broke and looking for someone to support them (emotionally and physically)...don't get me wrong, there are good people out there but anytime you start a relationship behind the screen of your computer you are taking a huge risk!

I know several people who have gone this route...some married, some got swindled, some got really hurt...of the ones who got married all wished they had not...because the basis of the relationship they had was only "rosey"...the person didn't disclose all the faults...not that we don't all have them but some are not ones we would choose to live with...

Don't even get me started on the game-players...just out for free sex or whatever they can get with out concern for the feelings, real feelings, of another person...then the married people who may or maynot admit they are married upfront...

I can tell you with a certainty that my H would probably have handled his MLC much differently if not for the "easier then you can imagine" " for those of us getting up in years" availability of the internet!

Not saying it never works out...but personally if one sits and considers the pros and cons, unless you are out for a free whatever yourself...you will see the cons out weigh pros...nothing can replace the solid foundation of real face-to-face interaction from the beginning and not some I-can-be-anyone-I-want-to-be behind this screen.

Stepping down off of my soapbox and shaking my head

[imLIN]

IB...

Yes you do make sense...to respectfully, with quiet dignity, self-esteem, and common courtesy...stand for my marriage...and getting a LS does not go contrary to this.

You want to hear crazy-ass? My H actually thought he could become a stand-up comic...don't get me wrong he is extremely funny but how crazy to think that he could just take the stage and make it big!...He even bought books on how to become a stand-up comic...then he went through the maybe-I-will-be-a-musician stage...all the while dressing and acting 30 years younger then his age...dyed his mustache and whatever you want to call the fur patch on his chin (the color job was aweful and looked rediculous) even got the sporty silver BMW to complete the look...and with no real paying job I might add (I called BMW and told them not to bother calling me when he defaulted cause I warned them...he defaulted 3 mon. later)...

The BMW and a few other things were reasons I got the LS and to protect my son from his crazy father because at times he was not fit to parent and my son was only 9 so he really was not mature enough to handle his fathers issues on his own...

But...in all of this, I loved him...not the "him" he was at the moment but the one that I knew was hurting somewhere...my heart ached for him for his hurt...I had felt like half of my body had been amputated without anethesia! So many of my friends thought I was crazy for even standing...thankfully those same friends came back years later and apologized, telling me they were glad I didn't listen to them...why? Because my H is back...in many ways he is different, in many ways he is the same...and in many ways I think he is better then he has ever been...I have no regrets...even if he had not returned I would have had no regrets because I needed to know I did all I could, tried all there was, and gave him all the time he needed to work it out inside...sometimes I thought I was done...but then something would hit me and tell me to step back...breath and let whatever was going to be...be...

IB...you are doing good...H is crazy...he may or maynot recover from this craziness but there is no way to look at his actions now and make that call...because believe me, I saw CRAZY and then some

So follow your plan...work on your structures...sometimes being vague in the wording can be to your benefit if you keep in mind how your H reads things...I got a lot past my H in our agreement because 1) He trusted me 2) He quickly read it as I stood there waiting for his signature 3) and I just felt that if I kept it worded in such a way that things didn't lood so black and white (when they actually were) I would get my agreement the way I wanted it...

I did not use to hurt H, I didn't do it get back at him...I did it purely to protect S and myself financially and emotionally as much as I could...a lot of things in the agreement I chose not to enforce because I didn't need to...if things had terminated between us permanently I may have used them if I needed to...but never to get back at him...I loved him...and I still do~!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have nothing against SH, just bear in mind where he is coming from:

Posted in Dec 2007:

I wanted to add that my situation is not really a failure of divorce busting techniques, because I never applied them very diligently. I did get a life, and I did detach, but I was never able to act as if all was well. Nor was I able to make each interaction with my wife a pleasant one. I'm just not that good at pretending, lying and hiding how I feel.

So fear not, maybe Divorce Busting will work for you.

Our advice comes from our experience.

I see SH's advice much like the well intentioned friends or family's, telling you to end it quickly becuase they don't want to see you hurt.

I'm just not that good at pretending, lying and hiding how I feel

A very telling comment.

Is it lying?

I guess your view might influence how successfully you DB...but that is MY experience.

[irishblessings]

Thanks to all for your guidance ~ I have felt stronger again today and that is a very good thing.

While on vacation, I'd like to be able to take time to reflect on the things that I would like to improve upon. I would like to be a better friend, mother, daughter, employee, etc. I'd like to honor my faith more frequently. I'd like to rest:)

I also realize though that I need to begin to look at myself and my contributions to the marital problems. My H gave me a 6 page "overview" of his feelings about me and the marriage and I would like some feedback from you all as to interpreting -

How do I love W? Love her as friend, companion, wife, and I love making love to her.

What keeps me from being 100% committed to W? She drives me crazy sometimes, she is very strong with her opinions, she really likes things to be the way she thinks they should be, it is very difficult to share my opinion and fight for it, she has given me lip service over the years in being supportive of my coaching endeavors and has discouraged me from being the type of coach and person that I would have liked to have been, she has been extremely jealous from the beginning, I felt kind of trapped into having sex with her in college then trapped myself into marrying her, she is afraid of losing me, she's opinionated about the way things should be with the kids, she is more lackadaisical about spending, I don't feel I am the best person I could be while being with her (don't honor my parents, work, kids enough)

Am I holding out for someone else instead of wife? I don't think so but I might be. I like the thought of living life a different way. I am afraid of what I would have to tell my new acquaintances about my past with wife - do I say "I went on a sexual binge because I was not happy with my wife and lifestyle situation." I would tell my new partners that I didn't want to lie and be dishonest now or anymore. I would like some female companionship from time to time but do not want to get married. Work and kids would be my new priorities in my life - unless I found someone I felt I could be 100% totally committed to and accepting of my desire for an outstanding relationship with my kids.

The marital commitment does not mean as much to me as it does to wife. Maybe because I'm not as religious - maybe because I'm less committed to her than I would be to someone else - maybe because she pushes buttons on me that make me think it would be best for both of us.

I think I should end marriage because I do not love wife the way a husband should love his wife - maybe we will both be happier starting over - I am not 100% in all the time - wife deserves better than me.

So friends - I would like help. I recognize (with the help of this board and H's words) that my fears were driving my controlling behaviors. Co-dependency to a tee. I recognize through his words he felt I had a sense of disrespect. That was a large focus in MC over the last couple of years.

If you were me - where would you start with these issues? Mind you - I believe working on myself, in terms of my weight, health, discipline, contentment, self esteem go without saying. I'm just trying to get a handle on how H has perceived me and incorporate some of those feelings into this work.

Hope that makes sense - sorry for the long read!

[warriorshadow]

irish,
His describing you in that 1st paragraph is almost my wife to a T.
I have loved my wife deeply with unconditional love all the years
I have been married. Could not complain at all. Did we have disagreements? Sure. I think that is healthy. Did we have anything
that would stew for days or weeks. Nope. Not for me at least. Yes she was controlling but until the MLC hit, I was happy. I told people I was happy. She told people she was happy. MLC just grabs all the bad and throws it out in front. I see my wife in all of the
paragraphs about himself. She could have wrote that all the way to the wife deserves better than me. That is the alien I have. And I think my wife is far from done with this. She has to face herself and that will be a while. I am sorry that I am giving it
to you this way, but gee, whatever happened to just loving someone for the wonderful partner they are.
It is great to work on those things you mentioned, but they better be for you. He sounds so selfish in those words, it just says MLC over and over to me again. People have such high expectations of others it is so unhealthy for all involved.
I am sorry if I am off on this but this is the way I feel for you right now.

[seeking answers]

Irish,

A lot of what your H wrote is standard script. MLCers spew about discontentment with their lives. That can include spouse, job, kids. It's a resentment about responsibility. It's about finding happiness before they die. It's about selfishness and entitlement to the max.

In the spew you, the LBS, may find some things that were said that sting. If they sting, you might want to look at them as things to work on for you.

Remember Irish this is your H's crisis. You did not break him and you cannot fix or control him.

This time you have been given is a gift. A gift to find out what it is that YOU want.

[irishblessings]

Thank you Seeking and Warrior. I think I needed to hear other perceptions ~ sometimes you can find yourself too close to the situation. Warrior - do not apologize for sharing honesty ~ hearing that you both see MLC helps me out quite a bit.

Here's my "theory" (actually writing this out to keep me straight)
7 years ago (age 40) ~ MLC began / left coaching / unhappy / began looking at porn / trigger sexual addiction
5 years ago (age 42) ~ still MLCing / moved from porn to phone sex chat lines/busted / counseling / not ready to quit
3 years ago (age 44) ~ still MLCing / kept up phone sex chat by purchasing second phone / busted again / more counseling / I start intensive counseling (IC and MC) / I make changes and think he is however he now moved to PAs / addiction escalates
5 months ago (age 47) ~ disclosure of PAs / possibly stuck head out of tunnel / commitment to recovery lasted 81 days / seemed happy with himself during that time (back to church, more balanced in work and home, spending quality time on relationship healing)
3 months ago ~ begins to get anxious / feeling stifled / ILYBIANILWY / "DONE"
6 weeks ago ~ moves out / nightmare begins

So in a nutshell - I think H went into MLC that triggered sexual addiction and now he appears to be in an acute phase. I can only pray that he recognizes at some point that he needs help ~ but it will not happen soon. I have not texted or called him now in 2 days and it really helps to stay away from the illness.

Thanks to all for your patience with me! Tomorrow - Orlando or bust:)

[seeking answers]

Irish,

I hope S and you have a wonderful vacation! Enjoy!

(((Hugs)))

[irishblessings]

Just came home from Friday night dinner out with S and his new girlfriend. Me in the backseat. I used to have a life! But of course, I am blessed that my S included me and we laughed.

Irish Blessings