You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Excellent advice from awest. In addition to that, kids will have their good days and bad just like us. There might be something bothering her so see if she will open up to you about it. However, don't take her disappointment as a failure in you. You know the truth is that our kids are lucky to have us as their parents because we try so hard and do so much for them.

What's more important is just being there for them in good times and especially bad so they may come to you and talk about their problems if they choose to.

You're a great dad- I wish I had half your energy levels.

[ClingingToHope]

We managed a pretty good day. We picked up the friend who was going to go with us to Great America and first went to the Angel Museum in Beloit, Wis. Oprah fans may have heard of it.

That killed an hour.

Then we got lunch at a Burger King playland. That killed an hour.

Then we played laser tag -- getting that off our list. That killed an hour.

Then we went swimming at my uncle's house for nearly three hours -- the weather cleared.

Down note or positive note -- depends on your perspective. Letter from the L. STBXW and her L want to go to court about the house. They don't appear to want to go back on what's already been decided.

The house is sinking her and I'm guessing she wants me to kick in on the mortgage. But I'll have to see. The hearing is Aug. 4. I haven't enjoyed the court experience, but I don't fear it as much anymore. I didn't file for divorce. She did. I'm willing to go back to counseling and work on things. She's not. I'm not ashamed to be there. This wasn't my choice.

Plus, everyone tells me I picked the best L in town and hers is a joke. So I guess it's time to see what my guy can do.

Another note. Our insurance guy called. I went to high school with his wife. He's a good guy. STBXW was in to see him last month to split our car insurance. He was calling to tell me my life insurance lapsed.

I told him that I get free life insurance through work and couldn't afford any more than that.

He said that's fine and asked what's going on. I filled him in on where we are at and he had an interesting thing to say. He said when STBXW came in to see him she didn't seem very happy about the process and the impression he got from her is that I was pushing this.

I told him that's definitely not the case.

In a way, I'm not surprised. Her mom is a martyr and STBXW I think wants that role -- the aggrieved spouse. Instead, I always came home, never cheated, never hit her, always made a play for her, was devoted to the home and kids.

I may have been a disappointment in other ways -- not letting her help me, condescending when she tried to offer advice and not fully accepting her family.

But those aren't issues to break up a solid family and plunge her children into near bankruptcy.

So she has to live with her daughters' struggles and financial ruin -- and she's not strong enough for others to know that. I'm betting she's telling people I abandoned her.

In the end, it doesn't matter though, does it?

[Gardener]

CTH,
So, you're being demonized.
She's re-writing history.
She's Editing memories.

All script.

People eventually - if not immediately - see through it

In the end, it doesn't matter though, does it?

No.

[ClingingToHope]

To end the night the girls all wanted to sleep together on the futon in the basement because their room was too hot. The central air just doesn't do much on the top floor.

So they are everything just so -- it's hard to get comfortable when you have three people and 30 stuffed animals on a futon -- and I was starting to get irritated because I was tired.

Then I thought to myself, in about 18 years, when I'm walking D7 down the aisle I'm going to remember nights like these wistfully. So I didn't say a word and just let them discuss/argue about which stuffed animal should go where.

Life marches on. D7 will be D8 soon. Year seven was when D7 really, really turned a corner with the ADHD. She's going to be fine.

I think I'm going to battle "end of summer" blues much of these three days. I'm already looking forward to next summer when I take all four of my weeks of vacation in the summer with the girls.

[faithisbelieving]

I didn't do that. The kids came first and STBXW came second. I see why that's wrong and I wonder if it goes back to my own parents' divorce.

Still too much self-blame and victimization. Many marriages go through what you did and survive. Other marriages have WORSE going on at times but survive. Stop blaming yourself. At worst, like all of us here, you were given a set of tools to work with that were not the best. You now have a gift certificate for Craftsmen tools.

But what happens when you do find someone else? Now is that person your No. 1 priority or are the kids -- who never wanted mom and dad to split up in the first place -- the No. 1 priority?

This is another problem that contributes to the demise of marriages. Your SPOUSE should always be number one, perhaps by only a thin margin but still first. Kids are like library books: they are on temporary loan. Some spouses fail to realize that and when the kids finally leave, they are left with a stranger.

I can see why the statistics say more than 70 percent of second marriages end in divorce. You have people who aren't good at marriage in the first place trying again usually with the complicating factor of existing kids.

The goal here is that YOU are in the 30-40% here CTH and your STBXW is in the 60-70% group. I think that the people who do the work stand a much better chance at later success than the WAS's, but, then, hey....JMO.

As for finances, as one friend told me, they can't throw you in jail for owing money. So, take a deep breath and keep moving forward. Develop a game plan. FIB

[whatisis]

Good advice, Faith!
I'd just add, don't bother worrying about what will happen in the next marriage, just get through what's happening now. That's enough for one day!

[ClingingToHope]

Got the letter from STBXW's lawyer. First part p*ssed me off.

It had to do with the day I didn't call before going to STBXW's to pick up swimsuits and STBXW had a guy over helping her get the house ready for sale.

The girls saw him. I didn't know what to do. I stopped, backed the car up and took off. The girls were upset and grilling me who he was. I said he was probably a friend helping her get the house ready to sell and she likely met him through her best friend.

I then sent her a text telling her she'd have to explain since they saw him.

At no point did I say he was a boyfriend or act out in anger.

Well, in the letter, STBXW is saying I acted inappropriately that weekend and they want to know if I took the co-parenting class.

I laid out my version of events and that yes, I took the co-parenting class.

The rest of it:

STBXW has paid $2,500 of the $5,300 IRS bill. How? I'm assuming she got the money from her mom -- or even her older sister, who does not like me.

They say they are in agreement on the settlement amount -- does that mean I'm getting $11k in cash? It's not enough to bail me out totally. It's enough to keep me out of bankruptcy.

The house has been on the market a month with no interest whatsoever. It's overpriced by $14k because it's underwater. She wants me to put her on the second loan so that she can deal with the SBA -- it was a disaster loan. I responded I'll sign anything on that. Again, the only way she can pay that off is to get money from her mom or sister. She already redid her 401(k) loan to pull out an additional $6k.

The email from my attorney said once these are done there's not much left to decide so we should push hard to finish this.

That last paragraph put me in my usual funk -- getting this finished is the only way I can move on and for STBXW to stop blaming me for her unhappiness.

But it will also mean I'm no longer married and I haven't broken the co-dependency cycle. Every day, every single day, I remember at least two or three happy things from our life together. I still believe this can be fixed. Perhaps it's harder this week because I have the girls and this reminds me so much of summers past.

I'm still a mess.

[Gardener]

CTH,

...getting this finished is the only way I can move on and for STBXW to stop blaming me for her unhappiness.

True.

But it will also mean I'm no longer married...

True.

...and I haven't broken the co-dependency cycle.

Not necessarily true.

Every day, every single day, I remember at least two or three happy things from our life together.

Good. You're human. You're normal.

I still believe this can be fixed.

Believe in your heart of hearts or hope in your heart of hearts? Are you "facing the brutal reality of your situation"?

Perhaps it's harder this week because I have the girls and this reminds me so much of summers past.

Yeah...(sigh)...

Hang on, CTH. Hang in there. Be good to yourself this weekend. Distract yourself and your racing mind.
Peace.

[ClingingToHope]

Finally got the girls up and moving and we picked up a couple of friends and went to the water park. It was on our list of things we wanted to get in this summer. That was a good time. Threatening weather ended it early and their friends wanted to stay the night.

The parents said OK and by the time we got home and situated the weather had cleared. So we headed to the uncle's house for swimming. Swimming at night is a tremendous amount of fun.

I did it all the time as a kid. This was deja vu. As I was swimming I looked at the girls and how much fun they were having and it seemed like a movie. You know the type, where the aging parent has a flash back to their kid's childhood. I just wanted to freeze the moment. Savor it.

I have no doubt that the D is doing permanent damage. No kid comes through these things unscathed. But I also believe there are going to be lots of great memories as well.

I think of my own childhood. One of the great things about having kids is you get to relive childhood a bit. I remember swimming at night. I remember water parks. I remember sleepovers.

I really had a great childhood -- and my parents got divorced.

My head was swimming a lot as well. I recognize the pattern now. Every time there is a new development in the D it sends me into a downward spiral for about a day. Then I wake up and face my reality -- and the ever growing certainty that my hope that the D won't happen is vanishing.

I was really sentimental tonight. You know what I really, really miss -- other than the sex -- is looking forward to seeing STBXW.

Do you know what I mean? Remember when you were first married and you couldn't wait to get off work to see her or him?

That feeling is still somewhat fresh for me. It was March 2009 that we had a great talk and a window opened and I thought we had things turned around. For two weeks, it felt like it did when we were first married. I couldn't wait to get home to see her. Then the window closed for a couple of weird reasons and the D train started to chug again.

Now? I dread seeing her. I dread hearing her voice. I wonder if I'll ever actually look forward to seeing her again. Another poster likened it to Alzheimers. The person you loved is inside that body, but the person you married doesn't exist anymore. He or she is lost to you forever, but they look the same ... and it hurts.

[ClingingToHope]

Three of the four of them are up. D7 and D11 really, really need baths. Their hair is really dry and stringy. We have a cookout today at 2 p.m. if it doesn't rain.

I'm not sure how much the girls will like it. It's at a coworkers house and he says other kids are coming. Still, when I was growing up these weren't my favorite times.

I have another cookout tomorrow that will be better because there will be two kids there that the girls are good friends with. That cookout is with the church singles group and I'm wondering if 31 and 35 will show. They don't have kids so I'm not sure.

D11 is being extremely whiny. In fact, a simple discussion about her youth theater stuff for the school year sent her in a tizzy and she's crying in the basement.

Now the fourth one is up and she headed downstairs to talk to D11.

I should go now. Here's what I wanted to get off my chest. Detachment. I'm still not there. I learned a couple of months ago I can access STBXW's FB page when D11 doesn't log off. D11 never logs off her FB page so I'd check it occasionally.

The last time I did was four or five weeks ago and I vowed I'd never check it again. I looked on STBXW's events page and noticed that this weekend she's going to some drunken biker camping fest at the county fairgrounds.

On her free weekends it appears as if she just hangs out with her best friend who lives in a tiny town with two bars filled with biker guys. The guy spotted at my house two weeks ago was a Harley rider.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that -- and I thought STBXW wanted better for herself. But her best friend is very social and will keep STBXW from just sitting home and reading books AND she knows I won't know anyone there and nothing she does will get back to me.

So I realize how she ended up in this group and ... it still hurts.

Here's my evil/lack of detachment thought of the day. It poured all last night and is supposed to rain much of the day. I don't know if the event will be canceled -- I do think it'll take a lot of the fun out of it.

I know. That's bad. At some point I have to not care or think about stuff like that or actually wish her well.

Someone posted that's the true sign of detachment -- when you actually wish them well.

It's hard. In two weeks she has her trip to Sturgis for the big biker get-together. She knows I know about it. She was defensive when it came up -- it hasn't come back up again.

I checked out a book at the library, "The Me I Want To Be," written by John Ortberg, who is from my town.

It's a call to arms to become the best person you can. D11 rolls her eyes at all of the self help books.

This one is good. I don't want this life to be about me. I want it to be about the joy I can bring to the lives of others.

And that should include STBXW. I don't want to be at the girls' graduation or wedding and not be able to stand the site of her or hear the girls say how hard I made their lives because I couldn't get along with STBXW.