It's been awhile since I have posted on my sitch...I have 2 hours before my first DB coach session, so figured I would journal and reach out a little bit.
I haven't had a drop of alcohol in 1 Week, marked on the calendar for motivation. Lots of emotions! Lot's of clear thinking and purging of pain.
I was raised by my Mother, because my dad left her before I was born. On top of that she was a "dont stop til you pass out alcoholic". What a memory. Also sad to say, I grew up without any positive "relationship" examples, but I'm still able to change.
My emotions have been so hard to control some days, but it's getting easier. Yesterday I had a full "pursuit" breakdown...but I didn't care. I went into emailing and texting as positive as i could to ask for her to reconsider basically. All positive comments from me - No alcohol involved. Went into with the attitude of being the last time.
Today I wrote her saying I know it was desperate of me to write you all day, but I had to take a chance. Told her: "I realize you don’t want to be with me anymore and to tell you the truth I don’t want to be with anyone that doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t agree with how you are handling the situation or possibly things being done before your divorced, but hey I’m in no place to judge you" And I left it that.
I've come to terms, based on the infidelity section, that she has undoubtedly found someone else. Whether right or wrong...I can't judge her.
Hurts, but like you all said it's up to me to change myself into a better person and focus on myself. So I guess with that email, I kind of found closure...now it's time to start getting some of my testosterone back and become happy.
So many posts have showed me so many of my flaws, that it has given me a lot of hope and goals. I need to take on more responsibility and avoid codependency. I need confidence...and hopefully today i can finally put this past me and move forward.
