This has been interesting to read - thank you all for the input. I value the opportunity to think.
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I wouldn't suggest that Donna try to control her ex-in-laws. Expressing to her ex-in-laws that they needn't reject their son for her sake and that she finds it sad that they haven't reconciled is hardly controlling.
Better yet, I'd suggest that as soon as one of her ex-in-laws begins discussing ANYTHING about their family that Donna simply say: "I care about you, but I cannot be part of your family drama. Please change the topic immediately or I'll need to stop this conversation." Continuing to expose herself to the family drama is nothing but harmful. However, Donna does not seem to be in a place for whatever reason to take this step of setting a clear boundary and letting go of that part of her life.
OT, I have said the near-exact lines in your first paragraph to them, and reiterated it to them in an email. I have also asked MIL to stop speaking of me to her other children, as it seems to be a sore spot for the sibs (we live next door to each other and do many things together, which has brought out some weird jealousy in at least the women, and maybe the younger brother with the 1-year-old son), and I don't want to be a reason or cause for ANY discord in their relationship with any of their adult children. It was a request, but of course I have no idea what they do talk about, or even if they do talk at all at this point. I am trying to distance myself away from all the drama.
As for the second paragraph, whenever the subject has come up (either of them complaining of how others in my former family are acting, what they are saying, etc., I have said "I am sorry to hear that" and changed the subject or ended the convo completely and physically removed myself. If MIL or FIL forget my current place in the order-of-things and share positive reports about the family with me, I take the stance of a neighbor/friend towards the news, listen, say "that's nice" or some such and go onto another topic.
I think the other issue that may be missed is that my former husband's parents are not rejecting him, but want nothing to do with his girlfriend. They have attended things when ex went alone or with our children. MIL has bought and given him presents for Christmas and his birthday. His father has spoken to him by phone and in person when he has run into him in my driveway. His parents have refused, however, to visit his home because it is also her home.
In any case, this has NOTHING to do with me, at this point. I was merely pointing out a sad thing that I was witnessing. There are no winners here.
The ongoing fracture in the family is sad and a by-product of divorce. Divorce is a terrible, terrible thing, and something that I wanted to avoid, foremost for my children's sake. This is a consequence, something that I had no control over and didn't want.
Now, as far as my feelings toward the girlfriend......I don't bash her to my kids; I don't discuss her with anyone IRL at this point, really. At some point early on, I did tell my children that she had said and done some terrible things that broke our friendship but that it was between adults - It was one discussion, and I left it at that (my son did come to find out soon after that talk about the affair when his father tried to lie to him and say that his relationship with the woman was new and had nothing to do with the breakup of our marriage).
My D11 instinctively avoids talking about the gf or mentioning her by name. She tells me all other stories about her time when she visits the other house, which is mostly filled with playing with her best friend (they are only a month apart and grew up together). My S15 has told me that, while he realizes his parents will not be back together, he wishes that his father would break up with the girlfriend, sell the house and move back into an apartment. I think that stems from a combination of the extended family stress, coupled with my son now competing with an additional 4 children for his father's attention. They both know that they are kids and have no control in their grown-ups' matters, and have come to decide that their opinions are not welcomed by their father.
Would it be optimal for my kids if all of the adults in their lives could have remained friends (or gotten past the mess) and get along, even do things together? Yep. The following is where I think OT "pushes my buttons" - in other words, attempts with good-will to see me continue to grow in grace and become a better person, for myself and my kids, who accepts and embraces the changes. It is a lofty, worthwhile goal, but I am either not ready or not capable of getting there, at least not yet.
I am not a saint. I am not that evolved. I was betrayed by my husband. He has admitted to going beyond the lies and betrayal, trying to hurt me purposefully. He has never changed his stance that he did all of this because I didn't take care of him, etc, taking on no blame. In his head, he "only lied about this one thing," and there was no other way things could have happened. Through therapy, I have worked hard to discover my own flaws and co-dependence, but it was also pointed out to me that I had been in a dysfunctional relationship with a narcissist. I was betrayed by my friend. She told me she wished there was something she could do to help me save my marriage while I cried on her shoulder, while she had already been having a physical affair with him for at least 6 months. When I discovered the truth, she laughed in my face and told me I was "so blind." She is a manipulative martyr, and I have no doubt that she would not be bound by morals towards anyone if she thought she might loose what she fought so hard to win over. (I had trusted her enough to occasionally babysit my kids before the whole mess, that is true - but I was also of the opinion that she didn't have very good parenting skills, and of course before I knew that she was as messed up as she is. She watched them in case of an emergency, she did not contribute to raising them, and I thank God every day that her influence is still very small).
God, I know that writing that out sounds like I am not over this, holding onto the past, bitter, vindictive, etc. It is actually more that my eyes are open to what is - no more denial.
But I recognize that THESE TWO PEOPLE CAN NOT HURT ME, ANYMORE. I lived through it, it has become part of my past (just as many events, good and bad, have helped shape me). Do I judge their actions? Yes - they were wrong. I think they continue to be wrong. Because I loved him for so long, it has been easier to forgive my exhusband (just a fact) than it has been for me to forgive her. I have gone from outright hate to relative indifference, most of the time, towards her. Mama-bear still gets riled up at the thought/potential of either of these people hurting my kids. Maybe I've read too many other sitches here...maybe I am jaded. But I don't think either of these individuals are "good people" or even remarkably "safe people." They have shown their propensity to lie, cheat and act selfishly without regard for others (and they still do). I don't trust them. I don't think they set a good example for my kids. Their morals and values are obviously not in line with my own, or what I hope my kids to grow up believing in.
You can't pick your parents, but you can learn from them, both what to emulate and what NOT to do. I can't keep these people out of my children's lives - all I can do is be here, ready to pick up the pieces when and if needed, be the example I hope they will look toward, and make sure they have resources and support outside of the immediate situation (the relationship that I opened between them and their own IC).
