Quote: The one thing that leapt out at me, but which may be totally off base as I haven't read your thread, is that you *need* your H's respect to feel good about yourself.
You are trying to figure out how to change him, control him, to get it. You are afraid of requiring it because you are afraid of losing him, so you are afraid to set some boundaries. Bingo!!--this is a FEAR, a ME that H might not like and might be the straw that breaks the camels back...
What would happen if you merely reported when you did not feel respected: H, that doesn't work for me, I don't feel appreciated or respected. I would like to feel repected by you.
Set a boundary: how long will you wait for him to show you respect? Then, when he doesn't, it is your choice to experience that, not something he is imposing on you.... hmmmmm... do you see? don't quite understand this right now, but I usually need some time to "get it" so will ponder for awhile
Also, try to detach simply from his disrespectfulness. I have no idea what your style is — but assume a woman stuck in the 80s stylewise, big hair, shoulder pads, etc..., or a 15 year old trying to recreate the height of the punk rock scene, criticized a great new haircut you'd just gotten. Wouldn't you just laugh? How silly, how out of touch.... It wouldn't affect you or your ability to be friends... Your H is just as out of touch with your worth. Your worth is not contingent on him getting in touch with it.
Of course, you want an M with respect in it. Step back, report your feelings, ask for what you want, and see what happens. Do not be afraid to set a boundary, or you will never get a new R that is what YOU want.
I like this a lot! This just might work...thank you Acorn.
I'll just skip over the son/clothes situation as it works for us..son is soon to be four and doesn't know his dad isn't living there...until H is sure OW is what H wants, son has had not contact with OW and won't until H decides what H is doing...H respects this also.
Quote: And, as for the "probably be back tomorrow"? Ahhhh, I just see your happiness all wrapped up in his choice there... Something you have no control over... you're mind going a mile a minute.... what can I do to make him come back tomorrow.... Detach-- you don't know if he will, have no expectations, do not try to influence the tides, do what makes sense for YOU either way...
I really don't care if H comes over tonight, I'd rather H didn't. I was more SURPRISED that H was coming back after having spent all day with us yesterday...I am detached, trust me. You need to read my "WAH Came back in the middlet of the night thread which is a weeks worth of headspinning fun.... just kidding
just kidding
