Grit, I did see it last night, she looked surprised or puzzled and my demeanor was that of being agreeable and friendly. If I had been short or curt with her that would have changed her perception for sure.
The most important thing is that it "felt right" to me. I had totally taken what I wanted out of what I was communicating to her both verbally and in my body language.
Letting it sink in........This is the part where I have to let this be who I am so that I do not have to call 10 other people to ask what I should do or say next time. I want it to come naturally. More time.
The big, big picture is that I realize that I am doing this without expectation. I am going to be this way no matter what happens, D or not.
It is a discovery when you actually experience it and there is no way you can read about it or have someone tell you about it and understand it.
With everyone's help I was able to chart a course as to what I was going to do or say. It was not until I was standing in front of her and I did it that I felt it and even later on in the evening that I understood what I was feeling.
That probably didn't make alot of sense but it does to me, FWIW.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I am figuring out that I don’t need to answer the question of whether or not my M is going to make it in order to pursue what “I want” out of life. I need to give myself permission to pursue my dreams and move forward. If at some point in the future my W wants to hop back on that train, it does not matter if that train has moved down the tracks little bit, the fact that it is moving again is what matters.
I know Grit has his views on "you get it"...This ^^^^ is IMO you getting it. This is your life Missher...yours to live, to enjoy, to grow. You really are in the driver seat! She may join you - she may not. Who knows..what is important and that you have highlighted...is that you are moving.
Like I said earlier...be her friend. Just a friend...let her get to know you on her pace on her schedule. You worry about you and the kids. She may want to become part of your life and it just may be right around the corner. You really never know.
Many have said/written about how long this process takes. You continue to do the "right" thing in my book, which means that whatever comes the way of the Missher Man will be good.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I did see it last night, she looked surprised or puzzled and my demeanor was that of being agreeable and friendly. If I had been short or curt with her that would have changed her perception for sure.
Yep! H and I had a short convo the other day where I said "you know, I really think we can come out of this thing as friends" (long story, I haven't updated in a while) and he says "you know, it's because of how YOU'VE handled things, how YOU'VE behaved, thank you."
Unconditional love is an amazing thing, so is loving detachment. You're doin' it man! Good for you, do the right thing, live your life, hope without expectation ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Got a progress report from my W yesterday, kinda…….
When I got home from work yesterday, S10 informed me he was going to spend the night with mom on Sunday night not Saturday night b/c she has plans, but he will stay with her on Friday night too. I got a little perturbed b/c in my mind this was a change in schedule and I had made plans so I called my W so we could talk over the phone before I dropped the kids off with her.
Well we disagreed about whose weekend was whose and we discussed it in a very civil manner and I could feel myself wanting to press my point and ask more questions about us and where we were and have a big ole nasty R talk. Well, I did not I just said no problem on the schedule thing we will get back on track next weekend.
I could hear the change of tone in her voice after I let go of what I wanted. Her voice soften and became very caring….soooo nice to hear that voice (this is what I really want).
So off to drop the kids with her. As I pull up in parking lot she gets out of her car, kids get out and get into her car and I get the tennis rackets and balls to give to her. We are standing there and I think she is just going to turn and leave, instead she says……
W: Thanks for not getting upset M: About what W: The schedule thing M: Oh, I don’t do that anymore. Its not me. W: I have noticed. It is nice M; Why? W: Before you would have flipped your lid and yelled. M: I have been working on me, and I like me now, I have changed W: The proof is in the pudding. M: So, does that mean if you like the pudding, you are going to take a bite? ([censored] eating grin on my face ) W: That is funny……that is really funny.
We stood there a little longer and we were looking right into each other’s eyes, I soooo bad wanted to lean in and give her a hug and a kiss, I did not. The moment is there, it is real, she has to be the one to initiate though. Said our goodbyes and I was off to Little Friday.
The hardest part of seeing her on a semi-regular basis is that I see more and more of my old W which makes it harder to maintain that detachment. When I talk to her and look at her eyes, they communicate, “I want you” but her words and actions do not match.
I think her “proof is in the pudding” comment is her way of saying that she has noticed the change but is not convinced it is permanent. The key ingredient of the pudding is me taking my wants and desires out of my communication with her. It is wanting her happiness over what I “think” I want at a particular given moment.
What I am finding out or letting “soak in” is that I do not have to give up my happiness to do this. Ultimately I end up feeding my happiness in that I got to hear “MY WIFE” on the phone, not the alien, also my W noticed a positive change in me. Those things make me far happier than enforcing my schedule on her.
The other thing that gets me is that she compliments me on a fairly regular basis as I do to her also. If I did not know better I would say she is DBing me. LOL.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
The hardest part of seeing her on a semi-regular basis is that I see more and more of my old W which makes it harder to maintain that detachment. When I talk to her and look at her eyes, they communicate, “I want you” but her words and actions do not match.
Caution: STOP putting words into your wife's eye.
Oh the old...I SEE what I want more and more when I Dettach...but that makes it hard to stay dettached...problem.
Look...lets say you are baking an apple pie from scratch.
And about 30 minutes into baking it...it smells delicious...and it SMELLS done. So it must be DONE so you take it out early and cut a slice and find out that you should have waited another 30 minutes.
And now you fell like a dumbass cause the cooking dynamics of the origianl pie have been altered and you have to basically start all over again.
Those long dramatic pauses on your part?
Not as subtle as you might think.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 07/23/1006:46 PM. Reason: staying a step ahead of the spelling Nazi.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Edited by Jack_Three_Beans (15 minutes 33 seconds ago) Edit Reason: staying a step ahead of the spelling Nazi.
LMAO
MHL-As much as everyone on this board says, YOU do this, and YOU say that, let me say that this crisis is not about YOU.
It is about her, she is in control until she breaks withdrawal. You can lead her home but thats it, she decides when her crisis is over, not YOU. She is seeing your changes and based on what seems to be happening you might be the best option.
Jack is right the pie is only 2/3 done, you don't really want it yet.
And about 30 minutes into baking it...it smells delicious...and it SMELLS done. So it must be DONE so you take it out early and cut a slice and find out that you should have waited another 30 minutes.
I like my pie FULLY cooked, LOL
PIL ????
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I'll give you gristle, you blow the whistle Waiter service, wait for this miss And don't you diss this, this is bliss miss Around the world with this miss
but I always hear Swiss Miss.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
And about 30 minutes into baking it...it smells delicious...and it SMELLS done. So it must be DONE so you take it out early and cut a slice and find out that you should have waited another 30 minutes.
I like my pie FULLY cooked, LOL
PIL ????
If you like your pie fully cooked then tough up.
What you are doing is working in so much that you see the old wife, you quit now rush forward, and she is justified in her head.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
