Especially relevant... you are trying to manage what you fear is an addiction to the OW...
Also, H has pretty much told you he can't get rid of OW while you are still entangled in that aspect of old R... He doesn't have the space he needs to do it. Interesting, no?
Not that you shouldn't set some boundaries--but those boundaries are about YOU, not him...
Quote: The one thing that leapt out at me, but which may be totally off base as I haven't read your thread, is that you *need* your H's respect to feel good about yourself.
You are trying to figure out how to change him, control him, to get it. You are afraid of requiring it because you are afraid of losing him, so you are afraid to set some boundaries. Bingo!!--this is a FEAR, a ME that H might not like and might be the straw that breaks the camels back...
What would happen if you merely reported when you did not feel respected: H, that doesn't work for me, I don't feel appreciated or respected. I would like to feel repected by you.
Set a boundary: how long will you wait for him to show you respect? Then, when he doesn't, it is your choice to experience that, not something he is imposing on you.... hmmmmm... do you see? don't quite understand this right now, but I usually need some time to "get it" so will ponder for awhile
Also, try to detach simply from his disrespectfulness. I have no idea what your style is — but assume a woman stuck in the 80s stylewise, big hair, shoulder pads, etc..., or a 15 year old trying to recreate the height of the punk rock scene, criticized a great new haircut you'd just gotten. Wouldn't you just laugh? How silly, how out of touch.... It wouldn't affect you or your ability to be friends... Your H is just as out of touch with your worth. Your worth is not contingent on him getting in touch with it.
Of course, you want an M with respect in it. Step back, report your feelings, ask for what you want, and see what happens. Do not be afraid to set a boundary, or you will never get a new R that is what YOU want.
I like this a lot! This just might work...thank you Acorn.
I'll just skip over the son/clothes situation as it works for us..son is soon to be four and doesn't know his dad isn't living there...until H is sure OW is what H wants, son has had not contact with OW and won't until H decides what H is doing...H respects this also.
Quote: And, as for the "probably be back tomorrow"? Ahhhh, I just see your happiness all wrapped up in his choice there... Something you have no control over... you're mind going a mile a minute.... what can I do to make him come back tomorrow.... Detach-- you don't know if he will, have no expectations, do not try to influence the tides, do what makes sense for YOU either way...
I really don't care if H comes over tonight, I'd rather H didn't. I was more SURPRISED that H was coming back after having spent all day with us yesterday...I am detached, trust me. You need to read my "WAH Came back in the middlet of the night thread which is a weeks worth of headspinning fun.... just kidding
LOL, haha... Acorn the fortune teller... I just need to get some tea leaves that actually work
Anyway, I just looked at a the last few posts on your thread.
Check this out!!!
Quote: We hugged, etc, and he told me that he needed to tell me something. He said that when he got to the study session that FF#1 told him that FF#2 wasn't coming. He said he internally freaked out, started feeling really sick to his stomach at the thought of our exchange this AM and knowing that he was now alone with FF#1 and would need to tell me that.
I was SO TOTALLY fine with it. Not an anxious bone in my body. I keep trying to tell him that it's not so much this FF or this friendship or their alone time as it is the stuff that it stirs up in me about ow, and fears and the past and the future...etc. Anyway...without even acting "as if" I said something like "Oh, honey, I'm sorry that you felt so sick about it. I'm totally fine with your study time with FF. I am SO glad that you told me. I know that you didn't have to. It means so much to me." Sounds like a pretty detached reaction on your part! Detached from the old R, so that this innocent thing didn't bother you
He was visibly relieved. Gave me a huge hug and said "Your reaction makes it so much easier for me to tell you hard things" And, look at the reaction!!!! The detachment makes it safe for your H to communicate honestly.
I said "In the spirit of full disclosure, I need to explain my reaction to you when I came home..." -- I told him about seeing the open hotmail window, and my BAD reactions, etc. Again-- detached. You didn't attack, or tell him what HE needed to do. You calmly reported what you had been feeling.
He was totally cool -- said that it hadn't even occurred to him to say he was sending email because it WAS about the homework (Shiny -- you were right!) and that he was totally sorry that I had felt unsure or badly. I told him that I was totally responsible for my reaction, etc, etc. Again, to good effects And, you took responsibility for your own happiness
Seems like you are doing well to me... Just look at those places you are stuck... Like the honesty in communication thing--you seem to be worried about controlling his reaction, and worse, for reasons from the old R that you are holding onto... Re the name in movies, I had a related problem... Discomfort, brings you down, can't meet eyes.... I like the humor idea: "Lol, H, every time they say Susy, all I can think is "Susy Schmoozy"--it's weird when something so innocent creates discomfort, but we don't have to be afraid of acknowledging. I mean, so what--it doesn't matter now. (kiss)." Quit hiding it, quit managing (you fixer, you)..... It's OK.
LOL, ok holdingon, but last one, haha... I bet you piecing people see when each other are doing this... it's just hard to see when we are doing it ourselves...
Just looked at a couple of pages -- rough time for you with the OW stuff--yuck!!!!
All I can say is that the more you detach, the more space he will have to get rid of OW for his own reasons, rather than it having to do that Rs role in old or new R.... I know, it feels like it should be about you... Maybe it should.... but as long as it is about you in his own head, he won't be able to distance himself from that R — it will keep playing the same function in your M that it did when it started.
It also sounds like you're unwilling to set boundaries around what kind of R is OK with H while he is with OW. You need to choose your own boundaries, fully acknowledging you cannot change H, having no expectations he will change, and then decide what works for YOU. Who knows what this will be? DBing for one more month, quitting now, trying for 6 months, who knows???? The point is to make it your responsibility — you are responsible for choosing to undertake the risk of trying with a man who has not let go of OW. This is not a bad thing, nor a good thing, it is your choice. Accept it as such: then, when something with OW happens again, realize that how it affects you was your choice, because you chose to take the risk. Detaching means stepping out of victim mode...
Also,
Quote: Was wanting to know his TG plans so thought I would send his this email: ... Has your sister made any further plans? Is she going skiing or staying home?
Just wanted you to know that you, of course, are invited to my sister's house (about 5 hours away). My younger brother is coming in from Florida with his family, and of course my older brother and his family will be there. I am not sure if my nephew's fiance, will be there or not. I think she was coming, but I am not sure if those plans have changed. If we go there we will leave on Wednesday. I hope you have a great day! me
Ummmmm.... This seems to be mostly about managing him... walking on eggshells.... he will feel it , you know.... He will feel you all entangled in his emotions, trying to manage him... Why not just be straighforward. He is your H, you have kids... Why not: "Hi H, I'm just wondering what your plans are for TG. You are of course welcome to go to my sister's. Either way, things will work better for she, I , and the kids if we know your plans. Thanks! W"
I gotta run... Phone call... Again, just look at where you are stuck, where H has power to mess with your world, read JJs post, and try to rethink it.
Hope your life gets easier--things must be so hard for you right now... You are brave, and strong, and compassionate... hang in there...
Quote: Ummmmm.... This seems to be mostly about managing him... walking on eggshells.... he will feel it , you know.... He will feel you all entangled in his emotions, trying to manage him... Why not just be straighforward.
An AHA moment for me...(not a DUH moment, thankfully!)...h used to tell me that he felt as though I was so carefully choosing my words to get some desired response out of him...I truly thought that I was doing it out of "good" -- not wanting to rile him up, not wanting to say the wrong thing, etc.
Truth be told, if I "own" my feelings and am NOT trying to control him...if I'm honest with myself and don't have ulterior motives...I bet he won't feel controlled...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Set a boundary: how long will you wait for him to show you respect? Then, when he doesn't, it is your choice to experience that, not something he is imposing on you.... hmmmmm... do you see?
Could you provide an example please...this is just not sinking in...
just kidding