tired of this

[A_goodman]

LongShanks,

That is a very prescient point. It seems like the perfect opening to lay out what came of MC this week.

First, as you all know, the list (regardless of its basis in reality) was unavoidable. We did discuss it and its roll in Ws feelings and actions. I think I was very empathetic and tried to validate the fact that, while I disagree with her take on some things, they were her feelings. I tried not to disagree, but did say that MY feelings were beginning to take a beating over some of the items and that I was really sad that she did not feel safe around me. That discussion mostly revolved around the one incident of me getting in her face, and how that was all it took (along with her mental health professional friends warning her to be wary of my reactions while this goes on). I reiterated that my anger was mostly gone as I was in the stage of acceptance and was really just interested in protecting the kids as much as possible through this. I told him that, like rebuilding my trust in her, this was a case where there wasn’t any quick fix for me to re-build her trust in me and for her safety.

So he focused on that and we talked about things we can work on to achieve this. I told him I plan on putting my hands in my pocket and stepping two steps back whenever things get heated. And that the issue is moot because I have dropped the rope. I didn’t tell them that I plan on managing any further confrontations on my terms by being firm while remaining calm and speaking softly from now on. Seemed like battle plans ought to be kept top-secret. There were some other details that he and she proposed that I will carry out in detail.

After that, I tried to steer us towards uncovering what needs she has that haven’t been getting met. In my mind, I still don’t really know. She said safety is need # 1. But that is a new thing. I wanted to get at the root of all this from 10 years ago until the present. So we discussed that and she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) really think of it. MC went down that road a little and told us to be patient because often times it is complicated and takes a while to uncover.

That’s when things took an interesting turn. He used the safety item and the incident that preceded it as an example. He said: “you puffed up and she was scared. So now she has this fear of you. That seems simple enough, but what was at the root of that confrontation?” So we discussed it more. I told my side of the story. *Remember this was pre-db so I was pursuing and arguing like mad to try and fix all this.

We were having an R conversation and she was spewing about all my shortcomings. I was giving it right back about her FB and going out all the time. She had told me that I was supposed to be the spiritual head of the household and a man about things, but had not been consistently taking the fam to church or taking care of my responsibilities as a man (not those!). When I started down the road about going out and all her seemingly more important FB friends, she told me to get used to it and that she refused to apologize for that. She said she didn’t have to ask my permission to go out or anything else for that matter! That tore it for me. I rose up on all fours (we were on the bed) and leaned forward to about a foot from her face and told her: “Yes. You do have to ask my permission. Because that’s what married couples do! They ask before they just decide to do whatever the hell they please. Especially when they know the other spouse might not approve. She told me to get out of her face and I uttered the immortal words: “Or what? You want me to start acting like a MAN? Well here it is baby. As your MAN, I’m TELLING you that you need to ask me before you just head to the bars.” Then I sat back down and she kept hammering along her previous points.

So there it was. Now I can see how that was intimidating for her. She swears it was meant that way. I disagree. She can and does push my buttons with abandon when she’s pissed. She was being particularly vicious and demeaning that night. Add to it the amount of stress I was under then, intimidating her was not on my mind. I felt like I was getting diced up by the one person whom I totally trusted and loved who had thrown my love away without a second thought. I was lashing out at the situation. And it was wrong I admit. But as amped up as I was, I never intended to hurt her and would not have. And thus, I did not touch her. At my most harried point, I did not touch her.

MC, used that to point out to us how our perspectives play a huge part in what is “real”. He said we were both right, but seeing it from vastly differently views. We build constructs (my words. I forgot the psychobabble word he used) based on our own reality that help us assign meaning to actions. The only thing we can do is learn to understand how they differ and which constructs are based on our shared experience and which ones we bring in from outside. It sounds like typical psychobabble, but it makes sense when you think about it. He said when we can 1) understand the things we are feeling that are being influenced by the outside constructs, we can learn to control them and/or change them. 2) When we learn how the other person’s construct is influencing their thoughts and feelings, we can alter our actions or know how to discuss it and help them recognize it too.

How it all comes together:

After a bunch more talking, he got down to two things of note. One that all my supposed “emotional dishonesty” (a recurring theme on her list) i.e. going along to get along and not speaking out about things that bothered me to avoid a fight came from my anxiety about discord in the M and the fear of losing her. It’s not rational, but that was my way of not experiencing anxiety. To her, it was a personal affront. She has been offended about this on a personal level because she NEVER keeps anything in (especially anger) in her eyes; it was her way of feeling like she was emotionally honest with me. He said this is a case of our external constructs leading us to see things in two different extremes. She admitted that she could see how that was true. A HUGE step.

The second point of interest to me is that my outburst and a lot of my anger was really caused by my feeling a total lack of respect from W. He said that the moment I broke was when after being called less than a man, she rubbed it in my face by saying she did not feel the need to show me common respect. He reminded me of last week when I said that I was done being a doormat. He said that was important enough to me that I said it several different ways. Apparently, to him, this is one of my needs that have been unfulfilled. It only rears its head when things are shaky, but it is always there under the surface. Whether it is an external or internal construct, now that I have recognized it, I need to keep it in mind and work with it. I choose to tend to it very carefully BTW. I will NEVER let it go ignored again.

If you are still out there Sandi, I think this is a professional verification of everything you told me, not that you needed it. I did not act with self respect and here she was “Validating” my actions by dis-respecting me at will.

Then the clincher. He said that my anxieties are such that I would do anything to avoid the loss of my wife and that Dana’s anxieties and constructs are different. To her it may cause MORE anxiety to stay than to leave the M. That struck me deeply. I told him that I thought he was misreading me. Regardless of my anxiety, I am deeply unhappy with the present state of things. As long as I feel like we are both desirous of some reconciliation, or at least working towards a common goal, I can endure for a long time. However, if there’s no goal, or I don’t feel like there is any progress or potential for progress, I want out as fast as possible.

This surprised him. He said that at the beginning, I seemed desperate to fix this and expressed that I would never want out. He said that that was a dramatic change in so short a time. I said that my life is almost half over and that it was far too short and far too precious to waste in an R with someone who does not want to be with me anymore. I love W and am extremely happy for the 20 mostly good years together, but I have a lot to offer and there’s a lot yet to experience. I want to be happy. Now and for the rest of my time here. That can happen together, but if not, it MUST happen apart. I will not live this way. I WILL be happy. However that occurs.

Thank you all of you, my friends, who have helped me see this. I might never have seen this if not for all your examples and direct help.

So now, two days later, I have some rather unsettling feelings. As the session was moderately good. We have related to each other a little better. I think we have some more understanding and it seems like the edge is a little less rough. But I can’t get the things I’ve learned on here and in the last session out of my head. Mostly, I find myself fantasizing about being free to do what ever I want. Not GAL free where there’s a point to it, but really free. On my own free. I’ve been up against the immovable object so long, all my energy has been focused on this and the ulterior motives of GAL. I’m getting worried that the damage she has dealt me is not repairable. She has treated me and our M like sh_t nd I’m not sure how to forgive that. This crap really hurts. So what happens if we work it out? She comes back and we love each other and sing cumbaya? I am starting to find the whole idea less appealing every day. I’m confused about this whole “anxiety/construct” thing. She has been trampling me for so long and by default, this whole R has always centered on Her. Now that I’m no longer the doormat and am standing up for myself, a lot of her BS is turning me off. Do I really love her anymore. AM I TURNING INTO THE WAW? Somebody please tell me this is natural and will pass if there is some success. I know what I will do. The Kids' security and development will trump these feelings, but they do have me nervous.

I’m sorry for writing another book chapter. It has been really helpful to journal this process and I guess I tend to be a windbag when free thinking.