Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

Thanks to all for your guidance ~ I have felt stronger again today and that is a very good thing.

While on vacation, I'd like to be able to take time to reflect on the things that I would like to improve upon. I would like to be a better friend, mother, daughter, employee, etc. I'd like to honor my faith more frequently. I'd like to rest:)

I also realize though that I need to begin to look at myself and my contributions to the marital problems. My H gave me a 6 page "overview" of his feelings about me and the marriage and I would like some feedback from you all as to interpreting -

How do I love W? Love her as friend, companion, wife, and I love making love to her.

What keeps me from being 100% committed to W? She drives me crazy sometimes, she is very strong with her opinions, she really likes things to be the way she thinks they should be, it is very difficult to share my opinion and fight for it, she has given me lip service over the years in being supportive of my coaching endeavors and has discouraged me from being the type of coach and person that I would have liked to have been, she has been extremely jealous from the beginning, I felt kind of trapped into having sex with her in college then trapped myself into marrying her, she is afraid of losing me, she's opinionated about the way things should be with the kids, she is more lackadaisical about spending, I don't feel I am the best person I could be while being with her (don't honor my parents, work, kids enough)

Am I holding out for someone else instead of wife? I don't think so but I might be. I like the thought of living life a different way. I am afraid of what I would have to tell my new acquaintances about my past with wife - do I say "I went on a sexual binge because I was not happy with my wife and lifestyle situation." I would tell my new partners that I didn't want to lie and be dishonest now or anymore. I would like some female companionship from time to time but do not want to get married. Work and kids would be my new priorities in my life - unless I found someone I felt I could be 100% totally committed to and accepting of my desire for an outstanding relationship with my kids.

The marital commitment does not mean as much to me as it does to wife. Maybe because I'm not as religious - maybe because I'm less committed to her than I would be to someone else - maybe because she pushes buttons on me that make me think it would be best for both of us.

I think I should end marriage because I do not love wife the way a husband should love his wife - maybe we will both be happier starting over - I am not 100% in all the time - wife deserves better than me.

So friends - I would like help. I recognize (with the help of this board and H's words) that my fears were driving my controlling behaviors. Co-dependency to a tee. I recognize through his words he felt I had a sense of disrespect. That was a large focus in MC over the last couple of years.

If you were me - where would you start with these issues? Mind you - I believe working on myself, in terms of my weight, health, discipline, contentment, self esteem go without saying. I'm just trying to get a handle on how H has perceived me and incorporate some of those feelings into this work.

Hope that makes sense - sorry for the long read!