My husband's emotional affair

[justpeachy]

Better question. Are all these "people" he's consulting fully informed on his history or is he keeping that a secret?

They all are now...

In fact, shortly after he confessed both EA's to his parents, his mom told him that she "just wants him to be happy, whatever that takes". And both of his parents told him that they thought he should still be able to be friends with OW. They apparently said they didn't really see it as an infidelity so much, and more that DH messed up because he lied to me and hid his "friendship" with her from me... DH assures me he knows that, despite what they said, it was an affair.

I really appreciate your guidelines on what to say. I think that's where I struggle. I think I know, deep down, what I need to do. But I'm trying to break out of years of old patterns that obviously didn't work. I spent years fighting with him for protection and safety in our relationship after the first affair and being met with resistance, blameshifting, and gaslighting. I'd try to set boundaries, but he'd always throw it back at me like I was going overboard. So now I have to figure out how to ask for the things I've been asking for all along, but in a completely new way -- and for that I'm starting from scratch.

I think I fear that it's going to damage the good progress we have made on some fronts (and erase the goodwill, positive communication, and loving feelings that we've been fostering), and send us back to fighting, him withdrawing because he feels attacked/controlled, and essentially ending up where we were before. I do know, however, that if we don't set solid boundaries this WILL happen again, and I don't want that either!