(((((((Cathy)))))))), didn't have a chance to go back to your old thread, but from what I can see, you've been going through some crazy stuff lately...
The one thing that leapt out at me, but which may be totally off base as I haven't read your thread, is that you *need* your H's respect to feel good about yourself.
You are trying to figure out how to change him, control him, to get it. You are afraid of requiring it because you are afraid of losing him, so you are afraid to set some boundaries.
What would happen if you merely reported when you did not feel respected: H, that doesn't work for me, I don't feel appreciated or respected. I would like to feel repected by you.
Set a boundary: how long will you wait for him to show you respect? Then, when he doesn't, it is your choice to experience that, not something he is imposing on you.... hmmmmm... do you see?
Also, try to detach simply from his disrespectfulness. I have no idea what your style is — but assume a woman stuck in the 80s stylewise, big hair, shoulder pads, etc..., or a 15 year old trying to recreate the height of the punk rock scene, criticized a great new haircut you'd just gotten. Wouldn't you just laugh? How silly, how out of touch.... It wouldn't affect you or your ability to be friends... Your H is just as out of touch with your worth. Your worth is not contingent on him getting in touch with it.
Of course, you want an M with respect in it. Step back, report your feelings, ask for what you want, and see what happens. Do not be afraid to set a boundary, or you will never get a new R that is what YOU want.
Also, as for the hiding stuff from your S, with the clothes thing, WTF??? lol... That is enabling, enmeshment, entaglement helping him portray things in a way he thinks they should be. Why not: I appreciate you're not wanting to hurt S, but I would feel used if I participated in creating a false world.
And, as for the "probably be back tomorrow"? Ahhhh, I just see your happiness all wrapped up in his choice there... Something you have no control over... you're mind going a mile a minute.... what can I do to make him come back tomorrow.... Detach-- you don't know if he will, have no expectations, do not try to influence the tides, do what makes sense for YOU either way...
So, anyway, just my two cents, from a DBer getting D, who hasn't read your sitch... But, that's the kind of stuff that drives me nuts, lol, reading the threads in piecing.
