My husband's emotional affair

[Allen A]

JP you really need to process this point :

You are a married COUPLE... you two don't do important things like this in private, you do them as a COUPLE

You buy a home as a couple
You have a baby as a couple
You deal with cancer as a couple
You deal with infidelity as a couple

This No contact letter should be written and signed by BOTH of you... written AS a UNIFIED COUPLE and sent with BOTH your names on it from an email account with both your names in the username

[e-mail]

etc

You don't ask HIM to do this privately and to send you a copy or any of that nonsense

You don't ask him to clean the PC out privately, you do it TOGETHER.. you rebuild your marriage TOGETHER

I know its painful and you may not want to see what he's been doning but you NEED to KNOW how BAD this has gotten so you KNOW what you're DEALING with

You can't just drop this in his lap and ask him to take care of it... THAT is a time bomb just waiting to go off...

Do it TOGETHER as a COUPLE...

Do important things... good AND BAD as a couple

if your kid gets run over by a car and you have to go to the hospital, you do it AS A COUPLE, etc

This woman needs to see a COUPLE challenging her and asking her to NOT DEFILE this marriage ANYMORE and that you both WANT HER to LEAVE

Both names at the bottom, you both have read it and are happy with it..

GOt that?

This is a practice you need to get USED to.. do it TOGETHER.. that is the answer to MOST of the questions about marriage

You deal with it TOGETHER... you don't dump problems in the spouses lap and sit and wait for them to deal with them.. that's not fair...

if you want a NC letter done you start one, ask him to make some changes... INSIST he read it and make some changes... so it is from BOTH of you..

This is important that you do things together, from now on... as a COUPLE.. starting NOW

Start with the no contact letter and PC clean up... together is the answer...

[Allen A]

It does not have to be you suprvising and scowling... but you sit down and ERASE the woman from the PC as a couple... make dinner and have a sit down with him... do not drop it in his lap to clean it all up and sit on the sidelines...

You need to be INVOLVED in the recovery process...

[Allen A]

AND its not just emails and such he has to clean up... I am SURE there are photos of her on that PC... remove ANY TRACE of her from that PC and DESTROY ALL BACKUPS

[justpeachy]

Things have seemed better recently. He hasn't been in communication with OW (or, if he has, he's gone really deep). We started seeing an MC. We've also been communicating a lot better -- a lot more kindly and compassionately.

Within a few days of my last post (after we exchanged passwords and purged her information), DH started doing things I had been asking from him for years! He started text messaging me randomly throughout the day (something he did with OW, but rarely with me), and this has continued almost daily since. When I'd get home from work, he was more attentive and greeted me more quickly/affectionately. He showed serious interest in reading "Not Just Friends" after I was done with it (something he never would have done before). He has sought out spending more time with me in the evenings and on the weekends. He has been kinder and more loving towards me....

Then earlier this week he texted me out of the blue saying: "I think I'm starting to feel happier. I'm looking forward to spending time with you on the cruise." (we booked a cruise for our anniversary earlier this year, and we leave in a week.) And then he said "I just feel better about us now. It's an amazing feeling, but I'm finally starting to consider our future together more seriously".

I know we have a long ways to go towards fixing things. And ultimately he's going to need to do something about my fear that this will happen again before I can really feel safe and secure in my marriage, and be able to truly trust him again. But, I'm feeling more hopeful right now that we may be on the right path. I'm also currently reading "Divorce Busting" and trying to implement its ideas, in the hopes that I can effect greater positive change and maintain what we already have done.

[Allen A]

Use Penny's Monthly Fidelity Health Check.

That should help restore some confidence :


Fidelity Health Check
A once a month check on the health of your marriage. The best cure is always prevention. Although no one can completely prevent the possibility of infidelity a good marriage is a strong protective measure. Combine a good marriage with being aware of and avoiding risks and dangers to the marriage and you have the most powerful tools working in your favor.

Answer yes or no to the questions below. A yes answer must include both spouses actions and choices – if your response is that one of you does this but not the other then the answer is no.

1. Are you spending at least 2 nights a week and one weekend day together as a couple doing something that’s fun for both of you?

2. Are you able to bring up, discuss, and mutually resolve small issues in your lives within a couple of days?

3. Are you able to bring up, discuss, and mutually resolve larger issues in your lives within one or two weeks – or can you agree to table them without resentment until a later date?

4. Do you share all information about other people in your lives - friends, coworkers, and others. This includes conversations, affectionate gestures, email, and emotional reactions.

5. Do you share all information about your whereabouts and your activities when you are not together?

6. Do you share all financial information freely?

7. Do you have a spoken or unspoken agreement – and do you abide by this agreement - to avoid doing things that annoy or offend each other?

8. Are you both aware of and have you discussed the risks other people can pose to your marriage?

9. Do you have an agreement that attraction to another person will be discussed openly?

10. Do you have an agreement to avoid intimate conversations with other people of your sexual preference – particularly conversations about dissatisfaction with your marriage or theirs?

11. Do you have an agreement not to engage in ‘dating’ activities with others of your sexual preference – coffee or lunch together, stopping at the bar after work, or just hanging out at the office or elsewhere?

Evaluation –

“Yes” answers to questions 1, 4, 8, 9, 10, and 11 are crucial. “No” answers to any of these puts you at a significant risk of infidelity in your marriage.

“Yes” answers to 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7 demonstrate a good level of cooperation and partnering. If you answered no to any of these but not the ones listed above, you can begin to add these practices to your marriage. A ‘no’ answer to any of these in combination to the ones listed above increases your risk for infidelity in your marriage.

[justpeachy]

Thank you, Allen. That it really helpful! I'm going to print it out and show it to DH.

I think the one we're going to have the hardest time with is #11... on DH's part. Convincing him that hanging out with his female friends (who he thinks are all "safe") is going to be painful (and has already been a huge fighting point between us for years). I've been thinking of taking a different tactic to that (previously I'd just say "don't do it" and he wouldn't listen, thinking I was being "controlling" and "jealous"). Instead, I'm thinking of asking that these things become couple events (so that he and I are doing those things with his female friends and their partners). I'm hoping that if we make his female friends friends of the marriage instead that it might help (although I know it won't entirely prevent something from happening).

[Allen A]

Your H is in no position to argue. He cheated and he has to repair that damage.

He should not have been doing #11 in the first place.

He can claim they are safe all he wants. YOUR COMFORT should be MORE IMPORTANT than the need to socialize with women in private.

If he can't avoid private meetings with women then he has no business being married because he has his priorities misconfigured.

Growing up means prioritizing marriage before friends. Period.

[justpeachy]

And what do I do if I put my foot firmly down on that and he puts up a huge fight about it? He's got a whole bunch of people (his female friends, guy friends, even his parents) that seem to think there's nothing wrong with him having close female friends who he hangs out with one-on-one from time to time. So how do I actually convince him that it's necessary to protect our marriage, and that it's not about me just trying to "control" him? I feel like if he refuses to budge on it that I have two choices: give in to what he wants or leave the marriage. And I really, really do not want the latter option.

[Allen A]

All the people who think nothing is wrong weren't the ones cheated on... YOU WERE.. their input is both uneducated and inexperienced.

Ask ANYONE who was cheated on if its "safe" and they till tell you its NOT... I don't care how many "votes" he collects... He's NOT going to prove this point.

Tell him to keep reading then because he doesn't "get it" yet.

After an affair there is some education that's necessary and he clearly has'nt embraced that yet.

Shirley Glass has made the point very clear. Penny's monthly list is based on Glass' work..

If your H is willing to risk his marriage in order to chit chat privately with other women then you have to decide if YOU are willing to live in a marriage with a man who is willing to roll dice with his marriage.

Next time he accuses you of being controlling you say this :


STOP calling ME controlling. YOU LIED. Our marriage was VIOLATED. YOU need to OWN that and REPAIR that damage and STOP making excuses.

When YOU lie, when YOU violate a marriage, when YOU cheat and HIDE your hurtful behavior like you did YOU CONTROLLED OUR MARRIAGE into a DITCH

YOu are the one who has controlled this marriage for the worse by your choices. I am doing the work of TOLERATING your BETRAYAL. Do NOT call ME controlling.

I am PROTECTING this marriage from you driving it OUT of control AGAIN.

When YOU start protecting this marriage as MUCH as I DO, maybe I won't HAVE to work so hard protecting it and we can do it 50 - 50. As long as YOU insist on PUSHING it into risky areas I have to work TWICE as hard to PROTECT IT.

And I am NOT going to do that for the rest of my life.

You had better start taking ownership for the safety of this marriage VERY SOON if you want ME to TRUST YOU again because FIGHTING on THIS POINT is NOT motivating an OUNCE of trust in me that this marriage is SAFE.

[Allen A]

Better question. Are all these "people" he's consulting fully informed on his history or is he keeping that a secret?