I think JJs thread does a much better job of explaining detachment than I could ever hope. But, what I meant here, was, that the sticking places in so many Rs, especially in piecing, seem to come at points at which the DBer thinks NOTHING can change with respect to some issue, because they are too close to it... too enmeshed, too much trying to manage the spouse... Too afraid to ask for what they want, or create and enforce boundaries, too afraid to lose what you've gained....
Here's a clue: if you find yourself stuck, and you keep talking about what the other person is causing you to feel, how they need to change their actions, so you don't feel that way, then you have not detached. They are still controlling your world.
For Example: Suppose you are stuck wondering if H is telling the truth about an EA not being a PA, even though he insists it wasn't. There is NOTHING he can do or say to convince you otherwise. You think it is his fault that you are so stuck, and see no way to get past it. Your happiness, your peace, then is too entangled in the R, WORSE, entangled in the OLD R. You have not detached from that. You'd either need to accept that it didn't happen, or that you won't ever know, and let it go. Yes, it would be nice to have that resolved, but maybe it won't be. The choice you can make now is to detach from that old R completely, do not let it run your world now. Choose to create the conditions for trust that you need in the NEW R. NOTHING you do now can go back in time and recreate them in the OLD R. If you can't do this, then that sticking point becomes non-negotiable. There is nothing either of you can do. H is powerless to change it, nothing H does can meet your demand for peace about the old R. Only you have the power to change it, but you have refused to recognize this as something you can change. Maybe it feels like you can't — but that, I submit, is because you haven't detached from old R. It is hard to see this until you do — indeed, maybe impossible. That is why detachment is key to progress.
I have no idea what your sitch is — I'd just suggest looking at the places you are stuck and considering how your being entangled, enmeshed, in parts of the old R, or parts of the new R in which you are recreating the old R, because you haven't detached, keep you stuck.
