she replied to what I wrote(pretty much what you told me too) with this:
Sometimes I cannot sleep because I am scared of you, and you started to be this way before work became hectic.
I'm noticing she seems to be opening up to you more & more, you are agreeing with her feelings, instead of being against them and guess what, you're getting on her good side of those feelings.
She is going to continue telling you how she felt and how she feels.
Don't be surprised if she starts throwing some curve balls and gets angry along the way, some of these memories aren't going to be good and she's going to get angry, you're just going to have to play it by ear, learn when to be quiet and learn when to respond, mostly listen at this point, don't try to fix any problems, she's just venting right now which I was pretty sure she would do.
- she knows where the door is, she can go at any time, you both know that, in fact let's just assume that's her plan right now, she is free to go at any time, in fact you are too.
Don't attempt to read her mind, you'll never accomplish that.
Don't worry about her expectations, just keep your own expectations in check, when you start placing expectations on another person and they don't meet them, you're the one left feeling that you've lost something so let go of any expectations.
Being cordial & nice (without being a "nice guy"), is just the way to be regardless.
I dont know how you know so much, but i am glad you are keeping up with my exteremly frequent posts. Since I have just agreed and let her vent, she starts texting me pics of the kids eating ice cream. I reply with how good that looks right now. So she is being friendly and joking again, our D3 gave herself a hicky on her arm, W sent a pic of it with an OMG.
Seems things do difuse when I do not engage in her tantrums. I just have to keep up with the agreeing and doing what I can. At some point I do not agree with what she says, the part about being scared of me when she sleeps, I think that is ridiculous I have never laid a hand on her, actually have let he pound on me physically and took it. If she was that scared she would leave. I guess thats why her family calls her Drama Mama.
W just sent a text that the chiropractor she works for preceived a hpone call from an Athletes Performance center the W interviewed with yesterday stating that the manager was very impressed with her, and they are looking forward to her working with them and their teams(W is a sports and theraputic massage therapist). I replied " I am very happy for you, good job!
I've learned a lot from the vets on this site, too many to mention all of them but a few that come to mind: puppy, coach, greek, sandi, gucci, steve plus a ton more on top of that.
Quote:
Seems things do difuse when I do not engage in her tantrums. I just have to keep up with the agreeing and doing what I can.
Make note of that, something that actually worked.
Human nature unfortunately dictates that when we find something that works, we tend to stop using it and look for something else that works. My suggestion, make notes of what works and review them frequently, get used to doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work.
Quote:
At some point I do not agree with what she says, the part about being scared of me when she sleeps, I think that is ridiculous I have never laid a hand on her, actually have let he pound on me physically and took it. If she was that scared she would leave. I guess thats why her family calls her Drama Mama.
Remember I'm saying agree with her. I'm not saying that she's right. You may very well be 110% right on this issue. Being right won't get you on the good side of her feelings. Remember what I said about point of view and perception of reality, from her point of view, she feels that way, she really does, regardless if you believe it or not, that's her point of view, those are her feelings, that's her reality.
Yes your reality is that she's loopy (technical term), there is no way she should feel scared or insecure around you, you work in law enforcement, your job is about protecting people, you're the protector of the family and yet.... she feels insecure and scared of you. It's quite possible something in the past has scared her and she now associates that feeling with you. That's ok, feelings do change if you give them a chance to change.
So even though she shouldn't be scared of you, something has spooked her, you just don't know what it is. So from your point of view, she shouldn't be scared, I agree with you. Maybe you can agree with the fact that something has scared her/spooked her, she's revealed as much to you, so why not just agree with the fact that she "feels" that way, it's her feelings, you can't argue with feelings, you will never win an argument with someone's feelings, people just feel the way they do.
So instead of several chances for arguments today, you agreed with her feelings, disaster averted, on top of that, she's texting you pics of her and the kids and engaging in what would appear to be jokes, sharing her good experiences with the kids, etc.
Maybe you will agree with me that this is more enjoyable than fighting.
You haven't won the war yet, you guys aren't reconciled but all anyone can ask for is one day at a time, yesterday's done, tomorrow's too far away (you'll deal with tomorrow... tomorrow) so just enjoy today.
I think you did some good work.
p.s. yes I agree, she's a "drama mama", she isn't the first and she won't be the last ;-)
W just sent a text that the chiropractor she works for preceived a hpone call from an Athletes Performance center the W interviewed with yesterday stating that the manager was very impressed with her, and they are looking forward to her working with them and their teams(W is a sports and theraputic massage therapist). I replied " I am very happy for you, good job!
Good job on congratulating her, it doesn't have to be over the top but it's cool to celebrate someone's success.
and with that note, congrats to you on your successes today, you did good, you could have easily fell back on to your old habits of arguing against her feelings but you didn't, you took the advice and eliminated several arguments, no small task, you did good!
W is texting me from the wedding asking me about some randon email from last week. I made some smart ass comment last week about her picture on her profile for gmail. Its been over a week, she just now texts me asking about it? Trying to pick a fight, I'm not going to respond. If she brings it up again I'm just going to blow it off I am not. Going to engage every time she is trying to get me worked up
