Tonight, my wife said something I'd never heard before. We had what I thought was a small argument about redesigning a closet. In the aftermath, as we were talking things out, she said that she was angry at me because she felt like she didn't measure up to me. She told me that I was a good man who worked hard and always supported her and that she was angry because that wasn't enough for her.
My first reaction is to try to reason things out. I explained to her that I believe a "spark" is only one of many components of a marriage. Companionship, security, respect, friendship, shared values, etc... are also equally important. I explained that our marriage is strong in most of these ways and only weak in one. Surely that can't be a logical grounds for divorce. I also reminded her that she has been there for me as much as I've been there for her. I told her she is a good wife. (My wife always feels inferior for some reason. In her job, when we were in school, she never feels like she measures up.) I told her she makes me happy.
You married when she was 19. Did she finish school? Degree? Fulfilling job?
When she goes to do something (aka doing the closet), do you overturn her suggestions and usually get your way? Do you say things like, "let me help"...and then she ends up on the couch watching? How do you let her know you're proud of something she did, or praise and accomplishment?
It can be something as simple as "where do you want to eat dinner?" She says "Chili's", then you say "I'm not really in the mood for Chili's, let's go to RedLobster?" While the guy thinks he's being gracious by asking- he's actually discounting her input, as if her choice doesn't matter.
It can be as simple as giving praise in a certain way. Example- Wow you did it! instead of Wow that looks great! or Were you able to get it done? instead of How did it go? or How hard was it? The difference is that the first one projects the aire of you didn't think she could and then she did, while the second projects true praise and helps build her up because she did it and you knew she could. The second statements also invites her to share her experience with you since you seem interested.
From what you've explained, your wife still seems like she is able to talk to you. That's good. I see a positive that she was actually able to voice to you that she feels inferior. Now you need to figure out why. Find out what SHE wants.
I have a double BA with Cum Laude and High Honors, a MA with a 4.0 GPA, am set to start my PHd., and I am a kick a$$ teacher with accolades up the wazoo; yet H can and does relate to me in ways that cause me to feel as if I can't do anything. The way he talks, the way he takes over things, the "little stuff"...... I'm slowly working on him
and it's not just my H, I see it so often dealing with parents of students. So when I hear about a wife/husband who feels inferior, can't do anything right or just like they'll never live up to their spouses expectations; I always 'listen' to the words the spouse uses.
What words do you use? How can they be rephrased? Remember, it's not really the thought that counts, and it's not really the intent that matters.....it's how it's recieved- her perception is her perception. you're not going to change her perception, but you can change your actions and words so it's percieved the way you intend it.
Oh, and when I feel inferior like that, it's really hard to feel attracted to him and desire sex.
I may be way off, but given her words, and the fact that you married young.... it's worth a look.
