How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

I want to let him go...to stop this unbelievable pain. The PTSD is powerful in my life right now. I barely sleep due to the nightmares, the smallest things trigger flashbacks, and I SO nervous when I know he is about to call or come by to get the boys.
I WANT to let him go, but I don't know why I don't just do it. I have moments where I am thinking logically and understand that his leaving me is a blessing (I survived), but usually I am just longing to be back in my M with my H because it was something I got used to and had already set up defense mechanisms to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with the aftermath. I feel so lonely and misunderstood, abandoned.