I'm a relative oldtimer, getting D, but I am happy — in no small part from DBing and the people here. This is pretty much a copy and paste from a post I made in newbies... but I think it is soooo important....
I've been thinking about posting about detachment, and today I say JJ's thread on it, so, I thought I would go ahead... Detachment Thread I have watched so many people go through so much on this board, and when there is real growth and progress, it has almost always come with significant detachment.
Like JJ's post says, detachment is not giving up love and concern, it is about taking care of yourself and being good to the other person in a sane way.
I think most WAs flee because the relationship is too enmeshed, too entangled, for them to find the space they need any other way. Until you detach, it will stay that way. No matter the space you otherwise try to give them, the only way to create the real space you both need in the R is to detach.
Too many of us, I think, don't reach this point of detachment until we are done with the M, and have accepted D. I know that was true of me. But, with detachment comes clarity. I see how things might have gone differently if I had detached earlier. I see how holding on because of fear and other worries (I will be a horrible, shallow, faithless person if I let go, blah blah blah), got in the way of my goals when I was DBing H.
With what I see as the clarity of detachment, I look at my **DB friends in piecing** with frustration. So many have come so far, but stop short of full detachment and stay stuck. It is painful to watch the same cyclic behavior repeat over and over in their threads because they don't detach.
With what I see as the clarity of detachment, I look at my DB friends in separated with frustration. So many have come so far, but stop short of full detachment and stay stuck. It is painful to watch the same cyclic behavior repeat over and over in their threads because they don't detach.
One thing in particular seems to happen in both cases: there is an unrecognized or unresolved point of non-negotiation. Something that we think can't be negotiated because we are not detached enough.
I think successful DBing requires real detachment, that it is at the heart of Michelle's philosophy, and we too often lose site of that.
Maybe some of this has to do with looking for baby steps... we stay too close to the R. Baby steps are important, they give us hope. We can detach and appreciate them like a sunny day in winter, but don't allow them to keep you enmeshed, entangled, in the unhealthy aspects of your R.
Peace, happiness, and hope all increase with each stage of detachment we gain. JJ's post is about detaching from substance abusers, yes. It has the religious slant of Al Anon, which you may find helpful, or not. (Me, I don't, but it does not lessen from the value of its message.) Your WA may or may not be an addict. But, like I said, I think with the WAs there is almost always something going on that is related — one spouse is an addict (alcohol, porn, affairs, work, eating disorder) or one spouse had a parent who was an addict or one spouse is heavy into controlling behaviors (because of past trauma--often sexual trauma, past addiction, or a parent who was an addict). Often both spouses have something going on.... It doesn't matter why these R's are so enmeshed, it matters that detachment is key.
It is not easy. We think we have detached completely until we find the next level, and see how being detached less was getting in our way. So please, try....
It will help you through the initial months of raw desperate pain, the months of limbo, the resolution of the R through reconciliation or D.
I don't post much anymore — I'm not a great DB cheerleader anymore because I often see how it keeps people from detaching. This is NOT to say I don't think DB works, only that in our pain we often keep each other too tied to the R because it is so scary to cut the strings and see what happens. But, I do really value DBing, my DBBs (DB buddies), and the strength and compassion of so many who have helped me get to where I am.
So, I decided to post this in the hope that it will help move a few people along. Detaching is not giving up. Detaching is not stopping love. Detaching is the best thing you can do for yourself, your partner, and your M. My thoughts are always with you, my DBBs. I know how hard it is!!!! It is getting better, you know it is if you are here. This is just a tool to help...
