Rob, let me ask you a question. She has our joint money in a separate account that I do not know where it is or how much is left. She told me that everything is still there and the balance. She only uses it to pay for the few joints bills we have left. I have not made an issue out of this for months. I have not asked her to show me a bank statement or demanded that she return the money to our joint account. I am showing trust on my end about this. My question is, doesn’t this show her that I trust her and so therefore she should trust me to sell the house without signing an agreement?
She is so focused on those 2 years of "hell" because.... you guys lived a great life before that.
Think of the change process involved in adjusting from a great life to a crappy one.
Going from not working and enjoying a great life to having to get a job and work to pay the bills because you apparently couldn't provide for her anymore (loss of security).
So she took the money in the joint account to protect herself just in case the floor falls out from beneath her feet again.
I hear what you say about those 2 years, I'm not totally unfeeling towards you in that respect, life is hard, it sucks sometimes. I don't want to say we aren't defined by our great moments because we are, but we are probably more recognized for how we handle adversity and bad times, and that's what your wife focuses on right now, that's all she can see.
Don't fault her for it.
Human beings in general are wired to remember negative times more vividly then positive times.
It's a survival mechanism, we need to remember negative times and responses otherwise if we didn't have this ability to recognize negative events, our species as a whole would have probably died out a long time ago. She is wired (as are you) to remember bad times. We're all built a little differently with regards to how sensitive we are and how we respond to them. You remember that fire is hot, burning yourself hurts, getting cut and bleeding are bad, falling down and breaking a bone is bad, getting into a car accident is bad, walking on the sidewalks is safe, walking on the road during busy traffic is not so safe, people who hurt us are bad, stay away from them, people who don't make us feel secure will not take care of us, etc. Seriously there are like a 1000 more examples to ramble on about but I think you get the point.
We remember negative experiences because it's how we survive, we remember them so we know to avoid those problems.
Otherwise we'd all think jumping off bridges is a fun thing to do ;-)
Back to you:
She's not worried about you trusting her, in her mind, in her point of view, she hasn't done anything to break your trust but... in her point of view, she doesn't trust you, you didn't do what you were supposed to do which was protect her and make her feel more secure. She learned that when the going got tough, you weren't there to protect her and she needed that.
You can discuss this ad nauseum and point out the logic of the situation in many different ways and I'm not faulting you for your rough patch but I can see how your wife has issues with you because of it.
So her keeping that money in her account that you don't have access to so that she can pay whatever bills are required, is her own little piece of security and you know what, let her have that security, don't bust her hump over it, realize it for what it is and just adopt the "I understand" mentality because she is very insecure regardless if she admits it or not.
Your part on this is to rebuild the trust through consistent actions, be a man of your word, be ambitious, be a go getting, make a great life for yourself and if she wants back, she'll come back eventually if she ever feels secure around you again.
That's my take on this.
Sign that agreement, sell the house, use the commission to pay for whatever is left on the mortgage if the sale proceeds don't cover it, be a man of your word.
Sometimes it's difficult to see the other person's point of view, you have to open your eyes to the possibility that another point of view looking at the exact same situation will yield an entirely different perception of reality. That's the case with you and your wife right now.
I'm glad you didn't see my 2x4 as bashing you but helping you see the other side of things, in my point of view, that's a step in the right direction.
