Let her be the way she wants to be and not responding to the email was the right thing to do, nothing you could say in an email would make her feel better, she needs to vent, she's human (most of the time) let her vent.
As for the alcohol concerns, if she speaks to you, and you get emotional and angry in your response, all you do is validate that she is correct on the issue, remember we're dealing with perceptions of reality, she thinks she's right from her point of view, you think you're right from your point of view, if she brings it up, just say "your concerns are valid but I'm not going to Denver to drink and party, I'm going there to take a trip and break with the kids, to visit family and to relax. You are free to contact me regularly, to speak with the kids, etc. while we're there so that you feel more secure about the situation"
That's it, defuse the bomb without alot of work.
As for your agitation, you're human too, realize that you're going to get angry sometimes, realize also that it's your choice to stay angry or to deal with the emotion, the reason behind it and then to calm down and be normal again. Learn to control yourself.
Thanks Rob, As soon as she walked in I was walking out. I didn't say much to her other than I didn't unload the dishwasher. She says "are you not talking to me" I simply replied you knew I wanted to go to a meeting and you are late, I have to go. I left it at that. When the trip comes up in conversation I will say exactly what you recommend to say. I think you are starting to see what I mean about her extreme hot and cold back and forth. I do post a lot as to get advice but also as my way of journaling and venting. She also stated in her email, to focus on me and my issues. I need to keep focused, after that email I will make it a point not to talk to her family anymore as well. She made refernence to talking to her aunt is not ok if we talk about us. So my guess is auntie brought "us" up to W and that sparked the email. Glad this is all happening in the beginning to get it out of the way now rather than later. I was debating bringing my computer to the bedroom since I work on things late and it will be going somewhat dark and a little mysterious, any thoughts?
I am not the way I should be, lets put it that way. I know you guys will say, you need to do it the right way, or things will not work. I am still working on this and will need several kicks in the @ss obviously. I did speak with my sis in Denver, who is a psych major who believes the W detaches by trying to be the adult and thinks there is nothing wrong with her which is why she goes off on me. Saying that I am the one with all the problems. Sis says until W gets back to reality(if she ever will) you will be stuck at home and miserable. Again my family is telling me to file and be done, they dont think I deserve this. So wishy washy in my head, which i need to go shave and take a shower. I will check back from my crackberry when I crawl into bed.
well be happy, act happy to start with, even if you aren't, become an actor, act happy, be happy, life is awesome, you are awesome, kids are awesome, etc. After a while you will just get used to being happy, you've been in a rut and you need to turn it around, regardless of the situation (make no excuses) being negative certainly isn't attractive.
Came down from pc, W started talking to me about things, no R talk. She brought up the drinking, told her I don't think I'm an alcoholic. Did I start abusing or using it to escape stress? Yes but after some meetings and some serious seasoned AA peeps told me I am not one, I'm not going to let the W tell me I am. I agreed with W to the fact I was abusing it and left it at that. She then asked me if I have figured out why I pick things to get angry at her about? I told her I don't know why, I know I do it, but don't know why, and that is something I am working on. So basically I did some good dbing I think. I was not overdoing it, but I was not defensive or argumentative with her.
She then asked if I cancelled her gym membership, told her no. She then said well I can't afford it. I siad I will cancel it as soon as I can, did not offer to cover it or react in a way that I would normally like, so you are preparing everything separate? I am making myself as "as if" which is not easy for me. She did not bring up trip to denver again, she seems very interested in my progress working on myself. She did not bring up earlier email, neither did I. I am going to let things be. Defuse and detach.
At some point I will need to bring up that I am planning on going to my 20 year reunion in CA in september. Should be interesting how that goes over. So for a night that I could have let go to a mess turned out peaceful. Told her I was also going to sign S up for karate and that I would do lessons with him to make it more fun for him. She asked who would pay for it? Told her I would figure it out. My finances will start to be mine hers are hers we will split house bills going forward.
Started today with the kids not wanting me to leave for work, I dont think the W understands that our kids are picking up on our tension, she probably just thinks they will be fine, no big deal.
What I cant get out of my head is the fact that she wrote about wanting things to be cooperative, that we tried again and its over. I believe that is why she is being so civil in person, she thinks I will lose it and do anything to get back at her for going through this again. I believe this is all part of her plan, If I just be nice and civil to him he will go along with it.
At what point do i just say, forget it. I am planning on sending an email with a list of bills, breaking it down that ok, since we are separated this is your half this is mine. Not planning on an angry email just laying out the facts. I have seen many WA's that want their cake, well if I dont lay down at least the financial boundary then I am letting her have her cake and eat it too.
So for a night that I could have let go to a mess turned out peaceful.
It takes practice to learn not to defend yourself so much but when you stop defending yourself against your spouse and just agree to a lot of what they're complaining about, they have nothing to fight with or against.
You usually can only fight with someone who fights back, when the other person won't fight back and agrees with the other person, it usually stops the fight.
You've proven that with your interaction last night.
You even mentioned that your wife was interested in the fact that you mentioned you are working on you.
Small steps, keep doing what you're doing.
Here is where it gets interesting, a wayward spouse will think you're up to something, the 180's that you're working on & doing right now are different from what you normally do, it upsets the current order of things, your spouse can't help but notice a change (he didn't fight, he agreed that he was drinking too much, he agreed that he did pick things to get angry about her, he knew he was doing it, he acknowledged that and didn't defend himself, didn't know why he was doing those things but he knows he does them and he's working on doing something to fix that habit). You pretty much took whatever energy she had been preparing to use in a fight/argument with you and released it in a way that calmed down everyone.
You didn't have to fight with her. She didn't have to fight with you.
In the whole scheme of things, isn't that more preferable? And all you had to do is just agree with her and the way she looks at things, you agreed with her feelings, she's in love with her feelings, her feelings guide what she is doing right now, you've been against her feelings for a long time now, guess what happens when you agree with her feelings? She has nothing to fight against.
Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and you will stumble and fall occasionally but make it a habit of not defending yourself, the arguments stop before they even happen this way. People feel more comfortable around each other this way.
If people are really interested in fighting, they should invest in UFC pay per views, punching bags & gloves for home, etc.
You can not feel secure with a spouse that you always fight with, it's impossible. It should be you & your spouse against the world, not against each other.
I agree she will think I am up to something, I am making changes to get things back, then will go back to the way things were. I think that is her mindset because we have been through this before.
I am watching the kids tonight, so she can go to a wedding, I told the kids we are going to a new gym tonight! they love the indoor play area. The W asked why? I said just a change of scenery left it at that.
What is strange is now that I am doing things differently she continues to ask why? so am I reading too much that she is still interested in what is going on with me? It seems that a lot of WA 's seem to be completely not interested in what the LBS is doing. It gives me some hope just dont want it to be false hope.
