So for a night that I could have let go to a mess turned out peaceful.
It takes practice to learn not to defend yourself so much but when you stop defending yourself against your spouse and just agree to a lot of what they're complaining about, they have nothing to fight with or against.
You usually can only fight with someone who fights back, when the other person won't fight back and agrees with the other person, it usually stops the fight.
You've proven that with your interaction last night.
You even mentioned that your wife was interested in the fact that you mentioned you are working on you.
Small steps, keep doing what you're doing.
Here is where it gets interesting, a wayward spouse will think you're up to something, the 180's that you're working on & doing right now are different from what you normally do, it upsets the current order of things, your spouse can't help but notice a change (he didn't fight, he agreed that he was drinking too much, he agreed that he did pick things to get angry about her, he knew he was doing it, he acknowledged that and didn't defend himself, didn't know why he was doing those things but he knows he does them and he's working on doing something to fix that habit). You pretty much took whatever energy she had been preparing to use in a fight/argument with you and released it in a way that calmed down everyone.
You didn't have to fight with her. She didn't have to fight with you.
In the whole scheme of things, isn't that more preferable? And all you had to do is just agree with her and the way she looks at things, you agreed with her feelings, she's in love with her feelings, her feelings guide what she is doing right now, you've been against her feelings for a long time now, guess what happens when you agree with her feelings? She has nothing to fight against.
Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and you will stumble and fall occasionally but make it a habit of not defending yourself, the arguments stop before they even happen this way. People feel more comfortable around each other this way.
If people are really interested in fighting, they should invest in UFC pay per views, punching bags & gloves for home, etc.
You can not feel secure with a spouse that you always fight with, it's impossible. It should be you & your spouse against the world, not against each other.
