I can live with an alien who peeks out once a week or so but can the peeking go on for a year or more? I have read that they are 50-75% through when ILYBINILWY. then I am looking at about a year yet. With counseling that can shorten it and she goes once a week.
Not sure where you are getting your info from but these facts do not sound right.
Normally a crisis is marked from the start of BD. A very short one would last 1-2 years minimum. Some could last 12-15 years. Or anywhere in between. Never knew that counseling would shorten the time in the tunnel, the ones that I have heard including my own wife's it can make it worse. Now maybe if MWD is her counselor, you might be right. But thats not what I have seen.
Warrior..you are gonna be just fine. Just keep telling yourself that. You are a great person and this will all work out for you..even if it doesn't include your W. Tell yourself that you are the best thing that ever happened to her..and believe it, because you are.
It's hard to stay positive sometimes, isn't it? I find that too, myself. i know you have lots of friends and family that care about you..so call one of them and talk for awhile. I know my friends and family have just about had it with all my waffling back and forth. But they have stuck with me, even when I was panicking and crying daily. It's better now and I don't cry nearly so much..but the whole thing is still very sad. My H pretends like he's trying, but he isn't. He's waiting..for what..who knows..I don't even think he knows. To feel better, to love me again, to wait until I've had enough, til he finds someone else, til he gets a disease, til I become so skinny I blow away in the wind..who knows..and there's nothing I can do about it anyway. I know..I've tried everything. Even he admits that. He even told me once that it hurts him to see me trying so hard and makes him think he should just go so I don't have to do that anymore. Alien thinking. Then he said that since I've lost weight and look so good now, he thinks I'll be ok on my own now so he can go. He really just wants to go..but he feels guilty. And you know what..he should feel guilty. I had such big plans for the rest of our lives together And he blew it..he threw it all away.
I can say without a doubt, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him..so if you're reading this my dearest H, just know that you'll NEVER find anyone like me again..ever. How does that old saying go..you always hurt the ones you love..or something like that. and..Why is that?
i think the crisis starts way before the bomb is dropped if that is what BD means. I know my H started showing signs of the "wandering eye" several years ago. But he didn't start to act all weird and like a different person until he had the A with his co-worker. He emotionally detached from me then and hasn't been back since. He fakes it, but it's just pretend. He has admitted that he doesn't know what he wants. I believe the MLC was triggered with the death of his dad, then his sister, then his uncles all within a couple of years. And then a job he hates, and a co-worker that was like a guy friend he could have sex with too. Then he just spiraled out of control. Classic story about MLC. I wish I could help him, cuz it breaks my heart to see him struggle so, but I have FINALLY realized there's not one thing I can do..everyone has been telling me that for months now..but stupidly I thought I could save him.
It's hard to know how long any of these MLC people will be in it. Sometimes I even wonder if MLC is just an excuse to cheat on your spouse..and keep doing it because they're "Sick" or "can't help it". Ba-loney.
i think the crisis starts way before the bomb is dropped if that is what BD means.
Yes the whole crisis does start prior to BD(Bomb drop), however that is the start of replay. Measurements are usually taken from that point. It is really not a useful discussion to try to gage time when spouse is in replay. Just know that you have a longggggggg time to go. One of the things that the LBS MUST learn is to have NO EXPECTATIONS. By trying to gage how much time you have left, you are breaking one of the rules, You are having expectations. So when we beat you over the head about some of this stuff, it is because we are trying to teach you some of the tools the you need overcome this long process. Your primary tool is detachment. That must be learned in order to survive. Again we keep telling you to do this to try to give you the resources to walk down this path.
I can say without a doubt, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him..so if you're reading this my dearest H, just know that you'll NEVER find anyone like me again..ever.
What does it mean to YOU to be the best thing that ever happened to him?
What qualities do you admire in yourself?
This is an important question...
Then
There is a saying around here...
You can't talk your way out of soemthing you acted your way into.
Start living your changes.
Not for H.
For you.
Originally Posted By: Taylor
I wish I could help him, cuz it breaks my heart to see him struggle so, but I have FINALLY realized there's not one thing I can do
I am glad you get this. Now get to work on fixing you.
Originally Posted By: Taylor
Warrior..you are gonna be just fine. Just keep telling yourself that. You are a great person and this will all work out for you..even if it doesn't include your W. Tell yourself that you are the best thing that ever happened to her..and believe it, because you are.
Good advice Taylor...now
Let's see YOU live it too. OK?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Never seen the crisis starts at BD. Always say that it happened way before. That is when her traumatic event occurred. Doc says that when they file, they have been thinking/unhappy for almost 2 years. My wife never let me know she was unhappy. In fact, I was bending over backward for her. If the question is did I know she was overwhelmed with responsibilities? With work and new home new job position and increased stress? Absolutely. I was overwhelmed too. I recognized that and did my best to keep things sane. I also reminded her many times that we taken on a lot here so remember all the blessings we do have. The friends and neighbors were in awe on the all the accomplishments in such a short time. Taylor, is it not funny how one day I am telling you to hang in there and YOU will be happy finding YOU. Now you are telling me I will be alright. Yes I will. I am sick for my young kids. They don't deserve this. They are extremely precious to me and will help me forget about my pain by the joy they give me in my life. So Taylor, if you were tight with your H, and this is MLC, we both have to be extremely patient. 12-15 years? I think not. Get on with our lives for ourselves? You and I have no choice. We both want to fix it now or see some indication that the situation is improving. We know we can't fix this. MWD says be supportive and understanding etc. That makes a lot of sense. Then you are the lighthouse in the fog. I clearly see that with my wife. MWD also says this is not something that you did wrong, it is their journey. The childhood issues are unmistakable. The behavior is textbook. The depression is there. The confusion is there. The thrown out values and morals are there. I don't mean to hijack your thread and I feel bad about that so I will start my own. I also don't want to just post to you with Be the best Taylor, Find things you enjoy, etc.,etc. Then I am not being real to you. Those things are crucial and important and are going to get you through this but when you write stuff like this: "It's hard to know how long any of these MLC people will be in it. Sometimes I even wonder if MLC is just an excuse to cheat on your spouse..and keep doing it because they're "Sick" or "can't help it". Ba-loney." I can relate. You would not be human if this stuff did not cross your mind. I read your posts and I get a feel for what you write and it kind of resonates with me and I feel your pain. Tough to just ignore it isn't it? We are both getting an education here, just didn't know we would have to do a lab everyday.
ITay First I want to apologize if I have offended you in any way. That was and is never my intent.
Quote:
My H pretends like he's trying
Quote:
To feel better, to love me again, to wait until I've had enough, til he finds someone else
Quote:
he should feel guilty
ITay – these quotes say to me that you are still trying to “be” in your H’s head. You act like you really know what he is thinking. I have done this in the past and sometimes still do. What I want to tell you is that YOU do NOT know what is in HIS head. You really don’t. Stop thinking about what he is doing or thinking and start thinking and focusing on YOU. Right now, you need to move forward and “act as if” he may not be coming back. Okay…Okay…your probably going to say that you will not love him. You will dear. If everything that you have written about the old H is true, well then this love will survive. Loving him soooooo much….is IMO….giving him the time HE needs to figure his own sh*t out.
Quote:
I had such big plans for the rest of our lives together
So take the “our” out of the above quote and tell me what “such big plans” are for YOU. What really do you want to do in your life. What is YOUR “Bucket List”.
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And he blew it..he threw it all away.
Has he blown it all away or are YOU in your anger taking it away? Seriously, imagine if…just if….he woke up in a year…said sorry…realized what he had in you. How might you feel if you did not go that extra mile…if you did not have just a litttttllllllleee more patience. Think about it.
Quote:
if you're reading this my dearest H, just know that you'll NEVER find anyone like me again..ever.
Don’t tell him SHOW him. SHOW him what a compassionate, loving, understanding and FUN person YOU ARE. Words my friend will not help in MLC – ONLY ACTIONS. Just remember….and please keep thinking about this….YOUR ACTIONS ARE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. They are not for YOUR H. Why? Because if you do things, make changes, whatever for someone else…well that may not be WHO YOU REALLY ARE. You sound better – you do. If you are in MN, let me know on the alt. I used to have to go to Minneapolis for business and have a few friends that I may be able to reach out to.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Only when you are not scared, not lost, not confused, not f@cking up?
Or
To live the love you would want yourself.
At first I chuckled about this. They are scared, lost, confused etc. Then I realized I have a lot to learn. Thought I read a lot already. Taylor, you are at the right place. The people here all seeing the same show. Everyone gets their own personal twilight zone episode. At times you get to watch and eat popcorn, find the humor, find the sadness, and experience it in 3D with all of the special effects. We both love our spouses and I already see growth in you. This will be great for you and one day you will realize that this was a gift. I read that months ago and now it is starting to get clearer because I see it with you and others too. The price to participate still seems high (especially with kids)+(no guarantees)=Better YOU but the LBS's that come through and post successfully say it is something that they don't regret and actually treasure it. So we both move forward not backward right? We can't let this slip by our life. Too much at stake.
