I agree...DFM: I have been totally liberated after coming to the realization that I don't need proof. All my actions were being based on that assumption: if I don't have proof I have to just trust what he says. Everything else I've done pretty well in with all of this. On that fact, it took a lightbulb to say, "NO. That's not the point." I hope you come to that realization sooner than I did!
His actions/words are enough to point to the fact that he is not being a good H, that his behavior is worthy of review, and that you CAN call him on it, proof or no proof.
If your spouse is doing something to make you uncomfortable. The burden is on THEM to set you back at ease... That's their job when THEY dance near the line.
Your discomfort is your proof that he's missing the mark.
You tell him you aren't comfortable with his participation in the marriage.
At that point he has three choices :
a. Humour you. Promise to change while changing nothing - in short - be passive aggressive about the confrontation b. Pursue the behaviuor that causes you discomfort 100% and consequences be damned c. Act like an adult and curb the behaviour to a level your spouse is comfortable with again. Or curb it 100% if necessary.
Marriage isn't about forcing your spouse to suck up feelings that make them anxious. Marriage is working as a team.
I laughed my butt off the first time I saw it, but after watching it again I think he has some good points here.. particularly about not needing evidence. Your discussion here on evidence is what reminded me of Sky's video.
my h asked for a d. to him, we aren't married anymore and his business is no longer my business. he does not want to be married to me.
so by telling him to stop the behaviour for the sake of our marriage, he'd just laugh at me and tell me that it's over and that he no longer loves me.
he is the one who was adamant that d was the only solution.
that's why i asked, we're separated and he's just waiting for the year of separation to end so he can quickly file.
i don't need proof and i know who he'd choose. and it wouldn't be me. he wouldn't do anything for the sake of our marriage. he thinks our marriage was a mistake so he wouldn't do anything for it. he would rather throw gasoline on it because it's not burning fast enough.
so i have my answer.
allena, sunnyd - you have helped me finally detach.
