...A few years ago my business fell on hard times and went out of business. This caused my wife and I to go through some very difficult times, financial, etc. It was very difficult to lose something that I had built for so many years. For the past two years after my company closed I have not had a steady job.
My wife asked me to get one and I know I needed to get one but for some reason I just couldn’t get motivated to do so. I have done some odd jobs on the side but not a steady job that I know my wife wanted me to get. She has had her job for the past two years.
She gave me the “I love you for the years we were together but that she doesn’t have those feelings anymore”. She told me that a person doesn’t change, meaning she thought I wouldn’t change. She was referring to my lack of a job mostly. I was in shock.
Can’t understand why she is moving so fast? Feel like this means no hope to save the marriage on the coming months?
My wife told me that she was frustrated by my not getting a regular job in the past two years after my company went out of business. She told me I had two years and done nothing. I can completely understand this. I guess I wanted more support from her to help me as I was obviously having difficulty after my company went out of business.
Since my wife left me I have taken this opportunity to work on myself. I recently got a good job.
I believe my wife still has love in her heart for me, although I sometimes don’t know anymore. She just changed to her maiden name on FB today. Seems like she’s saying this is the start of a new year and she’s taking steps to be rid of me, even in name.
Do most WAW go this fast to and take these steps in such a short amount of time? Does this mean there is no hope for reconciliation?
I don’t understand how they love you for so long and one day they leave you and don’t want to work on the marriage, not even talk about it?
Do I set boundaries now and say that I’m not ready to discuss dividing our things?
Any advice is appreciated.
So basically you had a business/company, the business failed, hurt you both financially quite a bit, affected your security, more specifically and importantly, her security.
You sit on your duff and don't get a job for 2 years while she works for 2 years at a full time job. So even though your business failed and it hurt you both financially and affected your security, your answer was to sit down and mope about it while you're wife had to pick up the pieces and continue to work. And you did this for... 2 years.
You keep saying she made this decision so quickly but I'm guessing it took her @ 2 years to form this decision. Is it possible she ever had thoughts of having children or adopting a child? Is it possible those dreams were squashed by your lack of ambition? Even without kids, your lack of ambition to get a job and get back on your feet killed her. When the going got tough, you folded, you got knocked down and didn't pick yourself up for 2 years.
You mention depression, I know about depression and however it may make you feel, it's not a crutch and using it as an excuse or explanation is weak. If you used this a few times on her it gave her the impression that you were weak.
You basically killed the attraction between the two of you, lack of ambition, no drive, no leadership, depression, no happiness, no security and you did this for 2 years, it wasn't over night, don't kid yourself, it took a few years for this to happen.
Her changing back to her maiden name and setting up a new email account with the name change and changing FB with the name change suggests to me in part, preparing for another man. She may not have another man yet but she's getting prepared for the single life, for someone who is more masculine, secure and ambitious, someone who is more alive, someone who can make decisions, get the job done, etc.
She went to individual counselling before you knew about it to get some help dealing with her life, the problems she's faced alone since you were just moping for a couple of years. She probably felt very depressed, alone, tired, weak, scared and those things really affect women and you know though, she didn't just lay down & die for 2 years, she still plugged along, got a job, took care of the bills and you even though she was going through her own problems.
She doesn't sound like she was disrespectful so I'm not sure how you need to handle the boundaries issue.
She keeps asking you to do things and you keep telling her NO I don't want to.
Signing the agreement to use your commission to pay for the mortgage shortage isn't going to save your marriage.
But sign the F!@#$KING agreement.
For once in your life, show her you're a man of your word. Prove it, you haven't proven anything for so long, she has no faith in your ability, your word to do anything you say you're going to do.
What's the commission on your home, $5K, $10K, $20K and if you're going to use it to pay for any amount still owing on your mortgage it would appear that you are not losing out on anything because someone would have to pay for that shortage, probably you. Who was taking care of the bills when you were in your 2 year slump? Since she's working, I'm assuming she was. She didn't have to sign an agreement, she just did what needed to be done because it HAD TO BE DONE.
Arguing over this is dumb.
Call her.
"Wife I will sign the agreement, bring it over anytime, the sooner the better so that my stupidity doesn't change my mind again on this, I definitely don't want to argue about this anymore. I know doing this won't bring you back to me and that's not the intention, my intention is just to show you that I will do what I said I would do, plain & simple, I am a man of my word and I'll sign a piece of paper to prove it to expedite the process of selling the home and taking care of what's owed on the mortgage. I also promise not to discuss the relationship with you anymore, you're free to do as you please and I won't stop you or stall/slow down the divorce process at all anymore, no more kids games. We're both adults, it's time I started acting like one. If you ever want to talk, call me, I'll be there and NO I don't have to sign an agreement on that one. You know I love you and wish you the best and want only good things for you regardless of what happens between us. As for the counseling, I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do and I don't want you to be uncomfortable doing this either, do what you feel you need to do, I'll be OK regardless."
And that's it.
Enough of this nonsense, that's why she's so bored of you, you're addicted to the drama more than she is!
