21 years of marriage hanging by a thread

[Chuck66]

I think she is back to being stable. She has stopped popping headache meds. She still has one or two beers a night. Her compulsive behavior of 40 shopping trips to buy clothes in June have dropped to zero in July. And she has re-connected with her kids. Plays only 30 minutes with them in the evenings but doesn't shun or ignore them anymore.

Ok maybe not weeks on end...I am just preparing my conversation with her.

[bluestar]

Chuck, what makes you think she is stable? She is refusing counseling, has legal problems brewing at work and is pursuing a divorce with you. What about that says stability?

Do not let your guard down. This so called reconnecting behavior is still too new to put much stock in. If she is looking for a place to live, why would you go somewhere else? If she wants out, let her go but you stay in the house and keep the kids with you. Unless and until, she gets into IC.

[Chuck66]

I mean she will not harm the kids. She is going to MC tomorrow but he may not see us since we were both supposed to do 2x IC first. I did. She didn't. I will not leave. It was just a thought. Thanks Blue, will keep my guard up.

[Kimmie Lee]

Chuck, I wouldn't trust anything right now.

She has already done lots of things that you never thought she would. And you see what she is capable of.

[Chuck66]

She only spends 10 minutes driving them to summer school in the mornings and one hour in the evenings since she gets home at 7 and their bedtime is 8. I am not going anywhere.

My friends think that she doesn't want to go anywhere but she is the forever pessimist and is in a depression. Me being controlling and her being unaffectionate are the main items on her plate why she doesn't see us together. The porn she said was just a smaller item. That tells me there is a list in her head. She did tell me that us having trust issues was an understatement. I almost said, yeah I trusted you to keep your hands off men at your work since she hugged a co-worker in front of his girlfriend (then they fought all night about it) but I didn't say anything.

How she can justify leaving without ever telling me the problems she has listed IDK. But thanks for your advice.

[Kimmie Lee]

The thing is, even if she told you, and you "fixed" the so-called "problems" or "issues," it wouldn't help.

Why? Because the "reasons" are bogus. WAS leaves because they want to, just because they're bored, and any number of other ridiculous reasons.

They don't understand, nor do they care, about "commitment." They don't have it in them.

Very shallow.

[MrBond]

Learn to really listen to your W.

While most of the reasons might seem "bogus" to you, there may be nuggets of truth in them. Let's put it this way ... I'm sure your W was no angel herself and you found fault in some of the things she did. Maybe some of those faults made you think "WTH did I marry this person?" Well she had those same thoughts and the only difference is that she decided to do something about them.

Learning to listen and understand is the key to all of this.

Now if she's just spewing venom, then you're going to have to let that slide off of you and see that as just a crazy person talking. But when she really opens up to you, pay attention.

[Chuck66]

Went to MC today. C looks at me and says do you want to be in this R and if so on a scale of 1-10 how willing are you to make changes in yourself. I said yes, 10. He asked her the same thing and she said "I don't know if I want to be in this R. She said he is controlling and has been for 20 years and I don't see that ever changing. And even if we see temporary changes he would have an ulterior motive and not a good one either." Counselor says nice seeing you both but I only help those couples who both want to work together. He suggested IC and she said only if it happens soon... I am still scheduled for IC every week until Oct.

MrBond,
Other than being controlling and porn she has not given me anything else. She has said my actions over the past 4 weeks are much worse than anything in the 20 yrs. I find that hard to believe since I had an A in 1994. She means me going to her work asking about the rumors or her and the bar manager. She thinks I am on a smear campaign against her.

She also said I am in total control of the money and left her an allowance/stipend. I have heard that several times now and would like to take the money back out of my individual account and put it back into our joint account. It is 10% of all our money and I am still protecting myself and the kids (my at work fund is the bulk of our assets) but would take her ammunition away on that point.

If/When she tells me the other reasons she is so resentful/hurt I will definitely listen.

[Kimmie Lee]

I see by your sig line that she gave you the old, "it's not you, it's me" b.s. and now she is saying that it IS you?

Ahem....

[Chuck66]

For the longest time it was just the kids she was shunning. So it was, "It's not you, it's the kids" that she couldnt deal with. Once I started digging for an OM it changed to "It's not you its me."

I have these two definitions bookmarked. You will like them both.

You'll have to cut and paste the first one.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=it's+not+you,+it's+me



http://www.helium.com/items/820992-its-not-you-its-me-common-excuses-for-breaking-up