Characters: father, 15-year-old half-brother, [former step]sister, [former step]brother, grandmother, grandmother's boyfriend, lunatic uncle, father's best friend and best friend's wife, 67-year-old family friend (who was a first-time attendee), Boxer dog, and me
Menu: Grilled/smoked meats and poultry (12 chicken quarters, 20 slabs of ribs, 10 pounds of Kielbasa, 5 pounds of what looked like a hunk of bologna), various side dishes (baked beans, cheese potatoes, deviled eggs, etc.), homemade chocolate ice cream, coconut cake, and assorted beverages
Scene: longest night of my life
Excitement, low points, and mortifying moments:
*upon my arrival, father told me that there was a 10-pound bag of potatoes that he had purchased for me, waiting in the kitchen; he "remembered" how I like cheese potatoes. Translation: Get in the kitchen and make cheese potatoes, dammit. *sister texted to ask if I had already arrived; she didn't know if she should drive around and kill time for a little bit longer *grandmother and boyfriend arrived [Note to reader: boyfriend only one in attendance who doesn't know of my marital "situation" for obvious reasons]; boyfriend roared, "Where's your better half?" My response: "At piano practice. The big recital is coming up." [Note to reader: H is not musical. H has never played an instrument, and he certainly has never played the piano. H has never expressed an interest in learning to play the piano. I have never suggested to H that he learn to play the piano. I don't know why I said this. Half-brother choked on chip and dip. Sister got up and left the room. Boyfriend told me mind-numbing story about the time he purchased an electric organ.] *lunatic uncle arrived, trying to create a stir by playing his SUV radio loudly in driveway. No stir resulted. Further tried to engage other attendees by saying, "This song is AWWWWWWWWsuuum, man." Still no stir. *father's best friend and best friend's wife arrive; after greeting father at his post at one of the three grills/smokers he had going, they enter the house to deliver their edible contribution and prepare their brown-liquor drinks. Upon seeing father's best friend, boyfriend shouts, "What's wrong with your head? There's a lot more forehead there, and it's shiny. Have you lost MORE hair? It sure looks like it! Your hairline is WAY back there now." Half-brother kicked me as sister told me to close my gaping mouth. *half-brother began to speculate as to what kind of $50,000 car father will purchase for him for his 16th birthday next month (half-brother has forgotten that father will only spend premium bucks on red meat, brown liquor, illegally manufactured moonshine, or lawyers). Lunatic uncle's contribution: "Hell, don't worry about getting no new car yet. Here's the best advice I can give you--as SOON as you turn 18, what you need to do is buy yourself a brand-new truck and about 4 or 5 handguns. Then you'll be set." Lunatic uncle then looked at me, we made eye contact, and he said, "What???? That's d@mn good advice." *during consumption of meal, lunatic uncle took a break from gnawing on rib bones to tell me this: "Me and my buddy have still been doing some repo work. We take that tow truck all OVER the place. [Insert long, tedious story here.] My buddy's still got his eye on you, Boo. We tried to call you when we was out towing one night. And you know, he may just beat that illegal manufacture and distribution of steroids thing. They SURE can't touch him for using, though." *moments after meal was completed, boyfriend started pacing and using a broken-record manner of speaking to say, "You ready, [grandmother]? You about ready to go? You ready? We leaving? You ready to go?" Grandmother rolled her eyes and told him he would have to wait until the ice cream maker had finished. She screeched that she needed some ICE CREAM. [Note to reader: ice cream maker had been done for an hour. Grandmother knew this.] *father berated guests for not eating enough; called his best friend a [edited for content] for not eating more food; father also looked at me, looked me up and down, and shouted, "CHEESEBURGER!" *half-brother, sister, brother, and I skipped and frolicked in yard with sparklers; father rested on patio while loudly describing ways the "fat cats" in our town irritate and displease him
Labor Day will be here before I know it. Labor Day = another family cookout.
