She is messed-up. It doesn't matter what she thinks. I really don't care what OTHER people think about me, especially if they are CRAZY!
All that matters is what I think of myself, and I AM a good person.
You have a job. You are earning a degree. Those are very important and commendable milestones. You must have some things going for you.
Do you like your job? Do you have good prospects for a promotion after you get your degree or will you have to move to a new company at that time? Focus on what your next career move will be.
Focus on who YOU are and what YOU want. YOU are not defined by HER!
True, I don't want it. i want to feel like me again. but i dont even know who i am anymore. I was a family man that love my ex and my daughter and wanted good things for them. I planned my future based on our lifes together. I dont know if they even knew that. I lived for my family not for myself, so after 9 years i do not have any identity of my own so to speak of. And, the sad thing is I dont know how to find it. I am a golf pro, college teacher and grad student. But as far as fun and a life and a future-I have no plans, i cant even imagine what i want to do. I want a soul mate but i know that is not coming anytime soon.
When you had a ex that built you up your whole time together and begged you not to leave her, told me how God made us for each other, how we looked alike, had cancer at the same time, was the oldest of two brothers, how much that we were like that we suppose to share our lifes togeather and then she leaves for someone else. I had started to believe all that. I never even looked at another women. i was committed. I dont even know how to date. Plus, i look like a skeleton since I havent been eating. i have been trying but i just cant. And she says she didn't mean to hurt anyone. it sucks.
Can you drink milk shakes? What type of food did you like in the past? What are your favorites? What about ice cream cones? Just eat something. Anything! Just force it down. You don't have to want to eat it. What about those supplement shakes like my dad was on when he had cancer? Not just ice cream, but a lot of other things that are good for you too.
I lived for my family too. I went to work and I came home. The last few years, that was about it. Maybe that was part of the problem, but my work got crazy stressful.
I used to play some golf and I am still doing that a little. I used to fish and hunt, but my buddy moved to Atlanta and my dog is too old to hunt. Plus, I am getting older too. I would rather have stayed in bed with my W than sitting in a freezing duck blind. So that is what I did.
I never really looked at other women either, while my W's brother would come to our house and talk about porn, say look at that hot chick on TV, she has great boobs, talk about going to strip bars and all kinds of other stuff in front of both of our W's. It made me sick. I never talked like that.
There have to be lots of HOT girls on campus, but they are probably all too young anyway? Not sure how old you are, but just looking can be fun too. Now I always look to see if a woman has a wedding ring on! Never noticed or cared before, but things change. Any hot professors?
I understand how hard this is. I was with my W for 23yrs. Since I was 20yrs old and in college. I never even had another serious relationship. This is it for me.
Some of the ladies at work are telling me that I need to go out and sew my wild oats, just make sure you protect yourself.
C'mon dude, you are obviously a smart guy, with a great career. You will be dedicated to a new W. Who wouldn't want that? Plus, since you have learned so much about yourself, you can make it a better relationship. Maybe even find someone who is MORE compatible with you. That is what I am hoping for for myself. It will happen, just not overnight.
Drop the rope, grab a beer and a cigar and start to enjoy life again. Hang out at the golf course a bit. Do you like giving lessons? Maybe set up a few if you haven't done it in a while. You are a GOLF PRO! How many people can say that? I suck, but I still play. Maybe you can give me a lesson!
Time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with your life, which is just that. YOUR LIFE! Find a way to make it FUN again.
Are you off for the summer? Anywhere you've always wanted to go? Have a brother or sister to do something with? Are there any interim summer classes you can teach? Would that help?
This does suck, but only if you let it. Time to move on.
I am 41, thanks for the words of encourgement. i haven't been giving any lessons lately because of my mind set. i have been playing, not because i want to but because it takes my mind off of it somewhat. She was not finacially good for me or really good for me at all. She was mentally ill. And I am not just saying that she was bipolar. Well, i should be happy that she is gone. But I am not. i enjoyed being around her most of the time. She would not work, clean, cook or do anything but set and smoke and talk on the phone. Noone that knows her thinks that i am losing anything, just me. So, it should be easy. It is just talking a toll on me. I do drink those ensure with high calories in them to help me but that is just about all I can force down. sorry to be such a cry baby. I am so tired of people asking me why i am losing so much weight and what is my problem, why am I so unhappy. If I tell them they usually say good you needed to get rid of her. She totalled 5 of my cars when i was married to her because of drugs. I have to pull myself out of this mess. Just when am i going to do it. she totally used me at the end. Acted like she wanted to work it out and had me buy her clothes when I dont think she ever planned on coming back, she was using me incase the om didn't work out, that she had a place to go. I just can't believe that she was that kind of a person. But she was.
Same here. WAS lost a bunch of weight and I bought her a new wardrobe while we were "working on it" while she was having an EA and she "just didn't have those feelings for me". I don't believe that she ever worked on it.
Listen to your friends. They are probably right. If you had to do EVERYTHING already, then you don't have much to learn! Realize that she used you. Realize what a mess she is and how really bad for you she was.
Man, you sound like a really good catch. A college professor (Great job by the way, I bet the benefits are GREAT!), earning an advanced degree, who cooks, cleans, golfs and does just about everything. What kind of woman wouldn't want a man like that! You can easily find someone who is willing to at least help you with the chores and will probably do A LOT of work around the house. How good would that be?
You will enjoy being around your next woman too. Women ARE fun to hang out with. Most of them anyway. There are lots of them out there. Another thing to think about - who is your competition for these women? I hear lots of women say that there aren't many good guys out there. You will be one of the few. You are at the top of your game. Who can compete with you? Not many I bet.
Get on match.com, chemistry.com or something like that. Just find a free site for now. You don't even have to date. Just take a look at what is out there. They will send you pics of your matches in your area. I think you may be delighted with what you find. I'm not even D yet, but I've signed up just to look myself. It will improve your outlook.
Look, I am not a lady killer by any means and I am nervous about having to start over myself. I was always scared of women when I was young. But, I got out there and just started talking to people. It's not that hard and it is FUN too. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game. Rub some dirt on it for Gods sake!
You are still young and probably good looking on top of it! Stop acting like you are dead and please change your post title Think I am FREE now, or Think I am ALIVE now. Or something else positive. It all starts in YOUR head. PMA Baby!
Thank you, you have lifted my spirts up somewhat. Sorry to be such a baby, I just break down every morning when I get up and can't seem to get my head on until latter in the day.
Par, have you thought that maybe it's time for a real change?
My life has been a series of chapters with definate beginnings and ends and there have been a few horrible endings. But ultimately, where I found my strength is by rediscovering myself and breaking out on a new journey.
After college, I had a huge breakup with a fiancee and lost a close friend to a long term illness. I sold everything I had and saved up for a few months...then I bought a backpack and traveled for nearly a year. I regained my faith in people and in myself. I too survived cancer as well and I see it as the gift of appreciation for life.
When my XW left me, it was the last in a series of trageties. I forced myself to get into shape, reconnect with friends, go surfing, mountaineering.... I just went through the motions and watched myself doing it, without feeling it. Then it happened, women started taking interest. What I was doing became part of who I really am.
I have nothing but pity and best wishes for my XW. Her life is hell, so now I'm the lucky one.
That's where you will be, just be patient.
No worries!
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
Are you or could you get on antidepressants? I am taking paroxetine and had chlorazepate for anxiety attacks. They helped a lot. I was very distraught about losing my family and that didn't help my sitch at all. Go see your dr for a small dose of these for a short time like a few months to help u get thru this.
I thought about leaving her several times I just couldn't do it. I thought about how it would be having someone that wanted to help me and could support me instead of selling my clothes for drug money. It is nuts that I am hurting so bad over her. Her own family will not help her anymore so they say. It shouldn't hurt me this bad to get rejected. She said I treated her bad. How, I don't know. I wanted her to get a life, work, and try. Instead she just stayed depressed. Well, maybe she got one now. I keep screwing things up. I contacted her by email last night but she didn't respond and probably won't. I told her OM that I had had sex with her last week and that made her mad. She said I was trying to hurt her and screwed up her life. She said she would never get back with me. Well, that is not what I want anymore. I want to be over it, I want to be rid of the pain, find someone new that loves me and cares about me. But, I have never found that when I was looking, it always happens when I am not looking. Girls come to me. When I go to them, it just doesn't work out to well. Never has. I wasn't happy in the R all the time. I thought she was lazy. I thought she was depressed and had some mental issues. I never thought she lied to me but she did. I never questioned her love for me but she didn't. Her mom told me she was a master manipulator and I never saw it. I really thought she cared. That is what the shock is about. Sometimes you stay with someone simply because you know that it is hard to find someone that loves you and cares for you. I was happy when she was gone to her moms as long as I knew she was coming back she could stay as long as she wanted. Now that I know she is gone-I am dying inside. It is crazy the emotional roller coaster that I am putting myself on. And why? I ask myself all the time. She didn't even come to my graduation.
