I hear you, Puppy. That is the person I am in my dealing with everyone and I have a hard time not being that way with her. Even in dealing with my son's death, I have tried very hard to take that attitude that I should embrace and celebrate the years we had him, instead of focusing on the fact he is gone. It is a coping mechanism for me, but apparently not a good one.
Doesn't matter now, because there will be NO R talk until she broaches the subject after the A is over. Settling in for the long haul. Hell-bent seems right, but she wants nothing to do with any legal process being put in place. She doesn't want me to see attorney this week, or any time in the future. Confuses the hell out of me that she is so sure she is doing the right thing, but doesn't want a D. Also stated that she was leaving me as beneficiary of her Life Ins. policy and planned to keep it that way until she remarries, which she doubts will ever happen. Nice gesture, but why?
Last edited by lookin4support; 07/17/1008:15 PM.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
btw, it is VERY typical to talk a tough game, and yet not pursue D -- just S. A wayward usually wants to keep the betrayed spouse as Plan B, rather than dispose of you altogether, in case things don't work out with the affair partner.
Nothing really new here. I did let her know that I had told her oldest brother who had passed the info along to her other older brother. She thinks I am screwing with her life because I am mad, but that is not the case. I had seen the older brother a couple of times in the past couple of weeks and basically felt like I had lied to him. I came clean with him and asked him to pray for her and our marriage. Went to see attorney today and now have to decide when (if?) I want to proceed with D process.
We have already divided up expenses and are only communicating about finances, our son, and the dogs. It is still tough on my end, but the boundaries I have set are making it somewhat easier. Regarding my thread title, I think we can forget about the possibility of a sprint. Obviously not my preference, but I am now beginning what I think is going to be a very long process.
Went to my first small group meeting last night and am doing a much better job of GAL. My goal is to stay busy and do some of the things I have always wanted to do, but didn't because it didn't fit into our schedule.
Thanks for all of your help and I will check in again soon.
L4S
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
I'm sorry this is proving such a difficult path for you. Sometimes God has plans to shape us in ways that a sprint doesn't induce, as painful as they may be. Other times it's simply some combination of each of our free choices that we make along the way.
Remember, when in doubt, say to your wife in the instances eithe "I decided I was no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair," or, "I decided he should know the truth." Also good is "Everything I have done, I have done to try to fight for our marriage and our family."
Those are all hard to argue with.
I'm glad you saw an atty today. As the Word tells us, "There is wisdom in many counselors."
As I have read with a lot of others on the site, the hardest part of NC is not having any idea what is going on in her head or her life. After 25 years of always knowing what is going on in her life and knowing (I thought) what she was thinking, quitting cold turkey is tough.
Other question I have is this. The attorney I spoke with told me that if I wanted, he could have a D in court and finalized with 4-6 weeks if I wanted. My temptation is to email her and let her know that and tell her that if that is what she wants I will proceed. Two problems with that: 1) With the boundaries I have set, I am currently in some level of control and asking what she wants gives that back to her, and 2) I don't think I am ready to make that move yet, even if she is.
Thoughts?
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Then you've answered your own question: if you're not ready, you're not ready.
It's a card to play if you need it. If there's a way, you could dangle that out there for her to know, as she may be shocked to hear it can be that quick. But you'd have to do it by leaving some printed material lying around or something, otherwise it's going to look like pursuit.
We don't cross paths at all except at the exchange of the dogs on Sunday a.m. and Tuesday p.m., so the only way I could do it would be in a pursuing way.
One thing I didn't mention from the day we divided up finances. When she was ready to leave she asked if I wanted to hear about something that was going on at her work with someone who I consider a friend. I could hear the excitement in her voice as she wanted to tell me, but as hard as it was, I told her I didn't want to talk to her about what was going on in her life or work.
Then Tuesday when she dropped off the dogs she asked if there was anything going on with me that I wanted to tell her. Again, I said no, even though I have a bunch of things I want to tell her about. I have gotten my class schedule for my new teaching job (moving from HS to Community College), I have finally been told I can keep my coaching job at my old school, and I was chief negotiator for the union at my previous job and we settled a hard fought contract on Monday night. All of those are things that I am dieing to talk to her about, but I know all that will do is allow her to keep cake-eating.
Good news is I did a 12-mile bike ride on Sunday morning before church and then did about 22 miles this morning. I am going to make it a priority to ride every day. Activity like that at the start of the day seems to make the rest of the day more productive and enjoyable.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Thanks for input Dudess. We have done a lot of that, but I did text her a question about what else she wants or feels entitled to. No response in just about two hours. If I don't get any by tomorrow I am letting her know that it is info I need for my atty.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Just called to see why I wanted that info. I told I needed it for info I was preparing for my atty because I was doing the background work that needed to be done so when I was ready to begin the process I had everything in order. Told her honestly that I don't know when that will be, but that I wanted to be prepared when the day came. She said she didn't think a text would be sufficient and that she might want to come and look at stuff. I told her that was fine, just to let me know when.
Beginning to think that their really is no hope for M. If not, I would just as soon begin the healing process sooner rather than later and move into the next chapter of my life. No reason to keep a wound open and continually poke it with a stick.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
