Nothing fits

[mishka422]

Thanks OT!

Things are ok. Maintaining. Not sure what I'm doing yet, but just letting it ride for the meantime and staying watchful.

He still won't go for counseling. I only mentioned it to him Sunday because he was crying pretty hard and very sad and kept telling me that he doesn't understand why he feels this way. He's messed up and can't let go of the past. I asked if he would consider counseling and he said he didn't see himself doing that. He can't talk to anyone about this and just wants this to all end. Honestly, I don't see myself handling this for much longer. He got better the next day and told me that he is working some things through in his head and making a conscious effort to let go of some things he is hold on to. That is good for him, doesn't answer anything for me though and it's going to have to be addressed soon.

We went to pick up some ice cream Monday night and he launched into wanting to move back to CA but he doesn't want to leave Marc. He asked me what I would feel if he moved. I held it close to my chest because I don't think it would be right for my feelings to influence him in what he does for himself. I told him that I love having him with me and I think we are building a good R but he needs to do what feels right to him. He poo pooed that one and said that whenever he makes a decision that he thinks will be good for him it always hurts someone else. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, danged if you do, danged if you don't stuff. Blech. I just kept validating what he was saying without offering any unwanted advice. I just let him talk.

Again....I have no answers and I'm getting plenty tired of it. There is no good way to get those answers without it seeming like I'm trying to back him into a corner. If he wants to be with me and make a go of it then he needs to decide that for himself without my influence.

[dday101798]

He can't talk to anyone about this and just wants this to all end.

This is what is called "sweeping it under the rug"

Honestly, I don't see myself handling this for much longer.

Because you are standing in clean room, with all the dirt under the rug.

[MichelleLT]

He can, but he won't because he feels like it's too hard. His coping mechanisms can't handle what he's going through.

You don't have to handle it. He's an adult. Tell him that you feel pressured to help him by his emotional upheavals, but that you can't fix it for him. That since you find it stressful, he either needs to start counseling or find another way to start dealing with it or he'll have to move out because it's not healthy for you.

I know I need my space when Roger is having a bad day and super grumpy. After a while it starts to wear on me and I find it contagious LOL. He usually wants to be alone though, so he'll go play on his computer and I'll stay in one of the other rooms til he decides he's ready to emerge again.

[oldtimer]

"Gabe, when we can't talk to anyone about our problems, it's because we can't really honestly face ourselves. You are not going to be happy until you face yourself, find compassion and forgiveness for yourself, and then move forward. I can't make that happen, nothing anyone else does can make that happen, but a therapist is a safe person who won't judge you and can help you get there."

[mishka422]

WOW OT! That is such a wonderful way of putting it. I've said something similar to that, but that is so much better. When he spirals down again I'm using it...WORD FOR WORD. Printing it out to keep in my pocket for just the right time to use it. I swear, the words don't come to me in the right way when I really need them. Written notes are necessary.

[Kalni]

Clever Dr Schnarch says diffrentiation is key to good relationships. Vital and a must. He describes it as the ability to stay balanced and not be influenced when your "spouse" is loosing his/her balance and stay unaffected by his/her actions.

It may sound weird but he explains it well with the hugging example. When we lean to each other for strength and stability, and our spouse "wobbles" then we wobble too, we loose our balance too, while when we stand on our own two feet and "hug" but dont lean, and even stand back when he wobbles to regain our balance we can actually help him find his balance too. If not, both partners collapse sooner or later. Excuse my English, hope it makes sense.

It seems Gabe has hit a point in his life that he is forced to either grow up or run and hide. He either takes the step forward or avoids it till next wave comes and hits him again (and it could be anything, work, Rs etc etc). At this point, you hold on to yourself, dont expect him to validate/reassure/support you. He cant. But please dont let him tear you down either, you've made some brave decisions in the past that brought where you are, do not sell yourself out now sweets. Do both of you a favor and hold on to yourself.
xxx
K

[oldtimer]

There is always email...

[JCJ]

Hey Mish, I haven't been around for a while. How are you? x

[mishka422]

I'm ok Julia, thanks for checking in.

There really isn't much to say. We continue to have a R without really having a R. Does that make any sense? We don't talk about anything of importance. What are we doing? Where do we want this to go? Is this just for fun and giggles? Etc.

I don't ask, that is my problem. In the past, when I have asked a question of him regarding us he gets angry and upset, thinks I'm trying to accuse him of something or that I'm being overly emotional and then takes off or goes to the couch to sleep. Those are his issues. I'm tired of being the only one who wants to know what this is that we are doing but I'm also tired of being scared of his reaction. Like I keep telling myself, what's the worst that he can do? Leave? Like that matters! Been there, done that.......SEVERAL TIMES!

The other day he was talking to someone on the phone asking a question about the computer and he told him to talk to 'his wife' about it. That sounded wonderful and horrible all at the same time. Of course, it's a reflex action. I'm not delusional (most of the time!) but it made me wonder again what the heck he thinks of me as. Why he is there. Is this just cake eating from him until the next big adventure comes along? I need answers but I don't know how to get them without making a mess of things. I'm really not capable of voicing my feelings so that he hears them. Maybe that's not right. It's more like he's not capable of hearing them without thinking I'm blaming or criticizing, or trying to back him into a corner even when I'm making sure to only use I statements and no absolutes.

What to do, what to do.....

[MichelleLT]

"We don't talk about anything of importance" means that you are choosing not to bring up things that you feel are important.

Why? Because you feel too demanding? Because you are afraid of what he'll say? Or because you don't have time? You don't feel close enough to talk about them?

The only way that will change, that you have any control over, is if you start talking about those things you feel are important.

People stay together because they want to be. He is there because he wants to be. And you are letting him stay because, despite your doubts and insecurities, you want him there.

If you don't, then ask him to leave.

If he wants to leave, that's also fine. You've been there, done that "SEVERAL TIMES!"

If you truly believe the things you are wanting are too soon, or unreasonable, or a product of your insecurities then talk to you C instead of him.

But if it really is something you want to do in order to try and move the R forward, to make it more fulfilling, then just do it!

Quit worrying so much about how he's going to react. If you want to talk to him, pick a quiet time and place, use the communication skills you've been working on, and talk.

OT and others always have great phrasing suggestions, but you can come up with similar things on your own. You have the skills. You know what you need to know, time to practice it. Plan out what you want to say and trust yourself to say it well!