Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
Let's all talk about anti-climactic and pointless.
So I start by trying to get the banking stuff I started finished. She has no current paystub. She'll get Fridays and leave it at the house. She won't sign the Line of Credit papers without seeing my May statements. So I'll leave them tomorrow.
She agreed to the changing of the Sunday Calla swap to Friday and I'm good for vacation.
She asked inane questions (could my girlfriends and I buy the house) and told pointless sories about her cousin dumping her in the lake in "Vacation town"
20 questions and "advice" about taking Call on vacation. Watch her in the water, bugscreen, etc. If anything happens to her I want to know.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the exposure; the affair; nothing. All about the Sep Agreement and protecting her #ss. Selfish to the n'th degree. Me, me, me.
So,I said "it seems we have accomplished nothing other than a detail on childcare. So I'll leave you with this"
I will not live in an open marriage. It is completely disrespectful to me and my values. What you are doing to this family is selfish and irresponsible. Though I fully accept my half of the responsibilty of our M last fall, your affair and your half- as well as the divorce- you own. I will not hide your lies or the affair. I'll have a mediator I selected contact for an appointment as early in August as possible to get our Sep Agreement finalized. If you want a divorce, I deserve better and am moving on"
I have to be somewhere so I'm leaving. See ya."
So as I'm leaving, she says "That's it. Just going to walk away?"
I said "There is nothing left to discuss, is there? You've made the decision for all of us."
She was unbelievable. Almost proud; Couldn't have cared less.
When I could see the complete lack of remorse, I admit my confidence was on the floor. I said my statement with no emotion at all. I held my posture but barely.
What a complete waste of my time and effort these last three months to understand our situation and the last 6.5 years of my life. To end like this. To be treated like this.
If you had told me on our weeding day that we'd be divorcing before 4 years I'd have said "How's the crack?"
I have no idea how to feel. I'm numb again. Uninspired and feeling degraded.
Well, it does sound anti-climatic but doesn't mean it was for nothing!
Rest assured, there will be another conversation and another chance to hold your head high and make your proclamation again. Just because W acted proud and assured doesn't mean she IS proud and assured.
I've told the story of my 1st H on several threads. He was not only proud, but defiantly sure of himself. I went through a very similar conversation with him and weeks later, I got a letter from him about how I was the strong one...not him... that I was right, about everything.
Anyway, if you've read my history about that, you know he ended up begging ME back eventually and I said no. We were even divorced and he was living with OW and still was calling me and showing up at my office, wanting a 2nd chance...
Never underestimate the power of your words, but more importantly, your actions. Continue to GAL and be strong...
I know it's hard with your D. I went through something very difficult today too, so I understand. (Told S16 about his dad's indiscretions...)
You'll be OK. And DON'T let her tell you how to parent! You're the responsible one here, you don't need her telling you to watch your D in the water or anything else, esp. while SHE is threatening D's future with her current actions.
I just expected "something". It was like I was reading the paper to her. Nothing.
And then the cheap shot about walking away. How little respect can you have for a person. Granted, I slowly let her take it/gave it away over the last two year years.
Maybe some more exposure will make me feel better.
Cause I'm sure the whole truth isn't out. I think that THEY think they've covered their butts with the partial admissions at work likely along the lines of "we've separated and found we like each other" ( The crap OM said to his W)No admission that the hotel bills go back to April....so far.
Women are usually harder to crack than men, because -- typically -- a woman will have emotionally checked out months, even more than a year or two ago by the time they cheat. They more often than not plan this stuff for month's on end, and by the time you get the bomb drop, they are DONE.
This goes directly to your finding out how much longer this had been going on than previously thought, CD. She's in DEEP. You're not going to break this thing -- if you are to break it -- with one glorious speech.
Maybe some more exposure will make me feel better.
Cause I'm sure the whole truth isn't out. I think that THEY think they've covered their butts with the partial admissions at work likely along the lines of "we've separated and found we like each other" ( The crap OM said to his W)No admission that the hotel bills go back to April....so far.
