Hey, I have been following you since you came on the board 4 or 5 weeks ago. Let me just say first that your self control and poise are amazing. You have done so well compared to so many others who discover that their spouse is cheating on them and fall apart and do all the wrong things. You were lucky enough to have found this wonderful place as events unfolded in your life. You are even more blessed to have the advice of puppy and allen in your corner.
Some find this place only after the damage has been done from mishandling the awful situation we all find ourselves in. I fall into that category and my road is much longer and harder for it. Still others find this place in the eleventh hour and puppy will give them the advice they so desperately need to follow, their emotions get the best of them and then they still make their situations exponentially worse. (Puppy will confirm this).
You on the other hand fall into that category that found this place at the right time, got the right advice, listened, mastered your emotions and have IMO done everything almost perfectly. You are a hero!!! You should feel proud for what you have accomplished thus far.
I am sure you will handle the conversation with your W today perfectly.
I read your last post and you are starting to ask yourself those hard questions we all ask ourselves?
You are contemplating your future and what it will look like, will it include my W or will it not?
If my W does come back will I still want her? Can I still Love her?
You have reached a point where it is time to start to look at CD and stop looking at CD’s wife.
You can still hope for your M to survive, in order for that to happen you have to work on you first and fully detach from what your W is doing.
Things have been moving at the speed of light for you so far and if there is one commonality with everyone on this board it is TIME.
No matter the outcome it will take TIME. MWD mentions it in the book but it is very hard to really wrap your head around.
Time and Patience are the keys to success. Whatever your W tells you today does not necessarily mean that is the way she will always think. She can change her mind. She has already proven that, right?? She made a vow to be faithful to you and she changed her mind about that…….soooo….even if she says she done today, does not mean she will not change her mind in the future.
What I am saying here is that the decision that your M is over really lies with you. You still have the power not your W. The difficult part of this is choosing the road less traveled, the road that is not easy, it is all uphill filled with pot holes and at times you may even look down and find it hard to see the road at all. This road however leads to a better you, a happier more fulfilling life and yes possibly the restoration of your M.
God Bless
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Hey, I have been following you since you came on the board 4 or 5 weeks ago. Let me just say first that your self control and poise are amazing. You have done so well compared to so many others who discover that their spouse is cheating on them and fall apart and do all the wrong things. You were lucky enough to have found this wonderful place as events unfolded in your life. You are even more blessed to have the advice of puppy and allen in your corner.
Some find this place only after the damage has been done from mishandling the awful situation we all find ourselves in. I fall into that category and my road is much longer and harder for it. Still others find this place in the eleventh hour and puppy will give them the advice they so desperately need to follow, their emotions get the best of them and then they still make their situations exponentially worse. (Puppy will confirm this).
You on the other hand fall into that category that found this place at the right time, got the right advice, listened, mastered your emotions and have IMO done everything almost perfectly. You are a hero!!! You should feel proud for what you have accomplished thus far.
I am sure you will handle the conversation with your W today perfectly.
I read your last post and you are starting to ask yourself those hard questions we all ask ourselves?
You are contemplating your future and what it will look like, will it include my W or will it not?
If my W does come back will I still want her? Can I still Love her?
You have reached a point where it is time to start to look at CD and stop looking at CD’s wife.
You can still hope for your M to survive, in order for that to happen you have to work on you first and fully detach from what your W is doing.
Things have been moving at the speed of light for you so far and if there is one commonality with everyone on this board it is TIME.
No matter the outcome it will take TIME. MWD mentions it in the book but it is very hard to really wrap your head around.
Time and Patience are the keys to success. Whatever your W tells you today does not necessarily mean that is the way she will always think. She can change her mind. She has already proven that, right?? She made a vow to be faithful to you and she changed her mind about that…….soooo….even if she says she done today, does not mean she will not change her mind in the future.
What I am saying here is that the decision that your M is over really lies with you. You still have the power not your W. The difficult part of this is choosing the road less traveled, the road that is not easy, it is all uphill filled with pot holes and at times you may even look down and find it hard to see the road at all. This road however leads to a better you, a happier more fulfilling life and yes possibly the restoration of your M.
God Bless
Wow, that entire post is FILLED with wisdom, but I especially loved this part, as it is SO true:
Quote:
Time and Patience are the keys to success. Whatever your W tells you today does not necessarily mean that is the way she will always think. She can change her mind. She has already proven that, right?? She made a vow to be faithful to you and she changed her mind about that…….soooo….even if she says she done today, does not mean she will not change her mind in the future.
Hey, I have been following you since you came on the board 4 or 5 weeks ago. Let me just say first that your self control and poise are amazing. You have done so well compared to so many others who discover that their spouse is cheating on them and fall apart and do all the wrong things. You were lucky enough to have found this wonderful place as events unfolded in your life. You are even more blessed to have the advice of puppy and allen in your corner.
Some find this place only after the damage has been done from mishandling the awful situation we all find ourselves in. I fall into that category and my road is much longer and harder for it. Still others find this place in the eleventh hour and puppy will give them the advice they so desperately need to follow, their emotions get the best of them and then they still make their situations exponentially worse. (Puppy will confirm this).
You on the other hand fall into that category that found this place at the right time, got the right advice, listened, mastered your emotions and have IMO done everything almost perfectly. You are a hero!!! You should feel proud for what you have accomplished thus far.
I am sure you will handle the conversation with your W today perfectly.
I read your last post and you are starting to ask yourself those hard questions we all ask ourselves?
You are contemplating your future and what it will look like, will it include my W or will it not?
If my W does come back will I still want her? Can I still Love her?
You have reached a point where it is time to start to look at CD and stop looking at CD’s wife.
You can still hope for your M to survive, in order for that to happen you have to work on you first and fully detach from what your W is doing.
Things have been moving at the speed of light for you so far and if there is one commonality with everyone on this board it is TIME.
No matter the outcome it will take TIME. MWD mentions it in the book but it is very hard to really wrap your head around.
Time and Patience are the keys to success. Whatever your W tells you today does not necessarily mean that is the way she will always think. She can change her mind. She has already proven that, right?? She made a vow to be faithful to you and she changed her mind about that…….soooo….even if she says she done today, does not mean she will not change her mind in the future.
What I am saying here is that the decision that your M is over really lies with you. You still have the power not your W. The difficult part of this is choosing the road less traveled, the road that is not easy, it is all uphill filled with pot holes and at times you may even look down and find it hard to see the road at all. This road however leads to a better you, a happier more fulfilling life and yes possibly the restoration of your M.
God Bless
Wow, that entire post is FILLED with wisdom, but I especially loved this part, as it is SO true:
Quote:
Time and Patience are the keys to success. Whatever your W tells you today does not necessarily mean that is the way she will always think. She can change her mind. She has already proven that, right?? She made a vow to be faithful to you and she changed her mind about that…….soooo….even if she says she done today, does not mean she will not change her mind in the future.
Puppy
Thing is, whose to say by time they change their mind they have wore the notion of sex and intimacy completely out?
Puppy, Thanks, means alot coming from you, obviously your words of wisdom are admired by many on the board.
CD, I want to clarify something Puppy highlited.....
Time and Patience are the keys to success......
I should add that success is you being a better a partner in your next relationship whether that relationship is with your W or not.
I "hope" it is with your wife.
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Thing is, whose to say by time they change their mind they have wore the notion of sex and intimacy completely out?
DLS, That is the kind of fear that could prevent anytype of chance of reconciliation and probably the same type of fear that caused problems in the M to begin with.
This is where the work is for us the LBS, making ourselves better, overcoming fears we previously had in our M. This is where we have to dig deep and take a hard look in the mirror and decide that we are going to make ourselves better no matter what.
I just finished "How to Improve Your Marriage with out Talking About It", great book that address "fear" and "shame" in a marriage. A real eye opener!!!
FWIW..... Sex and intimacy are two different things, typically the lack of intimacy in sex is one of the things that gets couples to point we find most of ourselves at on this board.
As the LBS we often think that the WAS is off in this playground of sexual fantasy while we are left "high and dry" fact is most find the excitment of the sex and even the enjoyment goes away pretty quickly, faster than you might think because it is not based on intimacy rather it is based on the excitment of the secrecy.
Once exposed, that componet is gone and now the two "love birds/soulmates" have to start to really "relate" to each other, and find they really aren't compatible.
This is where, especially for women the fantasy starts to fall apart because the sex is just that, sex with no intimacy. The notion of intimacy never wears out in my opinion, in fact I think the yearning for that connection is what ultimately draws the WAS back to LBS.
Sure rebuilding that part of a R after an affair is difficult but if the the reconciled couple can overcome their fears and hangups the sex/intimacy can be better than it ever was before.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Lies Rationalization History re-write Attack for discovering (snooping) Threat (for snooping and/or exposure)
YOu may also get denial, but History Rewrite is likley part of the denail
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
I will listen to any of it except the lies. THAT I will cut off with "Stop. We both know you're lying. What else do you want to talk about?"
Stop. We both know you're lying. If that's all you have then I have more important things to attend to. Please excuse me...
Get up to leave...
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
If the exposure comes up- "You were lying about our marriage and me. I won't remain silent and not respond to lies or an affair"
Or pupplies classic. I have decided I will no longer lie to cover up your infidelity and destructive behaviour.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
If about discovery/snooping "I could feel your words not matching your actions. I had to know which was closest to the truth to protect myself and our D"
When you say one thing and do other I have no choice but to protect this family by verifying your claims... Which did indeed turn out as suspected - LIES
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Rationalization/re-write "I understand your viewpoint. Thank you for sharing. Please know I see it differently"
This one's ok. But if there is any lying do NOT say Thank you
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
If the M comes up as part of it "I understand your view. We have had that argument before. It was not constructive and I know now that you can't talk your way to a better marriage. That requires effort; understanding and action. We did none of these"
This is part of blame game again. BUT...
Our marriage has problems outside of your infidelity. Your choice of response to those problems is to make them WORSE by introducting an interloper to cause a great deal of stress and damage to your reputation, my commitment, and your daughter's well being. Marital problems need to be met with solutions - not lies and cheating.
Your choice - continue cheating and make things worse, or end the cheating and make things better.
The ball's in your court there. Continue cheating and hurting your own children OR make a commitment to solve the problem constructively.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Blame game -"I now know that our marriage wasn't working for either of us and I completely accept my half of the responsibility for that and am sorry for the hurt it caused you. "
I now know that our marriage wasn't satisfactory for you or me. I completely accept my half of the responsibility for that and am sorry for the hurt it caused you. The other half, and your subsequent affair to aggravate those problems is all on you.
OR
I am willing to take ownership if my HALF of our marital problems UP TO the affair. The other 50% of the marital problem and this hurtful affair is ALL YOURS.
You must be a very proud mama.
[quote=CD Bear] The hopelessness of our M/feelings justify A "It is clear now that we both needed to either agree and work together to completely rebuild our M or it would end. I firmly believe a rebuild was possible but your choices took that option away from me.
We both needed to either work together to rebuild our Marraige or work competitively to destroy each other and our daughter. You made a choice to destroy the marriage instead of repairing it. You chose to drag out daughter through a sleazy affair instead of picking up the phone to call a famly therapist or anyone.. anyone instead of going to him and hurting your own family like this.
You must be a very proud mama.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
If the guilt leads her to "friend street", I will kindly decline and say "Perhaps one day we can, but not now"
I cannot allow you to treat me or your daughter like this. Friends do not lie, cheat on, and abandon their friends.
You are no friend to me or your daughter right now - you are just lying and doing a world of damage you will one day be ashamed of. One day you will have to look our daughter in the eye and she will tell you how horrible you've been. That day you will be the most ashamed mother on the planet.
You must be very proud.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
I then Do what I intended. I will "earn" the 4 Whistle Award.
"Then all I have to say is this. I will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful. I will send you info on a few mediators I have looked into. XXX is the best choice. I will set an appointment for as early in August as possible to finalize up our Separation Agreement. I should have all my banking and documentation gathered by then. You should, too. Divorce is my last option. It is clear that it is your first and easiest. What you are doing to this family is selfish and irresponsible. But if this is your decision, then you will own the consequences.
I have to go out. See you later."
I will not live in an open marriage. Our daughter will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful to me and your daughter, and even to you. A mediator of my choice will be in contact with you very shortly. I will set an appointment as soon as possible to finalize the Separation Agreement. Have all your my banking and documentation gathered by then for legal review.
You have a choice to help your family, or destroy it. What you are doing to this family is selfish and irresponsible. But if this is your decision, then you will own the consequences and myself and our daughter will be as far from it as we can get and we won't be looking back.
I have things to do that are a lot more important than listening to your excuses.
I will not live in an open marriage. Our daughter will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful to me and your daughter, and even to you. A mediator of my choice will set an appointment to finalize the Separation Agreement. Have all your banking and documentation gathered by then for legal review.
"Your choice now is whether you will bet our D's future on rebuilding our M that has a greater tha 50% chance or on your affair that has less than 5%? Google it."
