I do try and be agreeable when she mentions what I have done in the past, but dammit its tough, I do have a habit of defending myself, always have
Well here's the quickest way to defend yourself in this particular type of situation:
****(of course if she happens to lunge at you with a sword or spear or pulls out a gun, hold up a bloody shield and defend yourself and dial 911 on the iphone at the same time!!!)
Don't defend yourself, agree with her.
Here's the idea behind this, she attacks you, what happens? you defend yourself, "NO you're totally off your rocker, you don't have a clue!"
Well she gets angrier, continues on the same path as before but with more fuel because you are against her feelings and perception of you.
You resist more (defend more), she pushes harder to convince you and herself that she is right (attacks more)
Her: "You've always been so ANGRY!!!!" You: "I agree, I used to very angry, not very happy, looking back it sucks that I wasted so much time with such a crappy attitude, life is too short to be like that!" and then smile genuinely You: "A person learns better eventually"
Her: "Yup you need to continue learning that!"
You" "yup I agree"
Her: "........."
What else would she have to use to continue the fight with?! People fight with people who don't agree with them, people who defend themselves. So.... stop defending yourself. In the end, everyone is right, she's right and you're right, her perception of reality is as real to her as your perception of reality is as real to you. So to get on a person's good side/better side, stop defending yourself during an argument, agree with their feelings, their feelings make them feel right, their feelings shape their perception of reality, if you know that now, just agree with their reality.
Arguments end quickly and you may end up seeing them defending you sometimes.
Example:
Her: "You are a poor parent!"
You: "You're right, I'm the worst parent ever!!! I can't believe how many mistakes I've made parenting our kids, I've never done anything right with them!"
Her: "well you haven't done everything wrong, you're not the worst parent ever, you're a pretty good dad you just need to learn to do these things better, I think it's good for our kids if you could do these things for them."
You: "You're right, it couldn't hurt for me to try and do something different, it would be good for the kids."
Totally counter-intuitive, but then again, a lot of the advice on this site that actually works is counter-intuitive.
