I do try and be agreeable when she mentions what I have done in the past, but dammit its tough, I do have a habit of defending myself, always have
Well here's the quickest way to defend yourself in this particular type of situation:
****(of course if she happens to lunge at you with a sword or spear or pulls out a gun, hold up a bloody shield and defend yourself and dial 911 on the iphone at the same time!!!)
Don't defend yourself, agree with her.
Here's the idea behind this, she attacks you, what happens? you defend yourself, "NO you're totally off your rocker, you don't have a clue!"
Well she gets angrier, continues on the same path as before but with more fuel because you are against her feelings and perception of you.
You resist more (defend more), she pushes harder to convince you and herself that she is right (attacks more)
Her: "You've always been so ANGRY!!!!" You: "I agree, I used to very angry, not very happy, looking back it sucks that I wasted so much time with such a crappy attitude, life is too short to be like that!" and then smile genuinely You: "A person learns better eventually"
Her: "Yup you need to continue learning that!"
You" "yup I agree"
Her: "........."
What else would she have to use to continue the fight with?! People fight with people who don't agree with them, people who defend themselves. So.... stop defending yourself. In the end, everyone is right, she's right and you're right, her perception of reality is as real to her as your perception of reality is as real to you. So to get on a person's good side/better side, stop defending yourself during an argument, agree with their feelings, their feelings make them feel right, their feelings shape their perception of reality, if you know that now, just agree with their reality.
Arguments end quickly and you may end up seeing them defending you sometimes.
Example:
Her: "You are a poor parent!"
You: "You're right, I'm the worst parent ever!!! I can't believe how many mistakes I've made parenting our kids, I've never done anything right with them!"
Her: "well you haven't done everything wrong, you're not the worst parent ever, you're a pretty good dad you just need to learn to do these things better, I think it's good for our kids if you could do these things for them."
You: "You're right, it couldn't hurt for me to try and do something different, it would be good for the kids."
Totally counter-intuitive, but then again, a lot of the advice on this site that actually works is counter-intuitive.
I will do just that. As I said before, I need to work on what attracts her to me mentally and emotionally. The physical side is not the issue. In our R I have never let myself "go" physically i go to the gym 6 days a week, eat healthy, i kinda look like a 6 foot version of Goldberg the wrestler without the nose. In any case everyone here has given me great steps and advice to work on me, I appreciate it very much.
I was posting when you were, I agree to agree, I need to let her spill her anger, and give her nothing to build it back up again. It is so easy when you type it, I need to give a big woosaw before I start to defend myself. You guys are very helpful, and Rob I dont like Iphones I stick to my crackberry had one since they came out, cant give it up.
I should go get the fat suit, she can be a mean little thing at times. So hot and cold, but I feel she will usually journal like she does to go back to when she might see changes in me. Almost like her little demon telling her he is acting nice today, but dont give in. She says she does not trust me right now, she has said in the past when I am on my A-game she wants it to stick but it doesnt. So now she will believe I am doing this just for the "moment". Dont know
I will do just that. As I said before, I need to work on what attracts her to me mentally and emotionally. The physical side is not the issue. In our R I have never let myself "go" physically i go to the gym 6 days a week, eat healthy, i kinda look like a 6 foot version of Goldberg the wrestler without the nose. In any case everyone here has given me great steps and advice to work on me, I appreciate it very much.
I have an HTC TouchPro 2 running the latest version of Windows Mobile OS and it will "WOOSAW" your crackberry's a$$ any day of the week LOL!
Thats classic, I believe my W does look at me as a great protector, because I am. At times overly protective. As I have put in my posts before, I have been in law enforcement for 9 years, SWAT training, supervisor on patrol and also a partner in a construction company. So now you all know why money is tight and things are stressful.
BTW any phone with the name Touch in it, should not be owned by a guy, sounds weird.
went to the gym from 415 to about 6, got an email that was the W blasting me over this and that, my issues and the fact that is all why she wants a separation. I do not take my crackberry in the gym read it an hour and half after she sent it, and you know what? I am not going to respond, not going to bring it up, i erased it. I got angry reading it, so I thought for "me" its better to erase it and let it go away. She also sent me texts about 3 of them while in the gym and called me 2 times. She knowsw I am at the gym and that I do not answer the phone, she can actually look from the window of her work and see my truck at the gym. In any case her texts were friendly and nice, the alien is creeping me out.
Also in her email she states she thinks its a bad idea for me to go to denver since I quit drinking, who is trying to control who? I did not respond to the email as I said, and I am going to go to Denver whether she likes it or not. My sister lives there and is a bit of a partier, but I have realized(and at some point I will tell the W) i am not an alcoholic. The W stated in her email she thinks that is why Denver is a bad idea that I might relapse. What the f()ck ever, I quit cold turkey 2 weeks ago and I am doing just fine. Even my short lived sponsor at AA doesnt think I have a problem. I am very agitated right now and when the W gets home I am going to leave and just go somewhere else, if I stay it will not be pretty.
