Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My advice would be not to read too much into it. Probably just a habit. LBSs on here report they slip up and do as much all the time.

Puppy

[john28]

I actually have a good question that I can't find the answer to when reading the DB book.

She seems to be pursuing affection with me, initiating hugs and kisses, maybe once a day saying ILY. However, she has never, ever been a physical type of person to show affection. That's just who my W is. She hasn't ever liked backrubs, petting, whatever. She is just not a physical person at all, but I am. Is it wrong for me to *sometimes* give a hug or hold hands on my own initiative, if not done in excess (like 2 times a day)? She isn't disgusted by me, and I can tell when I am pressuring her, but does anyone have experience with this?

[john28]

God, I can be such an idiot sometimes.

I'm about 99% secure with the fact she isn't talking to any OM. But that 1% of doubt is what is killing me. Tonight I confronted her about lying to me and said I want to trust her again, yada yada, and it blew up to "you're checking on me all the time, reading my email, hacking my computer, etc.... makes me feel like you are just controlling me and I HATE that about you".

Things calmed down just a little and I brought up tomorrows plans. I usually take my S4 to the library for story time every week (new development since bomb) and she has expressed interested in taking him some time since it's kind of "my thing". Conversation went like this:

Me: Would you like to take S to the library tomorrow?
W: Maybe, it doesn't really matter.
Me: Well, you've expressed interest in it before, I'd like to LET you take him.
W: LET me? LET me? That is so controlling......you treat me like a child.


Ugh. One little word. I didn't mean it like that but I'm starting to see that I treat her like a child with choice words like that. What I meant to say was: "I'd be nice if you took him, I'm sure you'd both enjoy it, and you've expressed interest in taking him before. I would like it if you took him, it would make me feel good."

Right?

[sandi2]

She seems to be pursuing affection with me, initiating hugs and kisses, maybe once a day saying ILY. However, she has never, ever been a physical type of person to show affection. That's just who my W is. She hasn't ever liked backrubs, petting, whatever. She is just not a physical person at all, but I am. Is

From what I read in your posts, the hugs and saying ILY is more of a habit/routine thing. Maybe I missed something about a kiss?

With you pulling back and not pursuing, that action will draw her in closer. But I am concerned about how "quickly" she is doing this. She could have taken the EA deeper under cover (like a pay-as-you-go phone)and she is playing the wifey role to throw you off her trail. Or...she may have decided to try and make the most out of a bad situation if she's going to stay in the M. Since she is not a physical person....that concerns me. You might be reading too much into the hugs, etc.

When an EA ends, some WAW's do not feel remorse for a long time. She regrets the hurt she caused others, but she has a lot of resentment that she's dealing with. It took me forever to reach that place.

BTW, why did you bring the lying up again? I thought that had been hashed out before.

[sandi2]

Is it wrong for me to *sometimes* give a hug or hold hands on my own initiative, if not done in excess (like 2 times a day)?

Yes, it is wrong, if you want to say it like that. You saw how pulling back from her has drawn her into your space, so don't push it.

There is a test that Puppy explained once....and I agree that it would be a telling factor for most. If she starts kissing you.....go in for a long, wet, sexy kiss and she how she reacts to that. If she is actually going through withdrawals then I think it's too soon to do it right now, but you'll know when you need to.

[john28]

Thanks Sandi. I'll continue to pull back to the best of my ability. I think she really is trying to make the most of a bad situation. I'm almost positive she hasn't taken the EA deeper under cover - mostly because of what I've discovered from the EA.

This EA was not a "love" attached EA. She was using this OM to feel better about herself, talk to someone about our M, live out a fantasy life, but she's made it clear to me that she didn't have any romantic feelings for this person. She understands that the OM motives were different from hers, that the OM wanted to be with her, use her, whatever. She didn't care - she felt like she had someone to talk to that understood her.

Therefore, I think she did, or maybe is going through withdrawls, but not to the degree that a full blown love EA would have. She has had a full blown EA before, and swears this one wasn't anything like that. Yesterday I told her that as hard as it was for me to grasp, that she was going through withdrawls from this EA and I would give her some space. Her response was, "I don't think you understood what went on." Which leads me to believe she is telling me the truth to the extent of this EA.

She has expressed remourse and sorrow to me for this EA, but like you said she definitely still has resentment.

I don't think she's playing the wifey role because before these past two weeks, she was VERY clear that she was moving out on July 26 (after our S birthday and hers on the 24) before I started DB. There has been no talk of her moving out since. She is going to see her mother for a week in NY next week and taking our S (family reunion, already been planned for months) and hasn't said anything about moving out after. She told me the days she'd be gone as she irons out the schedule.

I'll try Puppy's test, but not anytime within the next week or so.

Yesterday night I tried really hard to give her space. She was talking about maybe going out to get some things for the birthday party around 9:00pm or so, and I said "Go ahead, I've got some reading I want to catch up on." She said OK and was gone for about an hour or so. When she came back she expressed she was happy to get out of the house. We watched some TV then went to bed.

In bed we were both reading and she turned over to me and said,
"I'm not doing anything to betray your trust. Nothing. Trust me. And, I want to let you know that even though you annoy me every day (laughing), ILY very very much." with a sweet smile on her face. MY HEART LEPT A THOUSAND MILES. Weird to say it, but that's the BEST I've felt in months. My W never says much like that. I immidiately thanked her for her comment, said ILY back, and I gave her a kiss as she smiled.

That was a nice way to go to bed.

I can feel like she doesn't want to be a WAW, but she's very stressed and craves love.

[john28]

[quote]
BTW, why did you bring the lying up again? I thought that had been hashed out before.

I have not brought up the lying again. I don't plan to. Maybe in time as we work though our M and problems, I can bring it up with the MC either in a joint or individual session.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

In bed we were both reading and she turned over to me and said,
"I'm not doing anything to betray your trust. Nothing. Trust me. And, I want to let you know that even though you annoy me every day (laughing), ILY very very much." with a sweet smile on her face. MY HEART LEPT A THOUSAND MILES. Weird to say it, but that's the BEST I've felt in months. My W never says much like that. I immidiately thanked her for her comment, said ILY back, and I gave her a kiss as she smiled.

Best way to respond:

(Smile) "Thank you. I wish I could believe that right now. Goodnight."

Regardless of the depth (or lack thereof) of your wife's EA, it's still way too early to fully trust her right now, especially to tell the truth.

Puppy

[john28]

Journaling:
This seems to be getting just a little bit better...

Just got a call from W at work! She rarely calls me to talk to me at work, I have always in the past called her around noon or so. I went out to lunch today for a meeting (I've been going home for lunch for weeks) and she called just now around 2:00pm. When I answered the phone she started SINGING! What? Admittedly, it was pretty cute. She seemed in a glorious mood and I asked her to what do I owe this splendid call? She said she was just calling to see how my day is going, what I was doing. I told her it's been a busy day, etc. spoke about a few meetings for about 20-30 seconds. I asked her how the Library went this morning with S, she said great, started talking about it for a couple more minutes. I told her thanks for the call, it broke up my day and was a pleasant suprise, but I had to get back to work. Told her I'd try and be at home on time tonight - she closed with an "Ok! See you at home - love you!"

Today is a good day - nice to have one of those every once in a while as of late.

[PMA_Baby!]

I'm confused. Why the change? Did OM blow her off? Is she bi-polar? Passive agressive? All sounds great, but based on your previous post very suspicious.

All you can do is to continue to live these words...

"HOPE FOR THE BEST BUT PREPARE FOR THE WORST..."

PMA