Goodman, try not to get hung up on the list. This is NOT all about you. This is about your W having affairs and justifying them by reinventing the past and making you feel like it is 100% your fault so she can have the power and you can squirm. It takes two to make a M go to heck but it only takes one to abandon it and to NOT try and work on it.
I have no problem if the MC wants to talk about the list but it should NOT be all about you addressing the list. It should be your W addressing the list and how these things are germane. We can all come up with a list of complaints but these are justifications for leaving the M which is what most WAS do. They have NO intention of working on the M. They just want OUT! MC is just something that makes them look and feel good so they can say that they "tried everything".
Don't take on the burden 100%!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Mine too Dan but I would rather have had her NOT do it than to do it and give me false hope when she was determined to end the M all along.
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
You are right Ken. But it IS the elephant in the room. He's going to want to discuss it. I won't cop to anything I don't believe I'm guilty of, but I would like to hear her expound on a couple of those items.
The bottom line is, whatever her justifications, whether thay are trumped up or really her feelings, I am droping the rope. My ORIGINAL argument in MC still holds: It's her decision to make. At least now, I am not terrified. And trying squelch the resentment.
She said last night that she is commited to see the original 6 sessions we agreed to through, but that she hates it and doesn't want to do more. I am totally cool with that and will tell her that I have decided that If she wants to stop, I will take that as a sign that she's finally done trying and we should part company. I'll give her whatever credit she may be seeking for the college effort and just go about my life. At the onset, when i was smothering her, she said she didn't want to discuss this stuff outside of a clinical setting and with minor exceptions I have abided by that wish. Therefore, at the conclusion of MC, I will NOT discuss the R again in any way unless she indicates that she is totally committed to us again. We will either split or she will wither on the vine. I'll be out living my life W/O her.
Tonight is session # 4 BTW, so I am in this 100% for at least two more weeks. I suppose I should let her know.
I was thinking about e-mailing my own little communique to MC. I thought I would forward the link to the WAW Syndrom report. Is that a good/bad idea. I would have to trust him not to bring it up. W is wicked smart. If she even sniffs that I'm getting help online, she'd root it out and all my efforts would be for naught. Ideas?
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Right. Me too. I was being strung along for 5 months. She says she hadn't decided by then, but the EA with the OM got heavier while we were still in counseling. All I got from her in counseling was blame and I just don't have those feelings for you and may never have them again.
Which would always send me into a fit of depression that she also said she couldn't take. It was a ridiculous cycle to go through every 2 weeks.
I'm not sure that counseling is very helpful at this stage. It may be too soon for her. MC usually centers on rehashing painful events which encourages guilt. That's why she hates it. Plus, it's typical of the WAW in the first stage of DBing, the healing stage to not want to talk about the R. Talking about the relationship is more painful than walking. So, we try to figure things out ourselves and make the changes suggested in DB/DR. Then, at a certain point the WAW has healed enough to actually work on the R at which point your issues may be addressed too, in a positive, specific, forward looking manner.
MWD says that all the work has to be done by the LBS at this stage and she says, too bad, that's just how it is and the only way it will work.
Also, you’ve kind of set a deadline for your marriage to work. I’m not sure that is a good idea.
Maybe see if you can postpone the next session for a couple of weeks and DB instead? Tell her if this is causing her a lot of stress you don’t want that? MY DB coach told me that the best thing that happened to me was that my W refused to go to counseling.
I did show my IC the WAW Syndrome stuff. He asked for copies and the titles of the books I was reading, but most C's don't really understand this. When a spouse says its def over, the H begs, etc., the C tries to convince the H that it is over and it's time to move on. The couple divorces and it reinforces the C's belief that when the WAW says it's over, it really is.
I hated the elephant in the room at my counseling session, and I finally exposed it at my 5th session. It did not do much for the MCing sessions. We quit going because W wanted the counseling for the D not the M.
You will have to "stand up" to W and do what is right for you. If she will get mad at you for getting help, then it is too bad for her. You need to do what you are doing for you too.
You have to decide to split or not. Only you can make that decision.
You still seemed scared of your W.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Ok, last night after the Scout event, and a quick bite, I was spent. Didn’t even work out; just went to bed. Today at work, I’ve been hopping all day. I read your posts and will read them again and respond, but just haven’t had time. Hopefully, I’ll get some quiet time tonight. Just didn’t want everyone to think I chucked the towel in or anything.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
