I'm counting on that story about you W asking to have you removed from the store.
I'm feeling tomorrow could be the most difficult day of my life....so far.
How do you prepare for the day your W tries to cover lies with more lies while having an A and still find the courage to drop a bomb on her to support your views; reinforce your integrity; re-establish your self-respect; and protect yourself and your D all in a 15 second script?
Not to mention setting a "deal breaker" boundary that she will reject and compel me to follow through with the consequences of aadditional exposure and 'leading' in your own divorce?
Doesn't look good on paper. Did I mention I have to do it with calm confidence AFTER hearing her lies?
I'm not feeling really good right now. This is breaking my heart but I know I have to do it or we don't stand a chance. We have pretty low odds at best,but I have to find the strength to do what is right and be the hero for my family.
She is so far gone right now (I confirmed the PA dates back to April today-hotel bill in "Mountain Town") compounded by her superfluous "We won't be home. See you at 5:30".
I hate this. Yet the finality and the sense of loss leave me with a calm and and a release that I haven't fully grasped.
She is gone. I am alone with my D. The family is destroyed. And all I can think of of "I could have prevented this if I had only seen the signs earlier." The self-loathing gun is loaded and pointing directly at me.
I know it's not the place I need to be in but the sadness is so final. I am really sensing "the tragedy; the waste; the loss; and the missed opportunities to have changed this long ago" It's a pittance to most on this board but it's not even 7 years together. And I miss them already. What I would give for a "do-over".
Already said a prayer for you this morning. For strength, clarity and discernment.
What helped me was to script out my 2nd, longer, "The Deceit's Gotta Stop" confrontation with my wife. Practiced it, over and over, even out loud, in my office. Rehearsed my body language, and my inflection, and my eye contact. Probably two dozen times.
It left me VERY prepared, and pretty calm. A 1/2-pill of my anti-anxiety meds took care of the other half nicely.
Another technique I use when nervous is to remind myself of all the ways that the OTHER person ought to really be the nervous one! And that's certainly true in your case. YOU are fighting the noble fight, and your wife is lying and fleeing and generally acting of poor character!
Who said this had to be a 15-second script? I'd suggest about a 3-minute one, give or take. If you can find me in the alt (FB), I can e-mail you the one I used when I re-confronted my wife, but it was a little bit different situation.
Back to April . . . uggggh. I'm so sorry, altho it doesn't surprise me. Do NOT blame yourself; it is not your job to "see signs" of things that no self-respecting man expects when he gets married. It is ONLY your job to respond, swiftfully and forcefully, once you do find out, and that you have done exceptionally well.
Lies Rationalization History re-write Attack for discovering (snooping) Threat (for snooping and/or exposure)
I will listen to any of it except the lies. THAT I will cut off with "Stop. We both know you're lying. What else do you want to talk about?"
If the exposure comes up- "You were lying about our marriage and me. I won't remain silent and not respond to lies or an affair"
If about discovery/snooping "I could feel your words not matching your actions. I had to know which was closest to the truth to protect myself and our D"
Rationalization/re-write "I understand your viewpoint. Thank you for sharing. Please know I see it differently"
If the M comes up as part of it "I understand your view. We have had that argument before. It was not constructive and I know now that you can't talk your way to a better marriage. That requires effort; understanding and action. We did none of these"
Blame game -"I now know that our marriage wasn't working for either of us and I completely accept my half of the responsibility for that and am sorry for the hurt it caused you. "
The hopelessness of our M/feelings justify A "It is clear now that we both needed to either agree and work together to completely rebuild our M or it would end. I firmly believe a rebuild was possible but your choices took that option away from me.
If the guilt leads her to "friend street", I will kindly decline and say "Perhaps one day we can, but not now"
I then Do what I intended. I will "earn" the 4 Whistle Award.
"Then all I have to say is this. I will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful. I will send you info on a few mediators I have looked into. XXX is the best choice. I will set an appointment for as early in August as possible to finalize up our Separation Agreement. I should have all my banking and documentation gathered by then. You should, too. Divorce is my last option. It is clear that it is your first and easiest. What you are doing to this family is selfish and irresponsible. But if this is your decision, then you will own the consequences.
I have to go out. See you later."
Thanks everyone. if you see anything I missed or if something needs a tweak. please let me know.
Another technique for pushing thru the fear, CD, is to learn to EMBRACE it. Try to see this next stage of your life as a GREAT ADVENTURE, full of self-growth, new and better time with your daughter, and no boring days! Seriously.
Started out this morning in the usual way Chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today Another time around the circle try to make it better than the last
I opened up the Bible and I read about me Said I'd been a prisoner and God's grace had set me free And somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt I saw a big frontier in front of me and I heard somebody say "let's go"!
CHORUS Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown This is a life like no other - this is The Great Adventure
Come on get ready for the ride of your life Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind And discover all the new horizons just waiting to be explored This is what we were created for
(Chorus)
BRIDGE We'll travel over, over mountains so high We'll go through valleys below Still through it all we'll find that This is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams
Yeah... oh saddle up your horses... come on get ready to ride
I've asked Allen A to stop over and give some suggestions on the confrontation script. He's exceptional at it, and keeping you honed in on the "fighting for the family" stuff.
I'm sure you're reading my post from today right now.
I'm not sure "how" to find you on altFB. I am on the front page wall as CalIasdad. Or you can tell me how to find you.
Thanks for the song but I've lived in "Cowtown" for over 35 years and the Stampede just ended. I'm pretty much burnt out on anything to do with saddles, curly hats or pointy boots.
I am very interested in your 2nd, longer version regarding Deceipt.
