After lurking in Infidelity a bit I had to come back over here and give you a few things to think about (they use those truth darts to GET THROUGH to their affair addicted S's--affairs being very much like on drugs!)
They are always stated rationally and calmly and with a bit of regret. Get yourself to the place that you can do this without being at all nasty. The work to get yourself in that place must be done first.
They are texted more than spoken. That gives the S something to think about and NOT argue with. Any argument by the WAS is rationalization and negates what you said. They WILL try to negate and argue--it's the nature of the beast to difuse a hurt that stings.
They must be stated over and over. Your W is very much like the affair partner--she is in huge denial. You need to arm yourself with statistics about what she is doing. Start to educate yourself on the harmful effects of D on children's future lives.
There are guys around here that need the 180 of being more involved as parents, kinder, more helpful, etc. This is not you.
You are on MY end of the spectrum. You need to be MORE assertive, MORE proactive, MORE able to stand up for truth and what is right. Most people like us are terrified of a D that we just sit passively and let the WAS walk all over us. But you have already D'd!! There is nothing to fear now! What you have feared has already happened!!
Look, I am where you are, except I am not going down without a fight. I have armed myself with some very good books--Boundaries in Marriage is AWESOME. Shows you how in the marriage there is the proactive S and the passive S and how we get into these messes is by NOT putting up boundaries 1.with ourselves (!!--yes! We have to have boundaries FIRST) and 2. with the S.
I would suggest for you "No More Mr. Nice Guy" that they advocate over in Infedelity as well.
I encourage you to do what you can--you need to stop throwing your hands in the air and saying "there's nothing I can do". YES THERE IS!! Get yourself educated! I may end up D too, but not without an education on WHAT I did, and how this is PREVENTABLE, and how even when D'd I can STILL get to my H.
Yes--you will always, always, always be able to get to your W. Knowledge is power WP, and you have the ability to get yourself educated here.
Get those 2 books!! And go over to the Infidelity boards and see how they get to the S that is in lala land.
