My h left on St. Patrick's Day. He was in "temporary housing" but I found out from neighbors he was staying with a bar skank he'd picked up after I talked with him about my concern re: his recent extremely heavy drinking and my fear he'd fail out of his (very expensive) MBA program, where he'd thus far done so well. Cliff Notes version: He became uncharacteristically furious with me, then didn't talk with me for three days, then (2/in 2 weeks) started disappearing at night and started an affair with OW, who knows us both and that we're married, has a terrible reputation, and is a COMPLETE lowlife. He moved in with her and has been there ever since.
For a long time, he tried to "be friends" and denied her existence. I had to keep my mouth shut about her (although I knew from very early on that he was lying to me and betraying me) so that he would sign a post-nup (I made the lion's share of the money) letting me keep my retirement and savings. In return, he took our X5 and almost all of our furniture. His skank caused me great embarrassment when a crime SHE committed resulted in the police showing up at MY workplace for me. (My h is so unoriginal - she looks like "the low rent version of you," according to a male neighbor - just a few years younger.) His financial problems have resulted in creditors calling ME. It's been pretty awful.
As soon as he signed the postnup, I told his parents, sister, boss, and all my friends the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He had been trying to keep her quiet (I think he wanted to wait a while introduce her to our small community as the "new" girlfriend, not the immoral skank he started sleeping with while he was still sleeping with and living with his wife, who hoped this was just a rough patch.) After the police came to work for ME, there was no more covering it up. He ended up losing the respect of his employees, as well, because this incident caused him to lose his US ID card (he's a Brit), meaning he lost a lot of privileges on the base where we work -- and had to sell our X5 because he could no longer afford it. His coworkers have also lost respect for him, especially after he took her out to a World Cup party where she was rude and territorial around our mutual friends and generally embarrassed him - no more outings since then!
It was nice, too, to hear what the male friends had to say about her - I thought she was plain and dumpy (and KNOW she has never achieved anything beyond slamming pork platters and beer on tables and sleeping with other women's husbands, which is why she has such a bad reputation) but it did me good to hear the men express their amazement at my h's choice.
But now what? I was calm and sweet and DB'ing away until I read some of Allen's and Puppy's posts about how that doesn't work (but it DID get him to sign the post nup so at least I still have my retirement!) Now that he's been outed, though... No contact until he can file in February and then just say goodbye at the divorce court?
Ideas? Advice? Suggestions? I ordered Tupy's book but can't download it until later today on another computer. Have read the Conways, Shirley Glass, Relationship Rescue, MWD, and about half a dozen other books...
Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk. H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10 H cheated on OW1: 12/10 H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11 D: 9/11 Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Oh, and he didn't finish his MBA thesis (due 15 April) on time.
Also, h's best friend thinks his MLC was kicked off when I talked with him about the booze and drinking because (unbeknownst to me) he had failed out of his BA program and had to leave school because he failed his thesis as an undergrad -- because of too much drinking! His friend said he barely finished the undergrad thesis the second time around!
When I said I was worried his dramatically increased (and scary) drinking was going to keep him from finishing his MBA, his friend said I "stepped on a landmine" and held up a mirror (without knowing it) that showed my h that he was once again screwing up - and it was too much for him to take, as I have a mucg better education and have written books for a living for years.
Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk. H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10 H cheated on OW1: 12/10 H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11 D: 9/11 Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Hey, for the record, I have no problem going the "be nice" route if it's to achieve some strategic purpose -- like getting the post-nup signed. GOOD JOB, Marie!!
What now, though? Just GAL, live with the silence in hopes he starts to miss me and wakes up?
Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk. H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10 H cheated on OW1: 12/10 H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11 D: 9/11 Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk. H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10 H cheated on OW1: 12/10 H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11 D: 9/11 Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
What now, though? Just GAL, live with the silence in hopes he starts to miss me and wakes up?
Yes, I'm afraid so. Until HE decides to do something about his drinking problem, there's nothing you can. As pro-affair-busting as I am, a drug or alcohol problem has to be solved first. The order is:
1. Fix the drug or alcohol problem. 2. Bust the affair. (which, really, is just another addiction) 3. Work on the marriage.
That's interesting. My IC said that "booze and bimbos go hand in hand with MLC - they're a symptom, not a cause."
You've been around here for a while, though, and I think you're wise.
So... just resign myself to divorce? I've exposed his affair (but his subsequent activities leading to the police coming to work for ME when it was his skank who broke the law) did an even better job than I did!) I also managed to get him to sign the post-nup so I have financially protected myself.
Is that all I can do? Just wait until I see him in divorce court?
Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk. H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10 H cheated on OW1: 12/10 H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11 D: 9/11 Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Marie, have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings, or sought any other sort of support group?
I know you think I'm being passive and fatalistic here, but I really don't think there's anything you can do until he addresses his drinking problem, and -- as you probably know -- only HE can address that.
I'm the child of an alcoholic, and there's a ton of it that runs in my family. I know the damage it can do.
I live in a remote Alpine village with no Alanon. The ICs I've been seeing (they rotate every 45 days) are all alcohol and drug abuse specialists but they (all 3 so far) seem to think my h is in a classic MLC, where "booze and bimbos" are symptoms.
I'm Irish, my family owned a pub, and *all* of my relatives are either alcoholics or don't drink at all. I hear what you're saying, which is why I keep asking the ICs about the boozing.
Unfortunately, h is British and Irish, worked in Irish pubs while on his "year off" from college (read: when he flunked out because of boozing and failing his thesis), and - in comparison with some of the OTHER Brits and Irish in town - is not AS bad. Still, blackouts and passing out and being drunk EVERY SINGLE DAY for months on end is to me an alcohol problem at the least and most likely alcoholism.
The ICs always say it's unethical to diagnose someone they haven't seen, but from their work with the military (which is in crisis right now, with MLCs, boozing, infidelity, suicides, etc., all often wrapped up in PTSD from the wars - it's so sad) has shown that some of these guys can get it together because they wake up and realize their wives are the ones in their corner for the long haul, so they tell me to focus on healing myself but no need to let that spark of hope die, because they are often surprised at the folks they thought were hopeless who ended up happily back together. I just don't have the feeling that this is the case with my h.
I think he's too proud to admit he has a drinking problem - he lied to me for SO LONG about his skank, even when he MUST have known I knew about her!
I am reading the Melody Beatty stuff (again!) and other books on co-dependency, but the ICs seem a bit skeptical - say they don't think I have that issue but instead that I'm going through normal grieving from being abandoned - and think that I should be working instead on taking care of myself.
There's a new IC in town so I'll ask her what she thinks, as well.
From your point of view, though, it's pretty much time for me to accept it's over?
Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk. H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10 H cheated on OW1: 12/10 H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11 D: 9/11 Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Only you can decide when you're "done", when "enough is enough", etc. There are people who have divorced for a lesser reasons than you; there are others who have stayed and endured a lot worse. Again, only you can decide what's right for you.
