How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[cat04]

Rlay,

I will start by saying abuse is NEVER ok. It isn’t. And it is NEVER the victims fault.

I will not support you in allowing yourself to be the victim anymore though.

You were. A victim of someone else’s bad behavior.

You have to make the choice not to be anymore. That is the first step.

When you can decide that you do not want to be the victim anymore, your anger will begin to surface. And honey, it isn’t gonna feel pretty. It will be at him for treating you that way. It will be at yourself for allowing yourself to be treated like that. It will be at the world for a little while. And then, you can begin to really heal.

Your counselor is right, you will NOT heal, no matter what you do, no matter how many support groups you go to, even if you stay in counseling for the rest of your life, or even if you H returns and is the model H, until you begin to let this happen.

You know what, I don’t believe you that you aren’t angry. Not for one second. It is time Rlay, to be honest with us and honest with yourself.

No one here is going to punish you for being angry and upset. Some may not have a clue what to say if you let it pour out, other than a hug, but some will.

I am not saying to confront your H about it. You are not strong enough for that. And it won’t make a difference right now.

Let him go treat the OW however he wants to treat her for now. Statistics say that eventually he will treat her badly as well.

I will ask you this though…

If your S’s turn out like your H, because you refused to heal yourself and really help them heal…can you handle that responsibility?

Because we learn what we see more than what we are told.

Are you going to allow yourself to continue to be a victim and allow your children to see that and maybe repeat it in their own lives…

Or are you gonna step up and face it with the strength that you have buried deep inside of you right now and hopefully stop the cycle?

This is what I hope for for you. And I think that is the hope you should be holding onto right now and nothing more…

[beingreal]

<cups Rlays face gently in her hands, leans in close, looks her right in the eye & quietly says...>

It wasn't hope.

It was fear.

It wasn't hope.

It. Was. Fear.

You hoped he would get better. You hoped it was the last time. You hoped you could have a happy life together.

No. You were afraid that he would do it again, because you knew he would do it again.


The fear that he was right and you really couldn't do it on your own. That he was right and you weren't smart enough or strong enough or good enough to be on your own. The fear that you really did need him, and that you would always have to live like that. The fear that one day he would take your life just as he had controlled it...without a thought to your pain and suffering.

I don't care what he called it, R, it wasn't love. Ever. you don't treat the people you love like that. What he did was wrong. The only mistake you made was believing in him. You never deserved this. Any of it. Your children don't deserve it.

And he sure as hell never deserved you. And he knows it, which is part of the reason he's tried to keep you down for so long.

When you can decide that you do not want to be the victim anymore, your anger will begin to surface. And honey, it isn’t gonna feel pretty. It will be at him for treating you that way. It will be at yourself for allowing yourself to be treated like that. It will be at the world for a little while. And then, you can begin to really heal.

Your counselor is right, you will NOT heal, no matter what you do, no matter how many support groups you go to, even if you stay in counseling for the rest of your life, or even if you H returns and is the model H, until you begin to let this happen.

Yep. You won't. You will continue to live in this you decide it's time to stop.

If your S’s turn out like your H, because you refused to heal yourself and really help them heal…can you handle that responsibility?

Because we learn what we see more than what we are told.

Are you going to allow yourself to continue to be a victim and allow your children to see that and maybe repeat it in their own lives…

Another point I am in total agreement with. This is what they see. This is what will become normal for them. This is what they will teach their children. Teach their sons to do & teach their daughters to accept.

Let him go treat the OW however he wants to treat her for now. Statistics say that eventually he will treat her badly as well.

I know this is true, because it was me. Not the OW part... but the new girlfriend who defended him against the claims his exwife made when she finally found the strength to stand up and say it (I have always wanted to apologize to her for making people doubt her). Not him. Oh, no. He was too kind, too perfect, too golden. He treated me like a princess.

Right up until it was me hiding the bruises.

And lying to my friends and family.

And wondering how the hell I got to that point.

It took me years to heal from it.



And then I found myself in a M that was just as verbally volatile and ugly. From both of us. So no, maybe I never really healed from the previous R at all. I just ended up repeating it, on a different level and without the bruises. Well... the ones you can hide with makeup anyway.

lol... maybe I'm not the best person to be posting on the thread after all.

Take my hand Rlay... you are not alone here.


(and now you know why I am so adamant about closing that door)

[seeking answers]

RLay,

It took courage to spill your guts. That is the first step. Your journey to healing begins with that first step. You are on the right path for you and your children.

No one deserves to be treated like that, no one. The anger that is underneath the surface, let it out, rage, vent, rant. We'll be here to support you, to prop you up when you falter, to walk beside you.

RLay only you can show your children that that kind of treatment is unacceptable. You can break this cycle and teach them to respect themselves and others and are worthy and deserving of that respect in return.

It begins with you RLay, you need to believe it and start living it yourself. You are worth it, your children are worth it and you have taken the first step.

[RLay1100]

I am currently reading your responses. I am absolutely floored by the outpouring of love and support from you all. I truly am touched and am crying way too much to write a response right now.
I NEED to say THANK YOU, though! I SO want you all to know how much I appreciate your love and support. This is all so hard for me...

[ericmsant2]

RLay -

This is all so hard for me

Hard yes....

DOABLE....ABSOLUTELY!

One day at a time…RLay….one day at a time…you are not alone.

[punkin]

I spent five years in a marriage from hell like that in my early twenties. My oldest son recalls hearing me getting bounced off the walls and being afraid to get out of bed. And the whole time, I thought it was MY fault.

It took time and distance, but I was able to GAL that didn't include him. I am even able to forgive him. We are on decent speaking terms. Feel bad for the 4 wives that followed me.

The very first thing you have to believe is that NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. IT'S HIS PROBLEM. Look at this as an opportunity to escape, not a failing on your part.

Run. You can't stand for a marriage that includes abuse, and you shouldn't want to. Circle the wagons ( I've been watching too much Bonanza reruns) with your friends and the start making a life for yourself.

I know, easier said than done, but it can be done. I'm here because my marriage is in trouble, but we had twenty good years, in which I was treated with love and respect, never hit.

The people here are always here for you.

[cat04]

Run. You can't stand for a marriage that includes abuse, and you shouldn't want to.

Punkin,

I will have to disagree with you here.

A person can stand for the M, even one like this, because strength is gained through standing, while doing the work to strengthen themselves.

This work will eventually, hopefully, include the ability to set a boundary of that sort of behavior not continuing. The offender getting SERIOUS help.

It can be done though. I have witnessed it.

Allowing the behavior to continue, that is another story...

Rlay,

I hope you are having a good day today...

[punkin]

Cat, we'll have to agree to disagree. IMHO, she needs to stand for herself, her children, her family. A man who thinks he can abuse his wife, and has done so for X amount of years, well, Can he get serious help? Yes. WILL he? Only God knows that one, and Rlay has to protect herself and her family while God works on him.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Let me chime in here.

If he hits you leave.

I am not talking the TRUELY accidental.

I am talking intentional with anger, and NEVER believe that you made him do it. Broken boys break their toys.

He hits you, you leave, cause only broken girls stay with broken boys.

[ericmsant2]

Cat/Punkin

At the risk of coming across as a mediator here I agree with both of you to some extent.

First, the decision to stand or not to stand for a M is a very personal one.

Cat said….

A person can stand for the M, even one like this, because strength is gained through standing, while doing the work to strengthen themselves.

I agree 100% with this quote. Specifically the strengthening oneself. For me personally, standing allowed me to get my feet under me. To gain a better sense of self thus allowing me to look at the M in a much more sound way.

Punkin said…

she needs to stand for herself, her children, her family.

Can he get serious help? Yes. WILL he? Only God knows that one,

I agree with these as well Punkin…Yes only God knows BUT it is possible. I was not an abusive H. I was though an emotionally unavailable one and one that neglected my W. Right now, I am sure she feels that I would never change or that only God knows if I could. I am here to tell you that I have and did. So….did she make the right choice to no longer stand? Did she make the right choice to move forward into the arms of another? Only God knows. Personally, she did what she needed to do. I did what I needed to to. I often wonder…what WOULD have happened had she…..

Stood for HERSELF AND the M.

So to RLay I say this….DO WHAT YOU need to DO for YOU. Standing for YOURSELF is the most important thing that you can do RIGHT NOW. Standing for YOUR…well that is YOUR CALL. The only thing I can say to you is this……In all cases LOVE. Just remember that LOVE does not mean to allow yourself or your kids to be a punching bag. You can LOVE from a distance….it is called DETACH.

God Bless,
Eric