Going to write in bullets (legnthy ones)! Mama duties keeping me busy! -H said he wanted to go to MC w me several months ago, when he mentioned it, but I eventually said no. Ummm...really? I remember tht H mentioned it then backed doen and said no. Today he said he only meant that there were no guarantees. Uhh... Hello?! Now what?! -said he feels like if we work on 'us' right now, it only will have been bc of the baby! Nah ah! I said that's why I wanted to try MC months ago... Before the baby came in the mix! -his response is "not right now" I said it means NO I'm just buying myself some time! H said no it doesn't! I asked when? After your done studying for boards? December? Next July? When? He said he doesn't know... That he can't guarantee anything! Yeah well, neither can the next guy! I told him nothing is a guarantee -told H everyday I fall out of love w him a tiny bit more... -said to H I think of us and our past and our dreams and don't understand how he doesn't look on the great times we shared and want that! Said I don't understad how you don't think of it or see it! He said he does... -said I am able to take the baby out of the equation and see that WE were once great! -told H that I still want the same things for S that he and I always dreamt about and just bc H and I are not together doesn't mean I don't plan the same for S and said maybe I will find someone else to share my family and life w. H got tears in his eyes. -told H nicely that I didn't need him to stay. That I was okay to do this alone. He didn't give me a chance to finish and said I want to be here. Ok. I didn't question him. I know its only for the baby.
I don't know if anything I wrote makes sense! I stopped and started so many times! H just rocked S to sleep and wished us a good night...
