Sheesh. That's a tall order, because you are really asking about how to FEEL. I wish I could tell myself how to feel, let alone someone else. So, I'm not touching that. But I will tell you a story...
I love stories. Go on.
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I have a very young 80 year old bagpipe student. He is super pleasant to talk to and some of our lessons we end up chatting more than actually working on his music. Just after my stbxW dropped the bomb, I was informing him I might be canceling lessons for a while and told him why. We got to talking about my sitch and I asked him for some advice. I figured a guy married 60 years would have some sage advice.
He said "Fergie. If I had some advice to give you, I'd tell you, but to be honest there is nothing I can give you."
He did tell me a story about a fight he and his wife had. He packed a bag, got in his truck, and started driving. When he got to end of his driveway, he stopped, and sat there. He had a choice to go off onto the highway. After a bit of time of sitting there, he turned the truck around and went home.
That really stuck with me, because almost everyone I've met here in the DB world is just like him. People trying really hard to save their marriages, and also just plain super people. And I think that is the difference between the WAS and the DBers; the DBers want to put the work in to fix their marriages and the WAS keeps driving.
Yes! Exactly! I've often wondered how H could just walk away and leave it all. He's wanted to put in NO effort, and he has deluded himself (and others, I'm sure) into believing that he DID work on things. Yeah, right.
I'm often disgusted by how he is such a quitter. Life gets tough, and he bolts. I get really frustrated by how easy it seemed for him to leave and never look back. It's ridiculous.
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Your IC had some excellent questions. Some of them my IC gave me. The best one was: Do you really want to go back to the exact situation with nothing changed? At first I thought it didn't sound too bad, but now it sounds horrible.
That question really helped me, too. I had probably romanticized what a reunion or reconciliation would be like, but that question brought me back to reality. I don't like who H is right now. I don't like that he's put me through this.
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Rob helped with that. Your mantra should be "Don't settle for crumbs."
Good point. I'm better than crumbs.
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Turn that frown upside down now is your time to shine, girl!
Everyone has their limits and my limit was that the stbxW kept driving. I know this is a marriage saving forum, but I have read thread after thread where the LBS is willing to let the WAS drive around the world. I guess I wasn't willing to do that and have her return to settle for crumbs.
Yes, I see your point here. It's been easier and easier to think about life without him, especially as I grow more disgusted by his lack of commitment to me and his disloyalty to our vows--particularly the "for better or for worse" part.
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You are a great looking woman. If you are even half as witty in person as on the threads, you will do fine. Better than fine, if that is what you decide to do.
--Fergie
You're not so bad yourself, handsome. Seriously, thanks for saying this. It's easy to question your attractiveness--physical and social--when your spouse leaves!
I hope that I WILL do fine. The rejection I've felt is hard, but I'm too strong to let this defeat me. He's a fool, and he'll regret his choices one day.
