Is this piecing?

[Freckle6]

Yes and yes at gaining more peace and sanity. Just try to look at it as something you're doing for you--for you to be able to detach and heal, not something you're doing to him as punishment. Like, I'm not going to chit chat with you because I'm mad at you at all you've done to us and me, so there. Instead you need to come from a place of, I'm not going to chit chat with you because I'm trying to accept our new situation and those moments of the old us make my emotions go up and down. It's the latter you need on auto replay in your head.

When we exchanged my son, any talking was just about logistics if needed and the rest was directed at S--saying hello and goodbye to him. I never looked at my H's face because that was too, intimate isn't quite the word I'm looking for, but maybe too familiar.

I don't know if I ever would have gotten to a place of friendship with my H. There was never any fighting or anything and we were always able to have a combined family birthday party for S, and do school stuff jointly, but that was it.

to be honest Hope, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't at this point. IMO, there isn't anything *you* can do anymore. Obviously there are things you can do to help pound more nails in the coffin (like setting all his stuff on fire on the front lawn), but none of this other stuff really matters anymore. The changes and revelations all need to come from within him now and like the horse saying, you've brought him to the water with your changes. Now it's up to him to see if he ever figures out he can drink it. KWIM?

Your job now is to do things that help your emotions and your healing and rebuilding. Doing so isn't severing all hope or wishes of a reconciliation. If he ever gets his head straight he'll find his way back to you.