How do you know that it’s truly too late and that they won’t change their mind?
My husband told me 2 months ago that he wanted out. I spent the first month doing all the wrong things, and the second month doing all the right things (most of the time). We’re growing as friends and he does say that he wants to remain friends- nothing more. He’s nice to me, talks to me about his day, has not taken his ring off, and will initiate sex. But he still won’t touch me otherwise, of course won’t tell me he loves me, and he’s telling everyone he knows that we are getting divorced. It’s the fact that he’s telling everyone that’s worrying me the most. How likely is it for a spouse to change their mind after telling everyone they knew it was over?
My situation:
What spurred his decision: we had a fight that was ugly, but no more so that has been in the past. We’ve had issues with communication for a long time. He DOESN’T talk- he’s completely silent when I ask him questions. This makes me so frustrated that I would get emotionally abusive to get any kind of reaction from him (I told him I made the biggest mistake in my life when I married him, etc.) Out of exhaustion, I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He decided after that fight that he didn’t want to keep having the same fights over and over, so yes, he did want out. I thought he was bluffing for a couple days. When I realized he was serious, I was shocked and reacted poorly (totally broke down and had my mom to come pick me up so I could spend the night at my parents’ house).
I continued to plead and reason with him as his decision continued to firm up. I found Michelle’s book about a month ago and finally realized I was doing everything wrong. As I’ve changed my behavior, he is becoming nicer to me and he’s on board with building a friendship (nothing more).
I was unhappy with our marriage. I did think about divorce a couple times. I was obviously not anywhere near ready to pursue anything. H’s actions after our last fight made me realize how much I still love him and how much work I am willing to devote to making things better. I really like the idea of divorcing the “old” marriage and starting a “new” one with the same person.
Both of us are still living together, although he moved into a separate bedroom. I have not seen a lawyer, he says he has not either and I believe him. He’s told me he’s recognized a positive change in me (I’ve been working really hard to be a happier and less angry person), but he does not believe that it will be permanent and it doesn’t matter to him whether it is or not because he’s done.
I’ve reached out to old and new friends, I’m seeing 2 counselors. I’m staying as busy as I can. I travel to meet girlfriends and relatives out of state on the weekend. I plan on signing up for yoga classes and pottery classes. A chef friend is going to teach me how to cook.
We have no kids, have been married 6 years and together almost 10.
I have a great relationship with my in-laws. Both of our parents are still married. They all want us to work things out. H is surrounding himself with new friends who are telling him everything he wants to hear. H even told me that one of his friends sent him a message to come to a party because there were going to be girls there and they could “maybe have some shenanigans”- H said the friend was joking and he only told me because he thought I was spying on him and had already seen the message. He went to see a therapist (said he want to know why he felt it was over because he couldn’t figure it out) and only went to 2 sessions. The therapist told him that he had made up his mind and he needs to move out of the house and stop leading me on. At the second session, the therapist told him there was nothing more he could do for H since his mind was made up. We saw a marriage therapist also, after I told him it seemed like he was hiding something if he didn’t want to go. That was a total disaster.
So, more questions: Do I keep doing ALL of the housework? He completely stopped doing his share. He does notice all that I do, and tells me he appreciates it. We’ll watch funny movies when we’re home together. Should this stop or is it ok? Is buying him tickets for an event that gets him out of the house without me pursuing or is it ok? Should I do his laundry? I’ve always done it. I told him I was going to stop since he wants out (before I found out about DBing). I’ve done it a few times since then as a nice gesture. He thanks me when I wash it. He keeps his dirty laundry in what is now his bedroom.
In my attempts to GAL, I went to visit my brother in another state over the weekend. It was so hard not to pick up the phone and call H to check in. When I came home, the air was so tense we had definitely grown so much more distant than we already had been. Is getting a life ever a bad thing? Or can you get too much of a life? At one point, I spent two nights over my parents’ house to give him space and that also seemed to bother him- he seemed angry at me for leaving when I got back.
