How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[punkin]

Not to mention that snooping will only get you hurt in the long run. Trust me, there are some things that are better not to know, about anybody, much less your H in this sitch.

[Grace_O]

I can be so tempting to snoop, but you are the only one hurt by it and it really doesn't tell you anything about where he is.

So, do you have plans for the weekend? What are you going to do to keep busy and your mind off him (well, at least for a minute or two)?

HUGS

[braveheart]

R-LAY, you need to set some STRICT boundaries with this man. Visitation, child support, things of this nature. You need to work on yourself, focus your time and energy on you and your kids, not him. Sitting around wondering why and what you can do to get him back will get you nowhere, and it will stunt your growth as a person. Don't call him, email him, text him. No communication at all unless its an emergency. Remember, you need to respect yourself and not be a doormat to this man.

[ericmsant2]

RLay

From your post it still looks like you are trying to control the sitch. It appears that you are STILL VERY angry about OW. Know what? It’s normal. However, you need to continue your process of healing and moving forward. Moving forward for YOU not moving forward and looking back at your H. That time will come – just not now.

Now before I go one I want you to realize one thing that I noticed. You refer to your H 15 times in your post. You refer to “them” or OW about 7 times in your post. When you refer to YOU, you do so only about 4 times and in all cases, you refer to yourself as being hurt, angry, or downright broken. So my advice to you is to really begin to live life for YOU. Let him go Rlay…let him go…

Okay here are my thoughts on your post.

H's A with OW seems to be coming to an end (maybe). They are exchanging nasty messages to each other on their secret Ms pages. Well, actually, SHE is being mean and he is acting like a wooped pup- "I wish you luved me half as much as you do him". blah He supposedly went and got drunk last night.

How is it that you know so much about the R? Are you watching him? Listening in on calls? Still obsessing a bit?

I texted him today asking if he was okay since he never even bothered to call the boys this past weekend (after he promised he would take them to some kind of bike race).

Did you text him to really take a pulse to see where he is at? Even if the text was really just about the kids – why do you feel you need to do this? The R between him and his kids is just that between him and them. It is not your job to try and mend or help it along – IMO.

Now, I know that he was too busy fixated on his OW and trying to keep the A going, he probably didn't even give the promise he'd made to his kids a second thought.

How do you know this? Are you in his head? I mean you are probably right but really are you 100% sure that the OW is the reason that he did not keep his promise. All of this aside, it is another example of where you are still SO FOCUSED on HIM.

He didn't text me back, which is odd- he usually does. He deactivated his FB page (an addiction of his), but then reactivated it 5 hours later.

I wonder what happens next?

This is a great question – what you cannot see yet is that YOU determine what happens next. You can decide to let go and begin your healing process, knowing that it takes TIME and is a PAINFUL process. You can decide to remain focused on OW, feel angry, feel discouraged, feel defeated or as I would really say…feel like s*it.

Right now, you are at a crossroads RLay – you can either take the a step forward or remain where you are. Your call.
Personally, I would take the step forward. I would get the F up and say enough of HIM and HER. F Dat – I’m gonna live my life cause it is short. That is what I would do. Oh…but I got there when I finally stopped snooping. When I finally said..I love myself…when I finally said I am going to face this sh*t like a man.

So RLay – can you tell me what you are going to do?

Sorry if my post offended you – really I am.

God Bless,
Eric

[RLay1100]

I am sitting here and reading all the responses I have gotten to my last post, and it has me in tears. I KNOW I should let him go, but it is so hard. (I know you all understand this.)

I keep WANTING to move on and GAL and focus on the kids and ME, but...
I mean, I TRY. I joined the gym and the kids and I go regularly. I do occasionally go out with my friends and we have a good time. I do smile and laugh a lot (even though I really don't always feel like it). I talk with my boys a lot to keep a check on their emotional state, attitude. We snuggle up together and watch tv most nights, which I THOROUGHLY enjoy. Thoughts of him and what he is doing envades ALL of this, however!

I want to take the kids out to a movie and I am reminded that he has abandoned us and won't help out financially so I don't have the money to spend to take them out for fun.
My dryer has quit working and I am reminded of his absense from our lives and lack of care for us because he won't even help me fix it or buy a new one.
My car is not running well (I have no idea what is wrong with it), and I am reminded of how deceitful he has been because he promised that if I used the money I had saved for a newer car on HIS race car (a few weeks before he had us separate), he would buy me a new car soon after. I did give him the money, but,obviously, that was a lie.

I am so hurt. I am so lonely. I don't understand, and I want to so bad.

[RLay1100]

After reading through this entire thread again and writing the last post, I feel I need to give you "the rest of the story". It is SO HARD to admit this because I KNOW it makes me look MORE stupid for continuing to hold onto my H and our M, but...

My H was abusive (in every way) to me most of the 11 years we were together. Of course, he wasn't ALWAYS abusive, but... The support group I attend every week is for abuse survivors. The reason the boys and I are in counseling has more to do with what my H did to me during our marriage than to help us deal with the separation and possible divorce. ::sigh::

So...I don't know. I still believe H has changed and is in a MLC. Yes, he behaved badly before (toward ME), but he still believed in WORKING for a living, being faithful to his wife and and treating his kids well, and he still trusted me and WANTED me. That all is completely gone from him.

BUT, I do wonder if the fact that I am having to deal with PTSD (mine and my kids'according to our counselors) is the reason I am having a harder time letting go. Because...you know, I realize that what got me through all those years of abuse was HOPE. HOPE that "this" would be that LAST time he ever hits me. HOPE that he will treat me differently if I act differently. HOPE that he will realize how horribly he treats me and get help and STOP. Now that we are separated and heading for divorce (probably), that hope is gone. I will never get the satisfaction of H coming to me and apologizing and getting help and being that great husband I KNOW he can be.

I wasn't ready to let go of that hope/fantasy. So here I stand a damaged person (inside and out) with so much to work through just to be able to feel safe, confident, and sleep at night. I hurt by his A with the young girl because he is talking to her and treating her like I SO wanted to be treated (and worked so hard to please him to try to get that). I am not ANGRY and my counselor says that is a bad thing because I can't get to acceptance without going through anger. I am too afraid to get angry. That was an emotion I had to hold in or suffer greater consequences if I responded with it toward my H.

Everyone tells me that I need to set boundaries (here and in my group of friends offline), but I don't feel strong enough to. I am too afraid of making him angry still. I am his doormat, I know...

Well, there is the rest of the story. ::sigh:: I know I definately look stupid for holding onto him now. I just don't know what to do, what is right.

[PEI]

Sweetie, you do NOT look stupid.

You look scared and scarred.

PTSD is an ugly thing, I know first hand, although for different reasons. It has a lot of power and it paralyzes you. But you can overcome it, you can. With time, and work and patience with yourself.

Rlay - know this - you are strong, you are beautiful, you are loving, you are kind, you are worthy ... because you ARE. Period. It's hard to hear isn't it? You don't really believe me do you? That's what we need to work on, and you know what? You're here so that my friend is step one. Think about the love you are receiving here, from complete strangers who love you enough already to walk along side you as you take this journey - helping prop you up when you feel weak and pushing you when you want to turn around. Sweetie, you can do this. Nobody said it was easy, but I guarentee you it's worth it. Nothing worth having is easy.

Honey, let go of the fantasy. Maybe H treated you like that briefly when you first got together, maybe not. I don't know. What I do know is that none of it, and I mean NONE OF IT was your fault, EVER. Do you hear me? EVER. I don't care what you said, what you did, who you talked to, what you wore, how burnt dinner was or how dirty the house was. There is no excuse, no reason, no explanation that justifies how you were treated. NONE.

I'm a big believer in using what ever it takes to help motivate you. In this case it might help to remember that you now have a golden opportunity to teach your sons about self worth, self respect, respect for others, compassion and loving detachment. Go easy on yourself, remember that this is a process and it won't all happen overnight. Be kind to yourself.

Start looking for the silver linings ...

... quality time with your boys
... coming up with creative ways to spend time with the boys
... the smell of clothes freshly dried outside instead of in the dryer
... you're doing the environment a favor by using less electricity
... the opportunity to walk and explore your neighborhood instead of driving so much

I'm grabbing these from your post above, and they're just examples, but you can see where I'm going with this ... all challenges are opportunities ...

Hope can get you through this as well. Hope that you now have a future free from physical and emotional abuse. Hope that you can now model healthy self image for your boys. Hope that you now have an OPPORTUNITY to really discover yourself and uncover what you might do with your life with the fear of unfair and abusive consequences removed. HOPE lives Rlay, more than ever.

(((Rlay)))
Peace
PEI

[braveheart]

R-Lay, I wish I could tell you this is the first time I have heard this type of story....... With that being said, I don't think you are stupid, this is all very new and if you wish to continue standing, you should. As for boundaries, you cannot fear this man, if he isn't giving you any child support, you CANNOT let him get away with that. You owe it to your kids to take him to court and MAKE him help support them. If he threatens you, have him arrested. I also live in KY. and I can tell you the laws have become much stricter for protecting spouses who fear this type of abuse and threats. Amanda's law was passed by the Legislature and the court system will garnashee his wages if he refuses to pay his child support. You must take steps to see these things happen or you will remain his doormat and continue to do what he pleases to you.

[irishblessings]

RLay,
I am so sorry for the hurt you are going through. I know probably a million people have told you this but no matter WHAT he was feeling ~ his actions towards you are UNACCEPTABLE!!!
I am having the same issue with anger. I think that if I show it then in some warped way I think that would prevent him from wanting to come home!!! WTF - he doesn't want to come home!!! Then I'm afraid that the anger will consume me and I don't want to be that person. I don't want my kids to witness that.
Take it slow, take it easy ~ staying home with the tv is not a bad thing! Your boys are at a GREAT age and they will look back one day with appreciation at the stability YOU provided them.
Keep fighting the good fight and keep the faith!
IB

[ericmsant2]

RLay

I actually was working on a response to your first response and then I saw your second post…so sorry for the delay. My response changed a bit after your second post.

First off, I am sorry you’re feeling the way that you do. I know everyone will tell you what I am about to say and I soooo know it is hard to accept when you’re feeling the way that you describe BUT know this ….. it does get better. It really does.

Secondly, I agree with PEI and BH – You are not stupid. As a matter a fact you are stronger than you think. It took a lot of balls (okay make that ti*s since you’re a chick – sorry my attempt at a little humor) to come forward with your sitch. A lot.

FWIW I am proud of you and YOU should be PROUD of YOU.

Thirdly, before I continue on with my response I would like to preface it with…I get really pissed off when I hear about abuse. Especially physical abuse. Any man that would do that to his wife is NOT a man in my book. Actually, if I witnessed him doing this to you, I would probably punch your H right in the F’in face. Sorry…I told you that I get pissed at dudes that do this type of sh*t. I really do. I think they are cowards.

You my lady are the real STRONG one. You just don’t see that yet. BUT YOU WILL….I KNOW YOU WILL.

Okay…I’m sorry I’m gonna be very honest here and I don’t want you to feel bad or get down. So before I start on my rant…I agree with PEI…

Rlay - know this - you are strong, you are beautiful, you are loving, you are kind, you are worthy ... because you ARE. Period.

I agree also that you are right about having a hard time letting go as a result of PTSD. You RLay - are a trauma victim. A TRAUMA victim….emphasis on the word VICTIM. You did not deserve to be treated this way.

Trauma victim or not I want you to know THAT if YOU TAKE the steps YOU NEED TO TAKE …YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER….I want to repeat this again….TAKE A STEP FOR YOU and YOUR KIDS….AND YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!!!!!!!

Yes, he behaved badly before (toward ME), but he still believed in WORKING for a living, being faithful to his wife and and treating his kids well, and he still trusted me and WANTED me.

RLay the above screams to me that you have a lack of self worth – because you are been victimized. You seem to be content with remaining with someone who abuses you but just because he has a job and “wants” you. Because he wants you your willing to deal with the abuse. Honey, I am not an expert – but honestly do you really want to stand for someone that has treated you this way?

I also think that you are afraid. You have become used to the abuse. You know it’s wrong – yet you allow it because you love him. I do understand how much you love your H; however, your H needs help. Help that YOU cannot provide him with.

I can relate to abuse – I was abused as a child and the scars that I carried remained with me for a very long time. That is until I began to deal with them. UNTIL you begin the slow process of healing you will feel the way you do.

Healing - This is what you need RLay. You need healing. You need a break from your H. I am not telling you to not stand. I am not telling you not to love your H. I am telling YOU to stop for a second and think about YOU. Think about what you need.

I did not deal with the scars of my abuse and I ended up becoming and emotionally unavailable husband – one who is on the verge of losing his W. So please RLay focus on your healing and NOT on your H.

Please RLay…take this step….take this step for you and your kids.

STOP the CYCLE…

I still believe H has changed

Actions speak louder than words! When he leave the OW, when he begin therapy to address his demons…well then I think he is STARTING to change. Anything less than this is not change.

I would not trust him at all. Personally, I would cut off all communication with him RIGHT NOW. You deserve better than HIM (sorry I told you I get pissed at this type of behavior from someone who calls themselves a man).

That all is completely gone from him.

It is gone because he has never dealt with HIS issues. NOTE the key word her is "HIS". These are HIS demons Rlay..his…you are not his freaking punching bag.

My H was abusive (in every way) to me most of the 11 years we were together.

This is why YOU need to detach. This is why YOU need boundaries. If not for you then for YOUR kids!

I am so lonely

You are not alone - I and many others can relate to how you are feeling and what you are going through.

RLay – YOUR WORTH is NOT tied to what someone else says or thinks about YOU. YOUR WORTH IS TIED TO WHO YOU ARE. What I see is you is a very strong women. A women who want to change her sitch and is trying. I see a women with compassion. I see a women who loves her children. YOu are special Rlay..you are.

I KNOW I should let him go, but it is so hard.

It is hard because you are a TRAMUA victim. It is what you are used to. Know what YOU can change it.

What I soooooo want you to realize is that in addition to the abuse, YOU are making this all about HIM and HER and it really needs to become about YOU. I know it does not make any sense. I know.

Right now, you need to begin to think about what YOU want for YOU that does NOT involve HIM. Right now, you need to distance yourself from him and his madness.

RLay for your own sanity…for your health…for your kids. Take a step back and think about YOU. Let your H go honey..please…

I am too afraid of making him angry

This is going to be your biggest challenge hone’…your biggest. You will need to face your fear. Personally, I would have a restraining order put in place. Do what you need to do, to feel safe…

Please know that YOU CAN DO THIS…RLAY…YOU CAN…YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR.

I want to take the kids out to a movie and I am reminded that he has abandoned us and won't help out financially so I don't have the money to spend to take them out for fun.

Then try taking them to the park. Get creative girl! Use the energy that you are spending thinking about Him and OW on trying to come up with things to keep your kids busy and entertained. It’s not easy and if they are teens then it really is a PITA. It can be done though. It takes WORK and COMMITMENT.

I don't have the money to spend to take them out for fun

You know I was a big spender with my kids. I was. I gave them everything they wanted and then this whole MLC thing happened. So when I had to start cutting expenses a funny thing happened….I realized that although I gave the kids everything they wanted, what they really wanted was my attention – my time. It may not seem that way at first but try and just hang out with your kids. Get to know there friends. Find out more about what is going on in their head. You will be surprised at how much they will appreciate you. Money is really not the answer all the time.

My dryer has quit working and I am reminded of his absence from our lives and lack of care for us because he won't even help me fix it or buy a new one.

Okay I am not a feminist although my buddy Grit would disagree BUT…why the hell are YOU waiting for HIM to fix the dryer? Why are you waiting for him to do anything? Don’t you realize that he is off in la la land right now?
IMO, this is another example of where YOU can exert CONTROL over YOUR life. Need the dryer fixed…go on line and find out what may be wrong with it. Look up the model number and check the manufacture web site to see if they have one of those FAQ pages or something like that.

It appears that money is an issues...so I would take his butt to court and get an order of support in place.

Finally,

So here I stand a damaged person (inside and out) with so much to work through just to be able to feel safe, confident, and sleep at night.

Yeah your damaged right now…you hurt right now…BUT THAT IS RIGHT NOW….tomorrow is another day sweetie. I know that you can do it.

I have HOPE that YOU WILL DO IT. I am here…right here with you…your not alone….

God Bless,
Eric