How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

After reading through this entire thread again and writing the last post, I feel I need to give you "the rest of the story". It is SO HARD to admit this because I KNOW it makes me look MORE stupid for continuing to hold onto my H and our M, but...

My H was abusive (in every way) to me most of the 11 years we were together. Of course, he wasn't ALWAYS abusive, but... The support group I attend every week is for abuse survivors. The reason the boys and I are in counseling has more to do with what my H did to me during our marriage than to help us deal with the separation and possible divorce. ::sigh::

So...I don't know. I still believe H has changed and is in a MLC. Yes, he behaved badly before (toward ME), but he still believed in WORKING for a living, being faithful to his wife and and treating his kids well, and he still trusted me and WANTED me. That all is completely gone from him.

BUT, I do wonder if the fact that I am having to deal with PTSD (mine and my kids'according to our counselors) is the reason I am having a harder time letting go. Because...you know, I realize that what got me through all those years of abuse was HOPE. HOPE that "this" would be that LAST time he ever hits me. HOPE that he will treat me differently if I act differently. HOPE that he will realize how horribly he treats me and get help and STOP. Now that we are separated and heading for divorce (probably), that hope is gone. I will never get the satisfaction of H coming to me and apologizing and getting help and being that great husband I KNOW he can be.

I wasn't ready to let go of that hope/fantasy. So here I stand a damaged person (inside and out) with so much to work through just to be able to feel safe, confident, and sleep at night. I hurt by his A with the young girl because he is talking to her and treating her like I SO wanted to be treated (and worked so hard to please him to try to get that). I am not ANGRY and my counselor says that is a bad thing because I can't get to acceptance without going through anger. I am too afraid to get angry. That was an emotion I had to hold in or suffer greater consequences if I responded with it toward my H.

Everyone tells me that I need to set boundaries (here and in my group of friends offline), but I don't feel strong enough to. I am too afraid of making him angry still. I am his doormat, I know...

Well, there is the rest of the story. ::sigh:: I know I definately look stupid for holding onto him now. I just don't know what to do, what is right.