I am a glutton for punishment...I was having a slow afternoon at work- so I started reviewing old emails....back from 2000.
Some of them made me sad...emails around planning our wedding. Year after year of planning birthday dinners for eachother and family members. Organizing dinner parties. Planning vacations. I definitely didn't save all my emails between me and my H- because I remember being told at work several times that my mail size was exceeding policy....so I deleted large amounts at different periods throughout the years.
I have been pretty down the past couple of days to begin with- so going thru these emails was just asking for heartache.
Finally I got up to 2008...around the start of his A- so many nasty emails from him. I saw a text message from the OW during this time saying 'Meet me there'. I never expected him to be cheating so he was able to talk his way out of it...talk me out of it. I was having a really difficult time believing him and he was telling me that I was paranoid..and that he couldn't live with not being trusted... Then there were the apologetic emails that I would send in return...saying 'you are right..I want to trust you...and support you at work (OW worked there)'...etc etc etc.
Then reading up to D-day 1 and 2...and then the subsequent emails that followed...those same feelings came rushing back. How could it be so raw so many months after. It made me sick to my stomach reading all of them.
Although it was heart wrenching..it has actually made me feel a little bit better surprisingly. Being away from the situation..away from H- I cannot believe the way he spoke to me. 'Call the damn accountant'...'pick up the f'n phone'. I feel somewhat relieved. You don't realize how dysfunctional things are until you are outside of the situation.
Reading those emails also made me feel close to him again..in a weird way. I probably need to just get rid of them...delete!! But I just can't seem to let them go yet.
