A new beginning to an end

[soleil]

You know, it's funny, going through this "Surviving the Big D" forum the other day after I posted, I was surprised (and in a way humbled) about how many of you I used to see over at Newcomers along with me and reading your life stories, etc. and how so many of us are here now. It's funny. I never thought I'd be in this thread but well, here I am and it's ilke, I don't feel like I am dying. LOL.

School has been so hard for me. I can't seem to make myself read or study. I don't want to give up or make bad grades but I having such a time with it. Hope your school goes good for you and is doing better than mine.

School has had it's moments for me. The night H told me he'd had his greencard for months now and that he'd had sex with the random club chick was the night before one of my huge exams. I failed it. But the next day, I turned my phone off and re-took that test. I passed. Whew. Just focus. If you are down, tune it out. Dedicate a time for it and think about nothing else during that time. But I hear you!

You may want to read brenalim's thread here in this section since she too is in a similar sitch as you.

Thanks, Romeo. I did take a look at her thread and it's very similar. I think in a way I am at peace because it's like a calm has washed over me. I definitely have times where I want to and do cry but when I told him over the phone that this wasn't working it's like I couldn't even believe the words were coming out of my mouth. Like someone else was saying it. It was weird but good.

Well, you need to do what is right for YOU and not what makes life easier for him. .

That does sound frustrating about your H, wanting out and making you do all the dirty work. Grrr. Yeah I told H I will review everything cause now it's time to protect myself and then I will get back to him on it.

I TOTALLY understand you. I hope you are proud of the work you did. I'm sure some deserving man will appreciate you.

It is really nice to hear things like that, someone who can relate! All of us here! You guys have been such a great support system. As for other men, that's not even on my radar, maybe some day but not anywhere in the near future. I just can't imagine going on a date. After 7 years I think I would like to spend a long time by myself. I can't even remember what that felt like. On Sunday I went to a wedding with my date--my sister! LOL. And we had so much fun!

H called me last night and said he wanted to talk to me and how this is so hard b/c he knows we both love eachother, etc. but (words, words, words). I agreed with him completely and said, "I know and this is why it's time to move on."

It's so weird hearing myself say these words, guys! I never thought I could ever say that to him! It's kinda like a trippy experience! I kept asking God to give me a sign, something, over and over and over again on whether to stay or go. And on the phone that day with him last week when I said, "It's prob best that we go our separate ways" when it didn't feel like it was me saying it, but the words were just coming out of my mouth so calmly and effortlessly, I think that was the moment.

Crazy.

H apologized to me last night. He said he was SORRY (a word I've seldom ever heard escape his mouth) about one night when he got out of bed, came up to me in our living room (I was reading) and started screaming at me at the top of his lungs for no reason and told me he didn't love me, that he was going to find someone else to f--- , why was I reading, that I was so many bad things. This episode went on for at least 20 minutes. I went to put my hand on him and he told me not to touch him, to leave him alone. That killed my heart at the time. I missed work the next day.

I told him thank you for apologizing. That was two years ago. And I'm thinking, Why are you sorry now? But no matter, better late than never right?

It's weird, all of this but I have finally accepted this. And it feels relieving in a way.