Had a great DB session and my coach gave me some great advice. Was told not to talk to my W in a way that puts pressure on her, or seeks her approval. Make my own decisions and stick to them and don't feel like I need validation for anything. She doesn't want to give it to me and apparently the way I speak to her puts pressure on her.
For ex., if I do something like clean the garage I would show her what I did. She would barely acknowledge it. If I decide to stay home with my sick son I would say, "I think I am going to stay home to be with him" instead of "I have decided to stay home and help take care of him." I learned that my W probably thinks I am trying to please her with the way I speak to her, and my changes are putting pressure on my W to change her mind. I need to stop pandering.
Ok, so last night after the kids went to bed I did not ask her if I could fetch dinner. I let her fend for herself and after she had something I went to the kitchen and fed myself. I went outside and changed a lightbulb in the lamp post without telling her what I was doing. I left for work this AM without saying goodbye (she usually does the same to me -- she'll go upstairs to shower and not say goodbye). But last night I almost felt like it bothered her that I didn't collaborate with her on dinner. Made me a little confused.
I am trying to be there for the kids yet give her space and stop talking to her in a tone that makes her think I have an ulterior motive.
My DB coach said to me that feels like for a long time I wasn't as invested in the M as she was, and now she may see my actions as the equivalent of tossing pennies into a fountain. Too little too late. I have to give her more emotional space even though it feels wrong and demonstrate more confidence.
Does anyone else have any experiences they could share with me where distancing yourself from your spouse actually drew them back to you?
