The same number calling and being called a LOT more than the others... at all hours of the day and night... LONG calls to that nubmer as well... like 60 mins or more
unfortunately, cell phone bill doesn't tell me what the incoming numbers are. it only tells me what numbers he's been calling.
i've only noticed that there are 1 or 2 incoming calls between 1:30 pm - 4 pm every once in a while that lasts a minute or so. never long phone calls. i can't tell if they are from the same person. any numbers he does call that looks suspicious, i have checked out (via reverse lookup). he's clean there.
my suspicion is that someone is calling simply to say i parked my car outside your workplace, come on out and let's go do it in the backseat of my car. it doesn't take that long to say those words.
he doesn't get any text messages nor does he text anybody.
i have been known to be looking for signs of an A. i have never found one. i let my imagination run wild with scenarios (as seen above).
it's like if i knew he was having an A, then that's a dealbreaker for me and it would make it so easy to detach and drop the rope.
in reality, i need to drop the rope regardless. i really am trying. i don't let this get in the way of my GAL activites. thanks for listening, allena.
SunnyD may have a lot more to say here. She sounds in a similar situation to yours. Her husband is hiding his cell phone but he's not showing any other indications that he's in an EA or PA
A better question than the cell phone is what OTHER behaviours is he showing that are odd or make you uncomfortable.
Is he hiding his cell phone from you?
Does he password his computer?
Does he hang out on his PC at all hours of the night?
There are tons of websites with checklists like this.
I suggest you go beyond the phone to see what other stuff he's doing that makes you uncomfortable and put a list together.
You're certain something isn't quite right and yet you can't put your finger on what it is. Or perhaps your spouse has become so distant you cannot seem to reach him or her. It may even be that your partner has moved out or told you that he/she is no longer in love with you. You suspect that there may be someone else and yet if you've had the courage to bring it up with your mate the suggestion has been adamantly denied. Are there signs that a spouse is having an affair? The answer to that is yes. Be careful not to confuse signs with proof.
"I'm not in love with you anymore." When someone tells me that his or her spouse said this, a big warning bell goes off in my head. I consider this to be one of the most consistent things unfaithful men and women say to their partners. My immediate thought is, "If s/he is not in love with you - who is s/he in love with?"
This statement suggests that a person is comparing how he or she feels about the spouse to the heady feelings of infatuation caused by an affair. Turbulently intense feelings of obsession and connectedness in the early days of relationships are caused by biochemical reactions in our brains - when this is triggered by someone outside the marriage it overrides the deeper feelings of connectedness, attachment, security, and enjoyment within the marriage. The straying partner seems to develop immediate amnesia regarding feelings for his or her spouse in the chemically induced rush or new infatuation.
"We're just friends. Next to "I don't love you," this statement ranks as one of the most predictable statements wayward men and women make. A typical pattern is spending more and more time with a "friend" either at work or possibly at a recreational activity. This person is often described as someone who has "a lot in common" with the spouse, and who "understands" things the spouse is going through in her or her life. This could be anything from dealing with a boss or coworker to major life altering experiences. Either way, it's a warning sign
A sudden need for privacy Things that in the past were never hidden suddenly become "private". A computer becomes password protected with 1 minute of inactivity. Bank and credit card statements are redirected to a work address. Phone records disappear. Looking in a purse or wallet for something as innocent as a pen or insurance card creates an enormous scene with you being accused of snooping, invading personal space, and even attempting to control your spouse.
"I need my space to decide what to do about our relationship"
Frequently men and women who are involved with someone outside their marriage will say this as a way to ensure more privacy. A sudden desire to move out of the home (or to force you to move out!) is often an indication that there is someone else in the picture and that the spouse is seeking ways to have more freedom to come and go without question. Straying partners come up with all sorts of reasons why they need to separate from their spouse. I look at this as highly suspicious. Mitigating circumstances would include verbal or physical abuse or addiction on the part of the other spouse (you).
A change in work habits
Working late, going in at odd hours, or putting in significantly more time can all be indications that a spouse is unfaithful. Certainly all of us are subject to increased work loads, so watch for other signs as well. Spending a lot of time on the computer.
The ease with which one can have secret email accounts has allowed infidelity to blossom at alarming rates. Chat rooms and online dating services increase the problem exponentially. Pornography is huge business and sexual addiction is rampant. More and more women are cheating online. This goes hand in hand with a sudden need for more privacy. Spending (and hiding) a lot of time on the phone, especially the cell phone.
Many affairs occur primarily on the phone and in email. Many of us seem to be connected at the ear to our phones these days. This in itself is not suspicious but hanging up suddenly, erased call details, unavailable phone records, and defensiveness about any of those things is.
Inconsistencies in the details. Behavior that does not add up
Not being where he or she said was expected to be. Missing time. Money that cannot be accounted for. Receipts for things which you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.
New lingerie or other intimate items of clothing One of the things I get asked frequently is whether to be concerned about a sudden interest in Victoria's Secret apparel after years of big white underwear and sleeping in t-shirts. If it's not being worn for your benefit, then the answer to that is a resounding, "Yes!" On the flip side, women, be concerned about the sudden unexplained appearance of new clothes in your husband's closet. If he's a shopper and a dresser, not a concern. But if he's gone from his high school t-shirts to silk and wool and you didn't buy them for him, look for other clues. Could be that he got a promotion and now wants to dress for success - could also be that someone else is dressing him. Or undressing him.
Your fears and suspicions
If you find yourself needing to find excuses for your spouse's behavior or needing to convince yourself that your mate would never cheat on you then that in itself is a warning sign. Your intuition about your life is frequently one of the best indicators available. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become brilliant liars - people who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut. How many warning signs do you have in your marriage? You will also want to check out the Marriage Fidelity Health Test. There is no one score that will tell you whether or not your spouse is cheating, but the higher the risk and the more warning signs present the more likely this is to be the case.
The straying partner seems to develop immediate amnesia regarding feelings for his or her spouse in the chemically induced rush or new infatuation.
This is about the TRUEST statement here on the boards. DEAD ON TARGET.
And... IT DOESN"T HAVE TO ALWAYS BE A PARTICULAR PERSON
Sure, there may be infatuations, emotional affairs, physical affairs ect.
HOWEVER, once a WAS starts down this path, even if you expose and blow the affairs out of the water, THERE CAN STILL BE THOSE "LOVE" chemical reactions that can be about SOMEONE IN GENERAL - i.e. a FANTASY/SOMEONE, or the ANYONE BUT YOU person.
The affairs create this amnesia about your marriage, so the WAS starts "dreaming" of the next "chapter of their life".
Which basically means they are longing for that excitement of being chased, or chasing someone. They want to start "dating" again, and have that new "in love" feeling.
THEY ARE SO UNHAPPY WITH THEMSELVES THAT THEY SEEK VALIDATION AND LOVE WHEREVER THEY POSSIBLY CAN. Even in their head, or with ANYONE that might be a potential fling or boy/girlfriend.
I am living this right now. My WAW is so miserable and unhappy that she is literally chasing almost EVERY avenue of interaction and/or affection that she possibly can.
In order to deal with this, you really have to have guts of titanium. Not steel, titanium surrounded by shields more powerful than the Starship Enterprise. Because your WAS will launch photon torpedoes at your soul, and if you are not prepared, you will go down in flames.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/22/1011:58 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I'm sorry you are here and I know how you feel. About 4 months ago I got our cell phone bill and it was thicker then usual. Our service provider AT&T provides detailed billing so all inbound/outbound/texts are displayed. Just the numbers and times are displayed and I'll tell you it was 100's of texts to a number (her boss). It was all hours of the day/night.
Long story short, I was able to confront her and find out she was having an EA. She has since then moved on from boss to other co-worker to have PA. Needless to say we weren't able to work things out and D is on the table.
I even went as far as installing a "Keylogger" on my PC. I've captured some interesting emails/chats to OM1 and OM2. I would certainly do your due diligence in finding out.
I hate that your in this position and I feel for you. The betrayel takes over but I'll tell you that it gets easier coping. I'm healing everyday from this and you will too. Good luck.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Yes, definitely a good post by QS! I'm living that as well right now. Allen was even trying to come up with a new term for spouses like ours (my H and QS's W) because they just seem on the prowl for anyone but their current W or H! I came up with Trolling... lol
You and I are in very similar situations, Allen is right. At first, I was a bit obsessed with finding out if there was OW or not. H showed some of the signs mentioned above, but not all. Enough where I was definitely thinking there has to be at least an EA going on. I could not get any proof. H keeps cell glued to him. The bills don't come to the house as it is a company phone, so I can't check those. Can't even try to find anything on his computer because it's password protected (always has been - company requires it). Because it is a computer computer, I can't do anything to gain access to the information (keylogger, etc...) or I would be breaking the law. I felt so exacerbated! How was I supposed to fight an A I couldn't prove?!
Allen helped me to see that whether or not I could prove A, I still have grounds to confront H's behavior. His actions have been, and continue to be, detrimental to the stability of not only our marriage, but our family.
Check out the Intel thread and maybe that will help. If you can get proof of something, I think it's helpful because you can combat and expose more easily. However, it is not always easy. Does H have a Facebook account? That's a breeding ground...
You've read my sitch, I believe, as I know you've posted. Hopefully you and I can be of some support to each other through all this! I am putting my confrontation plans on hold right now because H has agreed to attend a weekend workshop for marriages in crisis that my FT told me about: New Beginnings. If that doesn't work, I'm completely ready to ask him to move out, proof of A or no proof. If he doesn't want to be married to me and do something to work on our R, then he needs to leave - simple as that. This weekend workshop (July 30th weekend) is my last effort before separation. H has gone back and forth as to wanting to work on R or not, so this is his chance.
