Bradley..how did you decide on the things that were going to be a part of the life you want? did you sit down and write down what you wanted in life, specifically? Or just think about it and decide what you had to do to have that kind of life..or what did you do?
the reason I ask is that I haven't really thought about exactly what it is I want in my life..or how I want my life to be..other than in general terms. ie: i want a happy marriage, i want to have good relationships with my kids, i want to be able to spend time with my grandkids, etc. I have not outlined exactly how i propose to do those things. And some of them were "wait and see what happens" kinds of things.
I also never really thought about dating again, or what it would be like to be in a sexless relationship, or that it would be possible for my H to turn into this person he is right now..these are all pretty new things to me as I was content in our relationship and thought we'd just grow together and grow old together and we'd work things out if something came up. So, when you say I look at things like they are unique to my situation..being with someone, sex, etc..the reason I am so disconcerted by my thoughts is because I never in a million years would have thought that I would be having to address stuff like this. For me, that is just as bad as what he's doing..the fact that I am thinking all these weird thoughts and acting the way I have been. I know that probably doesn't make sense..cuz it doesn't even when I read it back. I'm not sure how to say it any other way. and I also know that most of you LBSers probably feel the same way.
I guess I am still trying to figure out what is the worst case scenario for me in this situation. I need to do that to formulate a plan. And in doing that, i have been surprised at some of the weird issues that have come up..like wanting to be with someone again, or just being so disgusted with the sitch that I would never want to have this happen again, etc. I'm thinking out loud mostly. of course we all want to have a companion to grow old with..that is just the way 99% of humans are. I honestly was retarded enough to believe that I was one of the lucky ones who had found their soul mate and would just live life happily ever after. Death didn't even enter my mind, although that would have been a pretty big deal breaker too. Ha!
Actually to make a long story short..I feel retarded most of the time these days. I have so many weird thoughts and feelings reeling around, i can't even put them into words. and I think I'm still in shock over the whole thing. sometimes I feel like I'm looking at myself from out of my body and that I am just going to wake up and it will be a bad dream.
