I've been looking through some of the online topics and haven't seen anything quite like my situation. My H and I have been living in separate states for 18 months (bc of work--I went to get some on the job training not available where we live), seeing each other every other month, talking every day (usually several times a day). My training is over and H and I have talked about my finding a job so we can be together again.
Then 4 weeks ago H calls to tell me he's decided he wants a D, that he hasn't been happy in a long time, that I've never been there for him, etc.
I've talked to DB coach last week and he suggested LRT, which I've been trying, and have no idea if it's working or if it's too soon to tell.
I'm trying to keep this short but would appreciate any suggestions.
What seemed to have provoked this, or was the "final straw" as H said, was that he was contacted by an old girlfriend from college. That made him realize that we aren't compatible, that she's the love of his life.
Yes we've discussed problems before but recently I thought things were better esp since we've been discussing being back together. Now I feel really stupid, as in, why did I think everything was ok.
I'd suggest treating this EITHER as an infidelity case, OR an Mid-Life Crisis (MLC) one. Spend a little time on each forum, and see what seems to fit your sitch the best. In the meantime, work on YOU, and the things that Michele advocates in her books: 180s, "GAL," etc. No begging or pleading.
How do I do a 180 when we've been living apart for 18 months? We were talking everyday but a lot of the time it was about work or house or kid stuff.
And today I told him I had time off in mid august and thought I'm come there and was timing ok with him? At first he said yes (after all it's my house too) but shortly after he called me back to say he thought it was underhanded of me bc he's planning and meeting OW (first time) on Aug 21st! So i told him I wouldn't come then if that's how he feels.. I'm devastated.
The distance is tough. Your words, however, won't convince him. Only actions. My mistake initially was being too clingy and needy - as soon as I stopped, my wife began contacting me. If infidelity is involved, obviously it makes it harder. But you have to first work on you. I know it sounds difficult, but believe me, it is best. If he expects you to contact him - don't. If he contacts you about something (other than kids)don't respond right away - no matter how much you want to - give hime a little mystery and make him wonder. It is not going to change anything overnight. Patience and consistency. If you give in to communicating back right away you are taking a step back. Hope this helps.
I'm brand new so I don't have advice to offer you but I'm here to listen and lend support.
How much longer were you scheduled to live apart? Was there a time when you were supposed to move back home? How long is this job training supposed to take if it's already been 18 months?
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
How do I do a 180 when we've been living apart for 18 months? We were talking everyday but a lot of the time it was about work or house or kid stuff.
Right now, even though there are many things on the table to discuss, this is not the time to do so. Let his phone calls go to voicemail, and don't answer his texts unless there is a specific question. There's a 180 for ya right there!
You didn't mention if you had children. How long have you been married?
Quote:
And today I told him I had time off in mid august and thought I'm come there and was timing ok with him? At first he said yes (after all it's my house too) but shortly after he called me back to say he thought it was underhanded of me bc he's planning and meeting OW (first time) on Aug 21st! So i told him I wouldn't come then if that's how he feels.. I'm devastated.
I recommend you 'change your mind.' You are going to your house, and if he is there - fine. If not -still fine. You need to go home and get some things straight for yourself. He is openly involved with another woman - so you need to get some things in order to protect yourself. Go back to your house and get your vital papers, copies of financial info, things like that. Do not ask him if that is a good time for you to go to your house - tell him you will be there. Marilyn to H: "I'm going to be home on these dates. I have a lot of things I need to get done, so I don't know if I'll have time to talk very much with you even if your are there. If you are around, let me know when you're free and I'll see if I can fit it in." If he asks what kinds of things you have to get done, tell him the list is long and the list is yours. Period. This is not spite, Marilyn - this is you taking care of yourself in the face of a brutal fact: your H is involved with someone else. You have to put on your strong game face. Be devastated in private - or vent here - but when dealing with him, all strong and detached.
You'll get more traffic on your posts tomorrow. Weekends are kind of slow. Hang in there. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Everyone has given such good advice. I would agree with Greek. Go home. It's your house, this is the time you have to go home. You need to get some things in order. He should not be able to dictate to you when you can come home. If he wants to be with OW, he can go to her place.
Stay strong. Keep going with your career goals and stick with the 180 rules.
Me: 34 H: 34 S: 8 D: 5 M: 10 yrs T: 12 yrs Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him) S: 7-16-10
